


You Don't Care About Me (One More Night)

by lululawrence



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Banter, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Fluff, Forced coming out, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Gay Awakening, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, Light Angst, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Miscommunication, No Smut, Panic Attacks, Pining, Sexuality Crisis, Sharing a Bed, Travel, i mean it's canon so that is basically implied but yeah, just FYI, talk about sex, they're both drunk but they talk about it before
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-12 01:56:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 60,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19219249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lululawrence/pseuds/lululawrence
Summary: “Nick. You’re into guys. What should I do?”Nick snorted. “You think just ‘cause I’m gay, I know what you should do?”Louis blinked at him and Nick admired his eyelashes against his will. “Well. Kind of, yeah.”“That is not how this works,” Nick said. “Besides, it’s not like you can just go and suck someone’s dick to be sure you like it the way I did. You’re too famous to try it my way.”Louis’ expression changed to one of awe. “That’s how you figured it out? You sucked some random’s dick?”Nick shrugged. “Yeah. Basically. I mean, I knew for pretty damn sure before that, mind you, but that did solidify the matter for me.”“I need to suck a dick,” Louis said, turning to look at the wall of Nick’s room.“You could suck mine, if it would help,” Nick offered before he could stop himself.Or the one where Louis pines for Harry and Nick helps ease his way into figuring himself out through a friends with benefits sort of arrangement. Things quickly turn complicated.





	1. 2012

**Author's Note:**

> It's here! Shit, it's here. I'm kinda shaking, tbh. This is my longest fic to date, probably forever, and I love it so much. I hope you will to. I've wanted to write a long, in depth, canon-compliant Tomlinshaw fic for awhile now and I just was waiting for the inspiration to come. I finally decided that I would write the fic, the fic I always wanted to read. When I started it, I thought it would be around 20-25k, and then it grew and became this. 
> 
> I did my best to stick to timelines for the band as well as Nick's own personal and work events, but there were some that were ignored/tweaked for my own fictional purposes. I hope you're alright with that. I also don't know much about what it's like to work for a radio station or be a famous musician or or or... again, I did my best. Please forgive my faults. 
> 
> I did have an entire team of cheerleaders, half of which don't even care about Tomlinshaw, but they were so lovely and supportive anyway. I also had my incredible betas and brit pick, [Bri](https://briannamarguerite.tumblr.com), [Nicola](https://missytearex.tumblr.com), and [Chelle](https://aslowmotionaccident.tumblr.com). They helped me find so many mistakes, inconsistencies, etc but there are likely some things that missed their careful eyes. Those are all my own.
> 
> Thank you to the Rare Pair Fest mods for putting this fest together! I loved being a part of it and having an excuse to write some fics that had been slowly growing within me. 
> 
> The title is a mix of two songs from my inspiration playlist for this fic, One More Night by Maroon 5 and Party for One by Carly Rae Jepsen. This is a work of fiction, I do not own nor have I met any members of One Direction or Radio 1 staff, all people mentioned within who are actual people may be and likely are inaccurately represented. Please do not repost this fic on any other site and no translations are currently being allowed. 
> 
> Thank you, I hope you enjoy!

**April 2012 (3 Years, 1 Month Before)**

When Nick had told Harry it would be okay for him to bring Louis along with him to the party, he hadn’t expected the night to end with an incredibly drunken Louis spilling his guts to Nick in his bedroom while the party wound down.

“I just don’t know what to do,” Louis said, head in his hands. “I cannot figure out what I’m feeling. Am I attracted to Harry? I’ve never been attracted to a man before. I don’t think. I mean, I worried a little in sixth form if I might not like girls, but I never really considered the actual being interested in men bit, but now…”

“But now, Harry,” Nick said, trying to figure out what the hell he was supposed to do with a drunken popstar at two a.m. on a Saturday. Harry had already passed out in one of the guest rooms, so Louis was likely staying the night as well. But who the hell knew at this point.

“Yes,” Louis said, arms flailing a little wildly as he burped. “Sorry, mate. I just. I guess I dunno if I’m into guys or if I’m just into Harry. Like maybe he’s the exception, you know?”

Nick nodded, because he did know. Louis had posed that question in various forms at least five times in the past thirty minutes. Nick took another swig of his very large, very potent vodka cocktail that he wasn’t sure had much of the cocktail actually included. Aimee had handed it to him, and he’d just taken it without question earlier. With as swirly as his head was feeling at this point and with the drunken popstar in his bed, Nick was starting to regret his choices.

On his bed. The drunken popstar was  _ on _ his bed. Not in it. Not that he’d mind that. 

Except he would. The drunken popstar wouldn’t stop going on about one of Nick’s best mates. He could really do without that bit.

“Nick. You’re into guys. What should I do?”

Nick snorted. “You think just ‘cause I’m gay, I know what you should do?”

Louis blinked at him and Nick admired his eyelashes against his will. “Well. Kind of, yeah.”

“That is not how this works,” Nick said. “Besides, it’s not like you can just go and suck someone’s dick to be sure you like it the way I did. You’re too famous to try it my way.”

Louis’ expression changed to one of awe. “That’s how you figured it out?” he asked. “You sucked some random’s dick?”

Nick shrugged. “Yeah. Basically. I mean, I knew for pretty damn sure before that, mind you, but that did solidify the matter for me.”

“I need to suck a dick,” Louis said, turning to look at the wall of Nick’s room. “I wish I could suck Harry’s dick.”

“Yeah, not sure that would help with clarifying if it’s all dicks or just Harry’s, though.”

Louis sighed, disappointed. “You’re right. Back to square one.”

“You could suck mine, if it would help,” Nick offered before he could stop himself.

His stupid fucking mouth. He always spoke before he thought and it always got him into trouble. Not quite as much as tonight, but he was sure future Nick could deal with the embarrassment of offering himself up for a likely not gay Louis Tomlinson.

“You’d do that?” Louis asked, looking excited. “Yes. If you’re serious, you’d be the best mate ever for helping me figure this out.”

God. Nick was a fucking idiot.

“It’d just be tonight, yeah?” Nick said, trying to find a way to fix this. “Like, I’ve already done the whole helping straight boys realise they’re gay thing and it never turns out well for me.”

Louis nodded fervently. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

Sighing and closing his eyes, Nick knew he would regret this.

“Alright. Well. Let’s do it, I guess.”

 

*~~***~~*

 

**August 2012 (2 Years, 9 Months Before)**

Nick heard a knock on the door right as he was heading to bed. He loved the Breakfast Show, but hadn’t been sufficiently prepared for how exhausted he really was after waking up so early. He was an old man now, apparently.

But someone either didn’t know that about him or they didn’t care. Either way, Nick wasn’t really fond of them at the moment.

He opened his door and was surprised when a very familiar popstar with a hood pulled over his head darted in, practically slamming the door shut behind him.

“Bloody paps out there, what the hell,” Louis complained, pulling his hood down and running his hands through his hair. It looked like he had the remnants of makeup still on, probably because he’d been doing promo or some other incredibly important thing like that today while Nick had just been considering the pros and cons of adopting a dog.

“Ah, yeah. Well. That happens when the newly minted Breakfast Show DJ - who isn’t very popular already, mind you - comes out of the closet.” Nick tried not to sound bitter, but he was tired. Tired and a little annoyed at how much people seemed to care when it really shouldn’t be a big deal.

“Fuck,” Louis muttered, pulling his hands down his face. “Harry said something, but I forgot with everything that’s been going on. You okay?”

Nick forced out a laugh that he hoped sounded somewhat normal. “I’m honestly more concerned about what you’re doing here when I was about to go to bed.”

Louis winced and looked down at his feet. “Sorry. I didn’t think about the time, just that I knew I needed to talk to someone and I hoped maybe you wouldn’t mind being that person?”

“I’m sorry, what?” Nick shook his head and rubbed at his eyes. He really needed to take out his contacts, but he wasn’t sure that would help his hearing at all. Maybe it would. Ears trying to compensate for his poor eyesight or something like that.

“Well. You already know, ya know?” Louis had his eyebrows raised as if Nick was supposed to just understand. Bloody popstars talking in code.

“What, that you liked sucking my dick that night?” Nick asked, once again filter not in place. What was it about Louis that always did that to him? “Fuck, sorry.”

“No, that’s what I was basically trying to say without _saying_ _it,_ so you’re fine.” Louis cleared his throat, and folded his arms across his chest. He looked incredibly uncomfortable, and Nick wanted to help him, but he wasn’t really sure how. Especially since he still didn’t really fully understand why Louis was here. “Can we sit down or whatever? Make a tea?”

“It’s near my bedtime,” Nick said as he turned down the hall. “No tea or I’ll not sleep until tomorrow.”

“You’re such an old man,” Louis teased, and Nick rolled his eyes. “Can you really not even have a tea before bed?”

“I’m sensitive to caffeine,” Nick said with a sniff, but he couldn’t help but smile a little when he heard Louis chuckle. “If you want a tea, make it yourself. Now why did you come to me to talk? I’m sure others know about the fact you think you love Harry or whatever by now, right? It’s been months.”

Louis stayed quiet and focused on making the tea. He bumbled around the kitchen, and Nick contented himself with sitting at the table and watching. 

“By the way, can I have your number so I don’t accidentally do this again?” Louis asked instead of answering Nick’s question. “I don’t want to keep you up on a work night if I can help it.”

“Very considerate of you, considering that’s exactly what you’re doing now,” Nick said, holding his hand out for Louis’ phone. “Wasn’t really expecting you to ever come by my place again, though, if I’m being honest.”

“No?” Louis asked, sounding surprised. “Why not? It’s not like we actually hate each other like everyone seems to think.”

Nick snorted. “Course we don’t. But I didn’t really think you liked me much either.”

“Liked you enough to suck your dick,” Louis said quietly before clearing his throat and continuing. “But anyway. You’re still the only one who knows. Anything about it.”

Shit. “Not even Harry or Zayn have a clue?” Nick asked, trying to be as gentle as he could in his sleepy state.

Louis shook his head. “No. It’s not that I don’t want to tell them or don’t think they’d be okay with it, of course they would. But like, I’m still not really sure what’s going on with me, you know? So I just wanted to try to figure it out and be able to put words to it before I try telling them. Especially before I tell Harry about how I…” Louis paused and sighed. “Kind of love him. Yeah.”

The kettle turned off and Louis busied himself with making his tea before sitting down across from Nick at the table. 

“I just needed to try to talk to someone who knows and understands a little of what I’m going through, and I didn’t want to ask Harry for your number because I knew if I did, he’d ask why and I’m a shit liar, especially with him, so I did the only thing I could think of and came by.”

Nick nodded. “Fair enough. So you gonna spill your guts and let me get to bed anytime soon?”

Louis smirked and shook his head. “This is part of why I wanted to come to you, too. You don’t take anything too seriously.”

“Thought that was one of my worst qualities,” Nick teased. Louis had once made a snippy comment about how Nick couldn’t be serious about anything after an interview he’d been a part of, and it certainly hadn’t been said with fondness that time around. It hadn’t exactly bothered him, but it had stuck with him all the same.

Louis blew on his tea before looking up at Nick through his eyelashes. For only just coming to the conclusion he liked men in that way, he sure had his flirtatious looks down.

“So I had you a little wrong,” Louis said, shrugging his shoulder. “Doesn’t mean I can’t fix it now.”

“Sure. So what’s going on with Harry that’s got you out of sorts.”

“God,” Louis groaned resting his head onto the table. “I just. I don’t know where to even start.”

Louis said that, but then he proceeded to talk about Harry and all of his virtues for no less than forty-five minutes. Nick was practically asleep on the couch by the time Louis finished his pining confessions to Nick.

“So? What should I do?”

“Wait, you want advice?” Nick asked, running a hand through his hair. “I thought you just wanted to be able to talk to someone about Harry.”

“Niiiiiiiick,” Louis whined, poking at Nick’s side with his toe. “Of course I want advice.”

“Stop calling me Nick and you might get it. God, all my friends call me Grim or Grimmy. I’m sure you know that by now. Why can’t you play nice and use the name I like?”

Louis leveled Nick with a glare. “Stop turning this conversation towards you.”

Nick sighed. “Darling, I’m tired enough that this conversation isn’t going to ever continue if you don’t let me get to bed soon.”

“If you wanted me back in your bed so badly, you could have just said so,” Louis snipped.

Snorting, Nick said, “Love, if I wanted you back in my bed, we’d already be there.”

Louis blushed and crossed his arms, but he didn’t say anything more.

“Listen. Louis.” Nick sat himself up on the couch and waited until Louis met his eyes. “I know it’s big and it’s scary, but I really think that it might be a good idea for you to talk about this with Harry.”

Louis immediately shook his head. “No. That’s not happening. Not yet.”

“Why the fuck not?” Nick asked, arms thrown in the air. “He’s queer, he’s supportive, and he’s been understanding of all the shit I’ve been going through since I came out publicly last week. What makes you think he would be anything but kind and possibly mutually crushing on you?”

“It’s not that,” Louis said, sounding smaller than he had all night. “I feel like I need to figure myself out more first.”

“You keep saying that, but how are you meant to do that?” Nick asked. “Suck some more dick? It usually only takes the once, you know. Or at least, it did for me. Obviously.”

Louis was quiet and biting his lip again. “I want more experience,” Louis practically whispered. “I want to experience more and sort out my feelings before going to him. I feel like he’s it, you know? Or he could be. And if he’s not, I don’t want to go to him not knowing exactly what I’m feeling when it could potentially fuck things up with the band as well.”

Nick took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “What kind of experience are you talking about?”

Shrugging, Louis said, “Dunno. Like. All of it, I guess. I want to know what all of that is like with a man so I can kind of compare it to what I have had with a woman.” Snorting at himself, Louis added, “Or something like that.”

Rubbing his face, Nick said, “God. I’ve got to say it is a first. But how about this. I’ll give you one more night. You can choose what we do, alright? But that’s it. You’ll need to find someone else who can help you with the rest, okay?”

Louis was biting his lip again, and Nick hated when he did that. It made it just that much more tempting for him.

And that was the issue with all of this, wasn’t it? Nick didn’t have any false ideas about himself physically. He knew he wasn’t the most attractive man and that there were plenty of others who would absolutely fall into line to help Louis with his predicament. Hell, if it had been a year or two ago before Nick had been burned  _ again _ by another heartless man, he might have been jumping at the bit to be that person for Louis. Help guide him through the new experiences.

But he couldn’t do that. Louis was exactly the kind of person that Nick could fall for too easily and he needed to guard himself against it. After all, Louis was obviously in love with Harry, one of Nick’s best mates, and there was no way Nick could ever hold a candle to them. 

“Well?” Nick asked. It was well late by now, and if anything was going to happen, Nick needed them to get started. He wasn’t going to give Louis Tomlinson, worldwide heart throb, a half-arsed time in bed if Louis decided to take him up on the offer. It was likely to be his last opportunity, so he’d want to make it good. Memorable. Something for Louis to compare all his future (and past, apparently) experiences with. “One more night?”

Louis closed his eyes and nodded before looking at Nick. His eyes were so fucking blue always, but with the makeup that was still clinging to his eyes a bit, it made them pop even more. It wasn’t fair.

“Yeah. One more night.”

 

*~~***~~*

 

**October 2012 (2 Years, 7 Months Before)**

Nick climbed out of bed, doing his best not to disturb Louis. 

Fuck. What was he doing?

In April he’d been sure it was just a one night fling, an experiment to help Louis sort his shit. And it had looked to stay that way as well, until August. If Nick was being honest with himself, he’d been more than okay with Louis joining him in bed for a fun romp in the sheets at that point. He’d needed a way to forget the shit that had become social media and a lot of the interactions surrounding work after coming out. Luckily, things were calming down on that front now, but it still stung the way people would throw slurs his way for simply existing.

He and Louis had agreed, though. They’d said just one more night and it had been. 

Until Louis texted saying he needed to talk again. Louis had come over once more - planned this time and not wanting to chance Harry overhearing them talking - and as with the two previous times, they’d ended up in bed.

Now it was October. It wasn’t a regular thing, by any means, and Nick knew that it was likely to be one of the last since the band would be leaving to promote their next album in the next couple of days. After that was Christmas, then their next tour. Nick understood how busy they’d be and he was fine with that. 

He was.

But it still didn’t explain how often Louis had ended up in his bed over the past few months. It  _ definitely _ didn’t explain how much Nick liked it.

Nick didn’t know why he was even thinking about it like that. He was literally doing a favour for… well. Would Louis be considered a friend? Now he would be, for sure. He’d shared and trusted far too much to Nick for them not to be. 

It was all just incredibly confusing, but in the end it had helped Nick get through what was a very rough time with his officially being out of the closet now, and he was helping Louis in return. 

“Need me to get up too?”

Nick froze when he heard Louis’ raspy voice. He’d stayed over a few times, but every time had been on a weekend. Nick was working this morning, though. Their previous precedent didn’t really apply here.

“I was going to let you sleep, actually,” Nick admitted before turning to look at Louis. He was sitting up, blankets pooled around his waist. When Louis stretched a little, Nick could see the fresh ink, still tender, on the inside of Louis’ bicep.  _ Far Away. _ Nick tried not to dwell on what it might mean.

Louis scrunched his nose. “You’d trust me to lock up and all that? Not leave your house in a tip?”

Nick snorted and finished pulling his top on. “Course. I know how paranoid you are about things like that.”

Humming, Louis threw himself back onto Nick’s bed. “Yeah. You’re right. I am.”

“Course I’m right,” Nick teased before yawning. “Now let me finish getting ready in peace. I’m not used to having to talk this early in the morning.”

“I’m sure,” Louis teased. Clearing his throat, Louis continued. “We leave for America soon.”

When Nick looked over, Louis was visibly nervous. He was picking at the duvet randomly and refusing to meet Nick’s eyes.

“Yeah, Harry told me,” Nick said slowly. 

“I was kind of hoping…”

Nick waited for Louis to continue and decided his hair would just have to stay in its particularly fluffy state. He wasn’t in the mood to do a full quiff and he had lost enough time to even think about throwing some gel in to try to tame the curls at this point. 

Sighing in frustration, Louis rolled over and mumbled into the pillow.

“What was that?” Nick asked, walking into the bathroom. He’d almost forgotten his moisturiser. He was not about to get more early wrinkles because he’d forgotten basic skincare due to a popstar in his bed.

“I was hoping we could try one more thing before I go.”

“What’s that?” Nick asked. They’d covered blowies and hand jobs. Louis had even tried fingering Nick a few times. Maybe he was interested in being on the receiving end this time.

Louis mumbled once more, and Nick was definitely not going to be able to understand him from the bathroom.

“What was that?”

Shooting Nick a glare, Louis pouted. “How many times are you going to make me say it?”

“As many as it takes to fucking understand you,” Nick shot back. Grabbing his socks from the drawer, he sat on the bed beside Louis. “I’m not doing it to be a tit, I truly cannot understand you when you’re mumbling and shit.”

“I want to try to bottom.”

It had been said so quietly and partially before Nick had finished speaking, so he wasn’t positive he’d heard right. His heart was racing, the blood thrumming through his veins. His body knew what he hoped he’d heard.

Turning towards Louis slowly, as if he was afraid to startling a young puppy, Nick looked at Louis. “You want to-”

“Bottom, Nick. God,” Louis interrupted, throwing his arms in the air. “Yes, I want to give it a try.”

Nick blinked in confusion. “Have you even had anything up there before?” His mind was going a million miles a minute, but one thing he was latching onto was  _ What if Louis wasn’t ready and he actually ruined him for gay sex?  _ “I feel like that’s something we want to lead up to a little more than what we’ve done, unless you’ve been practicing with others, like I keep suggesting you try…”

“I’ve done it to myself,” Louis said, softly again. His cheeks were stained pink, like he was embarrassed to even be having this conversation. 

Nick was far too turned on to be embarrassed at this point. It was very inconvenient considering he was meant to be outside to meet his car in ten minutes.

“I’ve been practicing with some, ehm, toys and stuff,” Louis said, flicking his eyes up to Nick’s. “I want to see how it’s different with a person.”

“Yeah, it’s different,” Nick said, still stunned and trying to wrap his mind around it. “When are you suggesting this happen?”

“Tonight?” Louis asked, sounding hopeful. “I could do this afternoon as well, if that works better for you. I’ve got to have some time to pack and shit, though, because we’re booked tomorrow and then fly out Friday.”

“Right,” Nick said, feeling half in a daze. “I’m meant to have dinner with Harry tonight, actually.”

“After?” Louis asked. “Wait, no. That would be too late for you. Especially with how Harry talks. This afternoon? Do you have meetings at work?”

Shaking his head, Nick said, “Not today. I could probably leave around lunch.”

“So, that’s a yes?” Louis asked, still sounding tentative. 

Nick was such a goner. 

“I never thought I’d have someone needing confirmation that I was willing to fuck them when they’re already in my bed,” Nick joked. He had to. It was the only way he would survive this entire situation.

“I hate you. Get to work already.”

Nick looked at Louis warily then left the room. “Don’t forget to lock up,” he called behind him. 

Louis didn’t respond, but Nick was sure he was sending a few middle fingers Nick’s direction. He was okay with that.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**December 2012 (2 Years, 5 Months Before)**

_ L: Okay, but how do I know if I’m just straight up gay or if i’m bi? Like where’s the line? I can’t figure that out. _

_ Nick: I continue to question why you think I have these kinds of answers _

_ L: And I continue to question why I bother to ask you any of these questions yet here we are. _

“Okay, spill. Who are you texting all the time?” 

Nick looked up at Fiona, guilty. He was usually pretty good at having excuses ready on the spot, but he had slipped up. It was too early in the morning for Aimee, and he’d used Harry having a fashion crisis too many times lately for that one to hold out.

“Why do you care so much? I’m always on my phone and it never bothered you before,” Nick said with a sniff, checking how much time was left on the song playing. 

He shouldn’t be on his phone during the show, but it was three songs in a row. He’d figured he was safe, and Louis had been texting non-stop. Something about having just gotten to Australia and having gotten too many shots of espresso while still pining after Harry apparently caused him to question the details of his sexuality.

“Yeah, but when you’re on your phone during the show, it’s usually because you’re posting something ridiculous to Snapchat or Twitter, but I’ve not gotten notifications.”

“Oh, here’s the good goss!” Nick cried, ignoring his phone when it vibrated again from his pocket. “You’ve got me on notification, do you?”

“Oh my God, it’s so that I know what kind of trouble you’re getting yourself into,” she insisted. “Don’t let your head grow any larger, or it won’t be able to be held up by your freakishly long neck.”

Nick hummed but turned his focus back to his talking point of the day, which was whether there could ever actually be too much Mariah Carey at Christmas.

Determined not to give Fiona a reason to ask again about who he was texting, Nick did his best to ignore his phone even as it vibrated near constantly from texts. Louis was going to wear his battery out before ten, and Nick would not be pleased if that was the case. He’d forgotten his charger today and he didn’t do well when he didn’t have a working phone.

Finally signing off, Nick kissed Fiona on the cheek despite the fact she had been particularly nosey that morning, and waved goodbye to the rest of the team before going to one of the private toilets where he could have a little privacy.

The texts were ridiculous. Louis had realised he was being ignored fairly quickly and done everything he could to flood Nick’s phone with random shit, so he didn’t even bother reading most of it. He marked the messages as  _ read _ and then dialed Louis’ number.

“Oh my God, you haven’t died,” Louis cried out, over the top as usual. “I was  _ so worried!”  _

“Fuck off, you know I was working,” Nick said, fussing with his hair in the mirror. “By now you know exactly what time it is in England no matter where you are, I imagine. Gotta be sure to text your mum, yeah?”

“Already done, but thanks for looking out for me,” Louis said in an incredibly snarky tone.

“What I’m here for,” Nick said before leaning against the wall. “So really. You’ve sent a random text here and there over the past few months and now you’re suddenly worried about the line between bi and gay?”

“Well I figured it must have a simple answer and I was just missing it,” Louis said softly.

Sighing, Nick rolled his eyes. This had not been what he’d signed up for. Actually, he hadn’t signed up for any of it, but he was still here. Nicholas Grimshaw, confidant for the closeted boy bander who was apparently having what felt like an incredibly drawn out sexuality crisis thanks to his fit bandmate.

“Nothing about this is simple,” Nick said. “Sometimes it feels that way looking back on it, but it rarely is while you’re in the thick of it.”

“Can’t it just be something where like I take a blood test and tell me? Why do I have to be constantly wondering and figuring it all out?”

Louis was whining now, and Nick was too tired to handle that today. 

“Listen, Popstar,” Nick said, being sure not to use any names. He didn’t think it was likely that someone was listening outside the door, but in case they were, he wanted to cover his bases. “That’s what this time is about. If right now you feel like you’re bi, then awesome. You’re bi. If right now you feel like you’re gay, congratulations! You don’t even have to label it at all, if you don’t want to. Just use an umbrella term like queer or not-straight or questioning or whatever suits you for now. The point is, what you choose isn’t what you’re stuck with and there isn’t a wrong answer because you’re deciding for yourself. End of.”

“I don’t have to label it?” Louis asked, sounding shocked.

“Course not,” Nick said, with a chuckle. “You could say you’ve got the sexuality of a unicorn and people wouldn’t have the right to say you’re wrong.”

Louis snorted and Nick grinned. He could picture the look on Louis’ face when he made that sound, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

The line was quiet for a moment, and Nick checked the time. He really needed to get back upstairs. There was planning to do about the next several weeks with everyone on holiday.

“I think I might want to label it,” Louis said, so quiet Nick almost couldn’t make it out.

“That works too, pet,” Nick said, trying to soothe him. 

“I think I’m gay,” Louis whispered. “Oh my God, that’s the first time I’ve actually said those words out loud.”

Nick couldn’t believe he was the one Louis had chosen to confide in, but he was glad for it all the same. Proud, almost.

“Thank you for sharing.” Nick infused his voice with as much sincerity as he could, before clearing his throat and standing up. “Now, I can’t hide in the bathroom all day talking to you. Pick yourself up and go to Niall. Play FIFA or get drunk or make a bloody nail polish like you famous people do while the rest of us go out and actually work for a living.”

“Fuck off,” Louis said, laughing loudly. 

“Seriously, though,” Nick said, fiddling with the buttons on his shirt. He didn’t want to look at himself in the mirror while he said this part, but he needed to do something. “You’re very brave. Allow yourself to not think about it for a little bit and relax if you can. Okay?”

“Thanks.” Louis sighed into the phone, making it crackle a little. “Have a good rest of your day.”

“You too,” Nick said. He ended the call, and stepped out, happy to find no one waiting. 

It wasn’t until he’d made his way to the desk he had snagged for the day that he realised that was the first time they’d actually talked on the phone. A secret gay confession while an entire world apart. Even their first phone call had to be the height of dramatics.

Nick settled down to work, but he couldn't rid himself of his smile for the rest of the day.


	2. 2013 part 1

**February 2013 (2 Years, 3 Months Before)**

Harry’s birthday party was... awkward.

Okay, not all of it. It was actually a rather fun night with loads of drinking and proper posh decorations, etc. But Louis was obviously there and so was Nick, and no one knew they’d been talking. He’d thought it would be fine, easy enough to just avoid the lad like he used to, but it didn’t turn out to be quite as simple as that because it felt like every way Nick turned and every room he went to, Louis was there.

Nick had finally asked Louis a month or two ago whether their fledgeling friendship was something they should make common knowledge, if to no one else but their mutual friends. He considered the idea that people knowing they didn’t actually hate each other to be quite nice in theory, but Louis was too worried questions would be asked and his secret would be out.

Nick understood, and honestly it made his life easier not having it be widely known that he’d acquired yet another popstar in his social circle. It didn’t make the rare occasions where they were actually in the same room together easier, though.

So here he was, celebrating Harry’s nineteenth birthday, doing his best to pretend that he didn’t really know or care to know the loud lad whose presence was everywhere during the party.

Checking his phone, Nick felt he’d spent more than enough time to show he loved Harry and he could go home and have a good sleep. He did his best to live it up on the weekend when he didn’t have to be up early the next morning, but it threw his body out of balance and it was difficult to not be exhausted by the time eleven rolled around.

“Young Harry,” Nick cheered, pulling Harry into him for a tight hug. “I am but an old man who needs his rest. Not all of us can have your youthful beauty just thrust upon us.”

“Fuck off, Grim,” Harry said with a laugh. “You’re right fit, and you well know it.”

Pulling back, Nick gave a twirl and struck a pose. “Am I now? Hmm, send my name and information to all the unclaimed men out there so maybe I can show my hot bod off once in awhile, hmm?”

Nick was laughing with Harry a little when he caught Louis’ eye over Harry’s shoulder. He was close enough, but Nick couldn’t tell if he had heard over the music from the living room or not. Sending Louis a wink, Nick resumed his goodbyes and left the party as soon as he could.

The timing worked perfectly as the car he’d ordered arrived just as he was pulling on his coat on the porch, so he hopped in and started making small talk with the driver when his phone vibrated with a text. 

_ L: You staying up or actually going to sleep? _

Nick made suspicious eyes at his phone and was sure he looked ridiculous, but he honestly was concerned. Louis had the focus of his affections right in front of him, and he was curious about Nick? 

_ Nick: Why does that matter when you’ve got young Harold ready for the taking? Just wish him happy birthday with a good, old fashioned blow job and I’m sure it’ll all turn out just as you’d hoped. _

Louis started typing immediately, which just made Nick’s brows raise. Instead of locking his phone and continuing the conversation with the driver, Nick kept his phone awake and waited for Louis to send his message.

From what Nick could tell, Louis typed and deleted several times, and it took absolute ages for a message to come through at all. When it did, Nick couldn’t help but snort.

_ L: No _

Nick waited to see if he would send more, but he didn’t. Rolling his eyes in disgust, Nick typed out the question he was sure Louis had tried answering already but decided to stay away from. Honestly, he was known for being dramatic and he  _ loved _ playing it up on his show, but he had nothing on Louis, which he had previously believed to be impossible. Either way, Nick wasn’t going to let him take the easy way out.

_ Nick: Why the fuck not? It’s been almost a year since I first heard you blathering on about him and it doesn’t seem like anything has changed, so just fucking do it _ _   
_ _ Nick: You still love him, right? It seemed so when you were drunk and going on about his eyes just last week _

The car came to a stop, and Nick looked up to find that they were stuck in traffic. Because of course they were. It was nearing midnight on a Friday in February and there was a traffic jam. Welcome to London.

_ L: Yes, I still love Harry, but that doesn’t matter right now. Just answer my question. Are you planning to go to sleep right away or are you staying up? _

Sighing, Nick looked out the window and assessed. He was tired, but felt he could probably stay up for awhile. Especially if the traffic made the drive too much longer. He’d catch a second wind and not be able to get to sleep for ages.

_ Nick: I was planning on sleep but suppose I could be convinced otherwise if there happened to be an emergency with a certain popstar. _ _   
_ _ Nick: Is there an emergency with a certain popstar? _ _   
_ __ Nick: And what are you doing ignoring the birthday boy at his own party? I know it hasn’t died down already.

The traffic finally got moving enough that they got through the junction and started heading quickly towards Nick’s flat. 

_ L: There’s not an emergency per se _ _   
_ _ L: And I’m not ignoring him, he’s ignoring me. Hence the need to talk. _

“Doubt that very much,” Nick muttered under his breath. Harry wouldn’t ignore Louis if his life depended on it. Louis was one of those who commanded everyone’s attention when he was in the room, and Harry was always one of the first to fall into line to admire him. There had to be something more going on.

_ Nick: Fine, whatever. If you don’t make it in the next hour I might already be asleep, so there is a deadline of sorts _

_ L: Good, I’m already on my way _

“Cheeky,” Nick said as he shook his head, finally pocketing his phone.

The rest of the ride home was uneventful and after a hearty thanks, Nick climbed out and headed into his flat to await Louis’ arrival. Louis’ driver must have known a better way to get to Nick’s though, because a knock sounded before Nick had even been able to get himself a drink of water.

Rushing to the door, Nick whipped it open and blocked the way inside. He cocked his hip and put on a ridiculous, sultry face. 

“Well, look at that. I’ve got a right famous, incredibly  _ fit _ younger man on my doorstep at this hour of night. What  _ ever _ could this mean?”

Nick dragged his eyes over Louis’ body, letting in entirely too much cold air, all just because he knew it would annoy Louis further. 

It also gave him an excuse to enjoy Louis’ outfit in a way he hadn’t really been able to earlier. The jeans clung to his hips and thighs before tapering down to his ankles where they were rolled up to show off the fact he wasn’t wearing socks.

“Gross, do you ever wear socks?” Nick spat out before he could think twice.

“Fuck off and let me inside already,” Louis said, but when Nick looked at his face, he was smiling. He was glad to know Louis wasn’t actually angry.

Sighing, Nick shook his head and walked away, leaving the door open. He’d finally made it to his kitchen before he heard the door close and the sound of Louis kicking his shoes at the wall. 

“Oi, don’t ruin that paint job! I can’t afford a million professionals to fix up this place when I’m ready to move house like you can,” Nick called while he turned on the kettle. He knew Louis would require a tea even if all he wanted was water for himself.

Nick settled into the rhythm of making the tea and was surprised Louis hadn’t joined him in the kitchen. He must really be out of sorts if he wasn’t immediately coming in and spouting off every thought in his head like he usually did.

“Alright,” Nick said, bringing his tea in and setting it down on the coffee table before taking his seat beside where Louis had spread out across two cushions on the couch. “So what’s the not-emergency, then?”

Louis picked up the tea, sniffed at it, and apparently deemed it acceptable because he didn’t make a comment on it. Instead, he looked up at Nick and said, “I don’t know how to flirt.”

Caught off guard, Nick accidentally snorted some of his water up his nose and fell into a coughing fit. 

Finally able to calm his breathing, Nick set his cup down and wiped his eyes before saying, “Sure. What’s actually bothering you?”

“Fuck off,” Louis whined, sticking his toe into Nick’s side right where he knew Nick was ticklish. “I’m being serious. I don’t know how to flirt.”

Nick fixed him with a disbelieving look. “I’m being serious right now, Louis. You know how to flirt. Why do you think you don’t?”

“Because isn’t it different with guys?” Louis asked, suddenly sitting up, his arms going everywhere. “I know how to flirt with girls, I have no idea what to do with men! I just kind of flail or get obnoxious or something.”

Nick blinked at Louis, his face blank. “Is it different…” Nick breathed out a laugh and covered his face groaning. “Oh my God, what did I do in a past life to have to convince a popstar he knows how to flirt?”

“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. I’m sure I can find someone else who can-”

“No,” Nick said, waving his arm around in Louis’ general direction. “That’s not what I meant. I just...am too old for this, but also who else are you going to go to, hmm?”

Nick finally uncovered his face as he attempted to pull himself together and looked over at Louis. He was slightly tucked into himself now, and Nick knew he’d fucked up actually saying that out loud. 

“Dunno,” Louis said. “It’s kind of why I’m even here making do with your sorry arse.”

He gave Nick a small smile, and Nick relaxed a little. “Yeah, only dire circumstances would bring you to me,” he teased. Clearing his throat, Nick sat up straight and turned his body towards Louis. “Okay. So show me how you’d flirt with me.”

Louis looked at him confused. “I don’t know what I’d do, that’s the entire issue here. I was going to flirt with Harry a little but he was so busy with all his other friends that it gave me time to think and I realised I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”

“You’re overthinking it,” Nick said, confidently. “Just do what feels natural. Flirting is flirting. What would you do with a girl? Try it out with me. Come on.”

Louis studied Nick’s face before he squared his shoulders and he leaned closer to Nick. When he did, it was like he’d put a mask on, or maybe his performing persona or something. He looked alive and confident and sexy.

Reaching out to the short sleeve of Nick’s top, Louis fiddled with it a little and allowed his fingertips to drag against Nick’s skin. It made goosebumps erupt across his arm, and Louis hadn’t even really done anything yet.

“I really like this top,” Louis said, leaning even closer, as if to get a better look at the design on the front. “It’s got a great almost vintage vibe about it and it fits you perfectly.” Louis looked up at Nick then and his head was angled perfectly so he had to look through his eyelashes to make eye contact. 

This fucking man didn’t think he knew how to flirt, and yet within seconds of putting the moves on Nick, he had him speechless.

Nicholas Grimshaw of BBC Radio 1’s Breakfast Show was speechless. It might very well have been the first time in his life he could ever say that.

“It makes your shoulders look fantastic. Have you been working out?”

That made Nick scoff a little. The working out line, honestly.

“You were doing perfectly until the end there,” Nick said, shifting in his seat a little. 

Louis pulled back and snorted. “Shut up, I was not.”

“Oh, you really were,” Nick said standing up. “Okay, come on. Let’s do some role play. Pretend I’m Harry. We’re at his party, and you want to come and flirt with him.”

“Oh my God,” Louis whined, covering his face and shaking his head emphatically. “No. No no no. I am  _ not _ pretending you’re Harry. That’s too weird and far too embarrassing.”

Nick sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He was messing up the quiff he’d worked so hard to achieve earlier, but at this point he didn’t really care. It was the end of the night and Louis had seen him in far worse conditions anyway. 

“Wait,” Louis said, standing up and walking over to Nick. He came up right up into Nick’s space and reached up, gently running his fingers through Nick’s hair and pulling some of it down to drape over his forehead. “The quiff works really well for you, but you should consider letting your natural curls out a little more too.”

“That right?” Nick asked, softly.

Louis nodded, head tilted to the side as he took in the changes he’d made. “The quiff elongates your face, but the curls make you look younger somehow. Softer.”

Louis’ eyes slowly drifted down to Nick’s lips and when he licked his lips, Nick couldn’t help but mirror the action.

“Younger’s good,” Nick practically whispered. “I’ve been noticing more and more wrinkles lately. Can’t have that.”

Louis shook his head and said, “Shut the fuck up, Nicholas, you’re ruining the moment.”

“Wha-” 

Nick was cut off by Louis lifting himself up onto his toes and finally getting the kiss Nick knew he’d been thinking about since he’d walked over. Louis’ lips were rough against his, and it felt incredible. Slumping a little to help Louis’ balance, Nick wrapped his arms around Louis’ waist and pulled him in closer. 

They’d kissed before, but it was almost always Nick who started it, and it was always with the explicit understanding that they were exploring. Practicing. This still was obviously a part of that, but it somehow felt different.

Louis had said he didn’t want to pretend Nick was Harry. Did that mean he was attracted to Nick? Or did that just mean that in the case of their flirting practice he didn’t want to pretend Nick was Harry?

Wait. The thing Louis had done with Nick’s hair, that  _ had _ been him practicing his flirting, Nick was almost sure of it. But what if it wasn’t? Was Louis so naturally good at flirting he didn’t even know he was doing it? Fuck, if anyone was like that, it would be Louis. Go figure he’d be in a band with the only other person Nick had ever known like that. One fucking Direction was going to be the end of Nick.

Louis licking into Nick’s mouth brought his focus back entirely to Louis. The kiss was heated, but not moving as fast as their previous ones had, and Nick was okay with that. He wanted to appreciate it. Enjoy it. Remember it. He could feel the burn from the scruff on Louis’ face as they repositioned. 

Louis’ fingers began to climb into Nick’s hair at the back of his neck, and he knew they should move this to the bedroom. Nick had already been having a hard time holding back when Louis had been using ridiculous lines about his shirt and working out as they sat on the couch. Now that he could feel Louis’ own arousal against his thigh, he wanted to take this further.

“That was excellent flirting,” Nick said, panting a bit as he attempted to slow his heart rate after he had pulled away from Louis. Louis continued his ministrations along Nick’s neck, sucking particularly hard on the juncture between Nick’s neck and shoulder. 

“Wasn’t flirting, was being serious,” Louis said before he started pulling down on the neck of Nick’s top so he could start sucking at Nick’s collarbones. 

“Fuck,” Nick muttered, knees starting to buckle when Louis bit down particularly hard. “Bedroom?”

“Please,” Louis said, only then pulling back from Nick before he tugged his own top off and tossed it on the floor. Turning around while he worked on his belt and jeans, Louis headed to where he obviously well knew Nick’s room to be. 

Nick knew this didn’t mean anything for Louis other than just another gay experience to help him towards his ultimate goal of Harry. He did. But Louis did something to him that made him want to lose himself in him, and that was dangerous. 

Didn’t mean Nick was going to stop, though.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**April 2013 (2 Years, 1 Month Before)**

Nick squinted at the row of rags in front of him. Every single one seemed to have a different photo of Louis walking down the street, holding hands with a girl and some ridiculous headline about how he’s shacking up with someone new.

Nick took a quick photo and sent it to Louis, no caption included. Why was Louis being closeted when his label thought he was straight? He supposed Harry had several promotional and incredibly fake relationships that never lasted long and there had been talk of Liam doing the same, but Nick thought he would have heard something from Louis if that was the case with him. So what was the deal here? 

_ L: Like what you see? ;) _

“Oh my God,” Nick muttered while walking to the aisle with all of the probiotic drinks. He’d recently found a green one that tasted particularly gross, but he felt healthy while drinking it, so he did it anyway. He was almost out and needing to stock up.

_ Nick: The Powers that Be working on their matchmaking skills again or…? _

Pausing to toss in a package of Jammie Dodgers - life was too short to  _ completely _ deny oneself - Nick finished walking to the coolers. Grabbing several green nasties, Nick headed back to the front to pay.

_ L: Yeah, something like that. _

Nick pursed his lips. It wasn’t his business. It  _ especially _ wasn’t his business since Louis hadn’t been keeping in contact with Nick as regularly as he had been before. Nick was sure it was at least partially because their tour schedule was ridiculous, but Louis had texted more often during tour last year and Nick had anticipated the same this go round.

Sighing, Nick took a few steps forward in the queue before typing a response.

_ Nick: Alright. Just wanted to check since it seemed everywhere I turn I see your ugly mug  _

Louis sent a slew of pointing emojis, and Nick guessed were meant to be Louis flicking him off. Someday they would get that emoji and Nick knew it would easily be a favourite of Louis’. 

Nick got home and pulled out his phone only to see no new texts from Louis. He shouldn’t be, but he was disappointed. He didn’t know why he felt that way, he’d gone over a month without hearing from him before texting today, so it wasn’t like it was unexpected. It just hurt a little. He was used to Louis telling him things now, and it was weird when Louis was all radio silence.

Putting his drinks in the fridge and taking the Jammie Dodgers with him to the living room, Nick slumped down on the couch and turned on the telly. There wasn’t anything on, but he just needed to feel a little less alone was all.

He’d just settled on a rerun of some shitty film from the nineties when his phone rang. There was a horrendous photo of Harry filling up his screen and he smiled.

“Oh, look who remembered I am actually his friend after all,” Nick teased. “I’ve hardly heard from you since your birthday. You never call, you never write. I’m like your poor forgotten mother.”

“I speak with my mum almost daily, thank you,” Harry said with a laugh. “And I saw you just a couple weeks ago.”

“Oh I know, but that doesn’t mean we had much of a chance to speak since everyone wanted a piece of you. And I know all about your speaking habits with your mum. I actually talk with her more often than I do with you as well,” Nick said with a laugh. In fact, Anne had invited him over for some wine next time he was up north visiting Eileen and Peter. He was looking forward to it since he was meant to head up for a long weekend in a few weeks.

“I’m sure,” Harry said, yawning. 

“Stop yawning in my ear,” Nick complained before yawning himself. “Those are addictive or whatever-”

“Contagious is the word you’re looking for,” Harry interrupted. “Can’t believe you’re a radio presenter.”

“-and once I start I can’t stop, so no more,” Nick said before yawning once more. “Fuck, this job is aging me, I swear it is. I’m going to be as old as my nan here in just a year or two.”

“Yeah, how’s the new gig, huh? I helped you kick it all off and then I feel like we’ve not spoken about it since.”

The two of them chatted a bit before Harry told Nick to hold on and he started talking to someone in the background. Nick thought it sounded like Louis, but he couldn’t tell for sure. 

“Sorry about that,” Harry said when he came back.

“Oh, you’re fine. Everything okay in the land of popstars?”

Harry sighed and didn’t answer right away which was never a good thing. 

“Uh oh,” Nick said, turning off the telly because he had a feeling it might have to do with Louis. “Trouble in paradise?”

“I mean, not really,” Harry said, drawing out his already slow drawl. “It’s just… management has gone a bit hard on Louis and I don’t understand why. Well, I do, but I don’t understand why it’s him that’s taking the brunt of it, you know?”

Nick hummed because he couldn’t trust his voice to not give away his concern. He couldn’t really express more than a general curiosity because Harry didn’t know that Louis and Nick were even on good terms much less talking and occasionally fucking.

Wait. Did Harry even have a clue that Louis wasn’t straight? Louis hadn’t told anyone last Nick heard, but that was a month or two ago and a lot could have changed in that time. And even if Louis hadn’t told him, Harry might have an inkling. God, this whole situation was fucked.

“It’s just. There are fans that ship us or whatever and that’s fine, there are fans that ship all five of us with each other. It’s not a big deal. It’s what happens. But for whatever reason, the guys in charge are really focusing on the ones with me and Louis.”

Nick felt his blood going cold. That was exactly the opposite of what Louis needed when he was trying to figure himself out. Fuck. No wonder he had gone quiet with Nick. He was probably dealing with even more than Nick thought he was.

“They’re making him have a pretend relationship and they’re going really hard. Keep hammering it into him that he’s supposed to be a taken man, all this shit. It’s screwed up and really homophobic. I don’t see what the big deal is when he’s straight.”

Harry kept going and Nick did his best to sound like he was listening, but he couldn’t focus anymore. He kept thinking about Louis the last time he saw him. He was soft, hair mussed from sleeping funny on it the night before they kicked off their tour. He said he wasn’t ruling out being bi, but he really did think he was gay, and that was it. That was the last time Nick had heard from him apart from the texting today. 

Now this.

“Is Louis doing okay with all of this?” Nick finally asked, cutting Harry off from whatever he was in the middle of saying.

Sighing, Harry said, “Don’t know. He says he is, but it’s wearing on him. Not that you care.”

“Fuck off,” Nick said. “I’m not heartless. We might not be friends, but I don’t want anyone to be struggling with shit like that.”

Snorting, Harry said, “Yeah. Not friends. That’s like, the most amicable way I could describe you two.”

“You don’t know anything,” Nick said, snuffing. “We could be friends. Maybe we just didn’t tell you.”

Nick’s heart was racing at how close to the truth he was at the moment. What if Harry believed him? Would Louis be mad?

“Sure,” Harry said. “You two are best mates, right?”

“Maybe,” Nick said, hoping his voice sounded coy and dramatic.

“Yeah.” There was a ruckus in the background, and Harry yelled a little before coming back to Nick. “Break’s over. Gotta get back to work.”

“Alright,” Nick said with a sigh. “Have fun being rich and famous, and take care of that bandmate of yours.”

“Yeah, I’ll try. Thanks, Grim.”

Nick hung up and felt even more weighed down. This time it wasn’t out of self pity at least, but it was almost worse worrying about Louis and not feeling like he had any right to reach out to him.

He’d just wait and hope Louis would text if he needed him.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**June 2013 (1 Year, 11 Months Before)**

Nick’s phone was going off. Was it time to wake up already? He’d changed his alarms because the tones he’d used before had started becoming part of his dreams instead of waking him up and he still wasn’t used to the new ones yet.

He hit around his nightstand for his phone and when he pulled it to his face so he could see without his contacts, he was surprised to see just an “L” at the top of the screen indicating a phone call.

Clearing his throat as best he could, Nick rubbed his forehead and answered the call. “‘lo? Louis? Everything okay?”

He heard ragged breathing and what sounded like crying and Nick had never gone from sound asleep to wide awake so fast. 

“Louis? Please say something and let me know you’re there.”

Nick’s blood pressure was quickly skyrocketing and he couldn’t stay laying in bed like this. He wasn’t sure what he could do, but his anxiety was so high after the five seconds this phone call had lasted that he couldn’t remain in bed and feel like he was about to crawl out of his skin. 

“I’m h-h-h-here,” Louis finally choked out through sobs. “I’m s-sorry, it’s s-s-so l-late...”

“Fuck, it’s okay, Lou. You can call anytime you need, don’t worry about me, alright?”

Louis hummed back between sobs and Nick cursed under his breath before walking to the kitchen. He had to go back to his room to find his glasses because he’d forgotten it was the middle of the night and he was blind. He figured his confusion was warranted, though, because it wasn’t every day he was woken by one fifth of what was possibly the most popular band in the world crying on the phone.

“Do you want me to keep talking about shit until you are calmed down or do you want me to just be quiet and here?” Nick asked as he shoved his glasses on.

“Talk?” Louis said, making it sound like a question through his jagged breaths. “Please.”

“Sure,” Nick said, walking back to the kitchen. “So Fifi and I are talking about taking a holiday together to celebrate my birthday. Might even take auntie Rita and everything.”

Nick talked about everything he could come up with that had happened on the show, or the mishaps with Peaches and Aimee the other day, or the way Eileen told him off for his song of the week choice the week before. Anything and everything to keep Louis’ mind distracted until he was ready to talk.

It had been about twenty minutes and Nick had finished recounting the latest thing Greg had done to get the legal department at the BBC emailing his producer again when he finally heard Louis chuckle. 

“Ah, there we are. At least Greg is enough of a mess to get you laughing.” Nick smiled and took a sip of his tea that had somehow passed the perfect drinking temperature and skipped right to cold. He should make another one, but he didn’t want to get off the couch. It was half four anyway. It would be time for coffee soon enough.

“I tried,” Louis started before pausing for a moment. Nick stayed silent, just waiting for Louis to finish his thought. “I haven’t been with a girl in so long, I thought I should give it another try. Just to see. Cause that would be easier, right? But it wasn’t. It was bad, Nick. I completely freaked and left as soon as I could and now I’m just hiding somewhere in the middle of Iowa or Tennessee or wherever we are today and I don’t know what to do.”

Louis’ breathing was picking up again and it sounded like talking about it was getting Louis to the point of panic again. But also, now that he’d started it didn’t sound like he was stopping.

“I’ve been trying so hard. So fucking hard to be straight,” Louis said, voice getting a little louder before quieting down again. “Like, if they are having me do these stupid pap walks and shipping out some random girl whose name I can hardly remember because we are suddenly in a relationship with a fake story behind it and all then I thought hey. Maybe I’ll just stick with girls for now and do the guy thing once it isn’t such a big deal, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t, I just... fuck.”

“It’s okay, love. You don’t have to talk about it right now if you don’t want to or don’t feel up to it.”

“I want to,” Louis said, emphatically. “Fuck, I’m the worst. I only reach out to you when I’m complaining or something.”

“You are not the worst,” Nick said. “And it makes sense, really. We only got to know each other because of that. And you know I’m willing to listen and have done a good job at secret keeping so far, right? I’m safe. It’s okay.”

Louis let out a whining sound and his voice sounded thick with tears again when he started talking. “I just. I told you awhile ago now I think I’m gay, but I wasn’t sure. I’m pretty fucking sure now, Nick. Even being in that situation with a girl, a girl who had already signed the paperwork and was vetted by management and shit, had me in a fucking meltdown. I felt entirely out of control of the way my body was reacting and everything. It was the worst thing I think I’ve ever experienced in my life.”

“I’m so sorry, love. I’m sorry it had to happen like that,” Nick said as soothingly as he could. He pulled the blanket he’d wrapped himself in a little tighter. He wished he could hold Louis as he freaked out, but the best he could do was to help himself feel warm and comforted and hope that feeling was somehow sent through the phone to Louis. “Do you feel more settled in knowing that about yourself now, though?”

Louis took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Nick felt better being able to hear that his breathing was evening out again. 

“I mean, yeah. I guess.” Louis stayed quiet for a moment before saying, “I feel a little better or settled or whatever, but fuck. That’s so embarrassing and not really the way to go about it, you know? I’m some freak now who not only couldn’t get it up, but had a panic attack or whatever over it before rushing out.”

Nick sighed a little, before something Louis had said earlier struck him. “Are you seriously just sitting in an alley or summat right now in the middle of nowhere?”

He could hear Louis shuffling around a little before he finally said, “I mean, kind of.”

“Louis, what the fuck,” Nick said with a laugh, dropping his head back to the couch. Louis had a good head on his shoulders, but Nick needed him to take care of himself a little better. “Okay, here’s what I need you to do. You’re going to hang up with me and call someone to come get you as soon as possible. We can’t have you out there just wandering around lost. Then you’re going to get a good night’s sleep, or the best you can with the ridiculous schedule you’ve got right now. Then when you wake up you’re going to shoot me a text and let me know how you’re doing, okay? No more of this radio silence from you. You come and complain to me whenever you need, alright?”

“Alright. Thanks, Nick.”

Nick took a deep breath in and sighed. “Anytime. Seriously. Never apologise for calling at any time if you need me, okay?”

“Yeah. Hope the show goes alright today.”

“Thanks,” Nick said with a smile. “Get some rest and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

They hung up and Nick closed his eyes. He’d almost dozed off right there on the couch when his alarm went off. Fine, he didn’t need more rest. He did need a massive coffee, though. If he got ready fast enough, he could grab one on the way to work. 

Nick got up, put on a peppy playlist, and tried his best to distract himself from the sound of Louis’ sobs that wouldn’t stop echoing around his head. He’d almost gotten them to leave when near the end of his show, he got a text.

_ L: Up early to record. Voice feels rough, but they said it works for the song we’re doing so that’s good. Thanks again. _

Nick sighed and smiled against his will. He’d missed Louis’ texts. He wasn’t happy this was the reason they’d started coming again, but he’d take what he could get at this point.

_ Nick: Good. Tell them it’s because of all the head you’ve been giving _

_ L: I hate you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got another multi-platinum song to record _

Nick sent back a slew of entirely unrelated emojis and almost missed his intro after the news finished, but he was okay with that. Louis sent back a ridiculous selfie that showed shadows beneath his eyes, but a smile was on his face so Nick thought it worth it.

Now, he just needed to find a way to keep that smile going.

  
  



	3. 2013 part 2

**August 2013 (1 Year, 9 Months Before)**

Nick finished up the show and thanked everyone again for the surprise cake they’d brought for his birthday. Thanks to his early holiday, he’d ended up having to work on the actual day itself, but now he was the ripe old age of twenty-nine, he figured he should man up and be alright with adulting on his birthday.

Minimal amounts of it, though. He’d specifically made sure to schedule things as best he could so he would be leaving almost immediately after wrapping up the show.

“Happy birthday, darling. Don’t party too hard, I’d rather not deal with you hungover again,” Fiona said as she wrapped him in a hug. 

“I don’t know, I quite like hungover Grimmy,” producer Liam said. 

“I’m not sure I like either of you right now,” Nick said, laughing as he picked up the rest of the ridiculous rainbow cake they had given him. “Bye, loves. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye,” he called over his shoulder as he carefully walked out of the studio and to the work area. He already had everything he’d brought with him, and honestly he felt like he was playing hookie leaving this early. It was a wonderfully liberating feeling.

He was waiting for the lift when his phone started vibrating in his pocket. 

“Why do you have to ring right this moment?” Nick muttered as he shifted the cake into one arm while trying to carefully balance his bag so it wouldn’t fall off his shoulder when he shoved his hand into his trouser pocket. It better not be Harry saying he was late to picking him up. They were meant to get brunch together before Harry went north to spend some time with his mum and Robin. They only had a couple of days off before they had to go to all the red carpet events and whatever else they had to do for their new film, and Nick was glad Harry wanted to carve out a few hours for him.

When he looked at his phone, though, it wasn’t Harry. It was Louis. 

“I’ll admit, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today,” Nick said as he stepped onto the lift. He was so used to riding it alone, he was surprised to see a few suits from the more serious BBC offices on already. He offered them a smile and made a note to keep his voice down if he was required to speak before they got to the ground. 

“Weren’t you?” Louis asked, sounding proud of himself. “You think I was just going to forget it’s your birthday?”

Nick blinked in surprise. “Well, kind of, yeah. I didn’t think I’d made mention of it all that much or anything.” He looked at the other men in the lift and was glad to see they were all more interested in their own phones than his conversation, so he didn’t feel quite so rude.

“Well, I definitely have  _ not _ forgotten, and Harry sends his apologies, but he won’t be picking you up.”

Nick had taken about three steps off the lift when he froze, having to apologise for making those behind him move at the last minute.

“What do you mean he won’t be picking me up? We were meant to go for brunch,” Nick whined. “I love brunch. And now I’ve got a cake that I don’t want to take on the tube…” Nick pouted..

“You’re an idiot,” Louis said, sounding entirely unamused. “Just come out of your building already. A car is waiting for you, it’s just not his.”

Nick walked outside and saw a small, fancy sports car with the window rolled down.

“Come on, Nicholas,” Louis called. Nick had to remind himself to breathe with Louis wearing aviators behind the wheel of a fancy car. “Climb on in so I can tell you about the change of plans.”

Opening the door, Nick said, “You’re lucky none of your fans are out here or you’d have even more explaining to do.”

Louis scoffed and pulled away from the curb once Nick had buckled up. “Please. Harry’s mum called and asked him to come home early so he begged me to come and get you for him. Didn’t want to leave you to public transit on your birthday.”

“So this is just a favour to him, then,” Nick said, brow arched. “I should have known. You only remembered my birthday because of Harry, didn’t you?”

Louis placed his left hand over his heart and said dramatically, “How very dare you! I’m not sure I could even call us friends with how disbelieving you are about my ability to remember important dates.”

Nick just stared at Louis until the man wilted a little. “Okay, fine. I might not have known today was your birthday until yesterday, but I made some excellent last-minute plans.”

Furrowing his brow, Nick asked, “Really?” He wasn’t sure why, but he was completely caught off guard that Louis wanted to do something for his birthday. He was pleased, but surprised just the same.

“‘Course,” Louis said, only glancing at Nick at a stoplight. “A man’s birthday should be celebrated.”

Something warm was growing within Nick. Louis had learned about his birthday and put together a plan to celebrate. That was dead nice of him.

“Don’t go getting your hopes up too high, though,” Louis said, squishing his face up a little. “The world at large still thinks we hate each other, so my choices weren’t great. I think you’ll be pleased in the end, though.”

“I’m sure I will.”

They chatted easily the rest of the car ride before they ended up back at Nick’s.

“I’ll help with the cake,” Louis said quickly, jumping out of the car and walking around to take the cake so Nick could safely climb out of the car.

“You’re being quite the gentleman,” Nick said, feeling quite caught off guard.

“You don’t have to sound so surprised,” Louis said, sounding a bit grumpy. “I’ve been told I’m quite chivalrous and a good boyfriend, so that can obviously transfer over to whatever it is we are.”

Nick pulled out his keys to let them in as he considered what label they’d use. “Friends with benefits? Sage gay and padawan gay? Master and apprentice?”

“You started so well,” Louis said, laughing. “Padawan? Oh my God.”

Nick shrugged and took the cake from Louis who then jogged back to the car and pulled some bags out of the boot. 

“Was just trying to give you some options to choose from is all,” Nick said, feeling giddy and light. He didn’t know if it was just the natural endorphins from a rare sunny day in London paired with his birthday or what, but he was practically bubbling with energy.

Once Louis had come inside and Nick had closed the door behind them, Louis shrugged and said, “I guess we’re kind of friends with benefits, but I am learning from you too. Not sure where that puts us.”

Smiling at Louis, Nick said, “Don’t think we need to put us anywhere. Just let us live and if we’re good with it, then it shouldn’t matter to anyone else.”

Louis set the bags down, kicked off his shoes and removed the sunglasses. Nick didn’t fully gasp out loud, but it was a near thing. 

Louis looked  _ exhausted.  _ Nick knew their schedule was horrifically demanding and the stress of such a long world tour was wearing on all of them, but he had no idea it had been so hard for Louis physically.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Louis said, shaking his head. “I’m just tired, okay? I’m fine. Now help me get all of this to the kitchen. I’ve not got many skills on the hob, but I have a few and I’m going to show them off for you now.”

“Look at you,” Nick said, pleased. “You don’t need my help getting a man. Cooking for him will win almost any gay man over.”

“I don’t want just any gay man,” Louis replied as he started unpacking one of the bags. Nick felt a small twinge, just a little pain - a niggle almost - just below his heart. He pushed it away immediately as Louis spoke up again. “But Harry doesn’t matter right now. It’s  _ your _ birthday.”

“You are absolutely right, it is my birthday,” Nick said, collapsing into a chair at the table so he could watch Louis make himself home in his kitchen. “So what all is going to be happening during this celebration you’ve planned?”

“It really isn’t much,” Louis said as he dug around Nick’s cupboard for the right pan. “Just going to make you some late brekkie and then thought we could watch some of that shit telly you always talk about. I know you’ve got plans with Pixie later, so I didn’t want to do anything too wild.”

Harry was an idiot. He had Louis in front of him somewhere around 99.9 percent of the time, and he hadn’t even tried to kiss him? Talk to him about whether Louis would be open to a relationship with a man? Nothing? He was somehow out there, literally living with Louis, and still entirely unaware of the fact the gorgeous, thoughtful, kind,  _ sexy _ man was pining after him? Nick wished he could understand what was going on in his head.

“That sounds perfect,” Nick said, smiling. “Now, tell me how tour’s been going. You look awful, mate.”

“Thanks so much,” Louis said, sticking his tongue out at Nick. “Do you have kitchen scissors?”

Nick guided him to the scissors before saying, “I’m not so easily distracted as that, Tomlinson.”

Sighing, Louis said, “It’s been fine. It’s just been a lot.”

That ‘a lot’ sounded rather weighty, with the way Louis had said it. “A lot how?”

Louis dropped some bacon into a pan before cracking eggs into a bowl and going to wash his hands. 

“I’ve just been trying to deal with everything, you know? And it’s hard.”

Louis had texted him much more regularly after his breakdown in June, but he never gave many details. Just said he was hanging in there, and not to worry. Nick should have known there was more to it than just that.

“Yeah. Makes sense,” Nick said. He wasn’t really equipped to handle this kind of conversation, but he also had a feeling that just like with most of their other chats, if he got Louis to start really talking about it, Louis wouldn’t be able to stop until he’d explained everything.

“I just… It’s so stupid.” Louis shook his head and poured the eggs into a separate pan before poking at the bacon. “I just, I feel like… I don’t know how to describe it. Guilty, almost.”

“Guilty about what?” 

“Like, for being gay, I guess.” Louis shook his head. “Don’t even say it, I know. It’s not anything to feel guilty about, but I still do. I can’t help it. Guilty I like men. Guilty I’m attracted to Harry. Guilty I’m so fucked up about it. Guilty that I feel like it’s something I have to hide when deep down I want to be proud of it. Guilty that I feel guilty. Guilty that I feel so happy every time I see someone with a rainbow flag. Just… guilty. All the time.”

“You don’t have to feel guilty here,” Nick said quietly. 

Louis looked at him with a wan smile. “I still do, though. Guilty that I’m using you.”

“You’re not,” Nick said emphatically. “You’re not using me.”

Louis shrugged and focused on whatever he was doing with the food. Nick had lost track of it at this point. 

“It’s okay, you know?” Nick said gently. “It’s okay to feel how you do. But you also need to give yourself permission to get over it too.”

“I try,” Louis said, sounding defensive. “I really do. But the lads can tell something’s up. They keep trying to see if maybe drinking will help my ‘nerves,’ or tell me to just take another girl home and maybe I’ll feel better. Just keep trying all these different things and maybe it’ll work, and it never does.”

Nick studied the way that Louis’ cheeks were just a little more gaunt than they were in the spring. The way his shoulders hunched in on himself and how dark the circles were beneath his eyes. 

“I’m sorry, Lou,” Nick said gently. “Don’t say it’s okay, because I know it’s not. But know that I don’t mind being the person you lean on. I enjoy when we get together. Have a bit of banter. Don’t think I’m not enjoying myself during all of this, okay?”

Louis gave him a tired smile and nodded.

Soon enough, there were two plates absolutely loaded with food that Louis had cooked up for Nick, and it looked to be full of more calories than Nick usually allowed himself in an entire week. He was more than excited for it.

Nick got up from where he’d been sitting at the table and walked towards Louis, who was holding the plates. When Nick got closer, Louis shifted around and held the plates out of reach.

“No you don’t,” Louis said, eyebrow raised. “This is a one-time deal, but I’m serving you breakfast in bed. It’s what I always request and I never get it, so I’m going to do this for you.”

Laughing, Nick said, “But I’ve been up for hours.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Louis said airily, practically skipping around Nick and turning the corner. “Eating in bed is still a delicacy.”

Nick nodded to himself because that was true. Last time he’d eaten in bed was on holiday. In fact, the only times he had ever eaten in bed were  _ always _ on holiday. Louis was right, he needed to allow himself this opportunity.

“I’m going to choose what we watch if you don’t get in here soon enough,” Louis called.

Nick walked in and saw that Louis was settled on the right side of the bed, flipping the channels. 

“Daytime TV is the worst,” Louis grumbled.

“Good thing I’ve got all I want saved on the box, then,” Nick said, climbing up carefully so he wouldn’t disturb their food. 

Nick snatched the remote away from Louis who didn’t even put up a fight. Instead he just bit into a piece of bacon.

Once the show Nick wanted started, he finally looked down on the plate and saw amongst the beans, bacon and eggs was also a piece of toast. He  _ hated _ toast. He was very open about his dislike of that particular food. Did Louis not know? Was he waiting for Nick to make a comment about it? He felt like  _ maybe _ this was a test.

“Why are you just staring at the food and not eating it?” Louis teased, leaning over to nudge Nick’s shoulder. “You do know that in order to eat it, you’ve got to put it in your mouth first, right?”

“Fuck off,” Nick said, swatting at Louis’ arm. “I just don’t like toast and was wondering if it was a test or if you didn’t know.”

Louis froze and looked at Nick, confused smile on his face. “You don’t like toast?”

Squishing up his nose, Nick shook his head. “It’s all crispy and dry and sticks to my mouth when I try to eat it and it’s like eating warm, stale bread. I don’t understand the appeal.”

“Oh my God, you’re insane,” Louis said, laughing. “Fine, I’ll take your toast, you donut.”

Nick happily held his plate out and Louis took the offending food off, immediately taking a bite out of it.

“You’re not getting a kiss from me after eating that, just to let you know,” Nick joked.

And why would he say that? That was a ridiculous thing to say. Terribly presumptive. Louis wasn’t there to kiss him or anything like that, so why would he immediately jump to those kinds of conclusions?

Maybe it was because every time they’ve been in each other’s presence, it had ended like that. Nick was just conditioned now to think that if he and Louis were in the same place at the same time and they were alone, they’d end up together in bed.

Come to think of it, that was exactly how this time has ended too. Except they’re fully clothed. 

“Fine with me,” Louis said, obnoxiously taking another massive bite out of the bread and chewing it with his mouth open, moaning. “Oh my God,” he said, mouth still full. “This toast is so fucking good. I’m a toast wizard, I think. So fucking good.” He took another bite, stuffing even more of the disgusting dry shit into his mouth.

“You are an animal,” Nick said, turning his nose up and looking at the TV. “I can’t believe I let you make me food, much less eat it while in my bed. You’re bound to get crumbs everywhere. You are just absolutely disgusting.”

“You’re a rubbish liar,” Louis said happily, dipping the toast into his beans. “Eat up, watch the telly. A nice relaxing birthday morning.”

They quieted down outside of Louis’ remarks about the idiocy of the people on Nick’s current favourite reality show. It was rubbish, but he found something appealing about them. It was like a train wreck he couldn’t look away from.

Almost as soon as their food was done, Nick heard the soft whistle-snore that he had come to associate with Louis. Sure enough, when he looked beside him, Louis was slumped over, fast asleep. 

Turning off the show, Nick took their plates and settled them beside the bed, then helped shift Louis further down in the bed. Wrapping him up and pulling the covers over them, Nick happily closed his eyes for a nice, mid-morning birthday nap with his surprise companion.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**November 2013 (1 Year, 6 Months Before)**

Nick’s phone buzzed on the desk and he snatched it up before anyone could see. Louis had been finding it increasingly hysterical to send Nick incredibly inappropriate texts. He knew Nick was staying late at work to record an interview with One Direction that was meant to air the next morning. Nick just found it incredibly rude.

And slightly funny. But mostly rude. 

“Who in the world has been texting you so much this afternoon?” 

Nick looked up at producer Liam and rolled his eyes. “Just a mate who knows I’m stuck at work late so they’re trying to wear down my battery or summat.”

Liam shook his head and then went back to work while Nick looked down at his phone, which was still vibrating with texts.

_ L: In all seriousness, I’m so fucking tired _ _   
_ _ L: I know I’ve been a shit today, but you’re literally our fifth interview at a different location _ _   
_ __ L: And I love being busy and feeling like I’m getting things done, but...I dunno

Nick thought back to just last month when he’d gotten a slew of ranty voice memos Louis had recorded in a whisper backstage while hiding from Paul. It was right before they were supposed to go on stage and Louis was so tired he could barely function and the European leg was winding down but promotional interviews and such were ramping up at the same time. Louis just needed to get so much off his chest and he did as well as he could in five minutes before Nick heard Paul yelling after him to get his arse to the station for the microphones. 

They’d been doing a ton of promo for their film all through the summer in addition to the usual recording the next album, filming music videos, doing the usual interviews, and then the heavy tour schedule and Nick had to be impressed with all of them. His old man body would not be able to handle everything that they were putting theirs through. 

Then again, he wasn’t sure it was really their choice.

_ Nick: Well just think. It’ll be a matter of moments before you get to see my gorgeous face and that is sure to cheer you up _

Louis stopped texting immediately despite the message being marked as read. Frowning at the phone a little, Nick sighed and went back to his questions.

The band had a slew of blacklisted topics, which was fine and entirely normal, but Nick was constantly worried that he would forget something was off-limits and just spew it out without thinking. Focusing on his notecards before looking around, Nick realised they’d set the five chairs for the band in two rows while Nick’s was several feet away, just sitting alone in front of them like he was doing some sort of televised interview. 

They were filming it, and the BBC was likely to use some of the footage for various projects, but still. It felt far more contrived than he was used to in his little comfortable studio by the Live Lounge.

A door opened on the other side of the room and the noise level ramped up with the band and their team entering.

“Grim,” Harry said fondly. While Nick was held tight in Harry’s arms, Harry tucked himself into Nick’s shoulder and whispered, “Lou’s in a bit of a mood today, so take it easy on him, alright?”

Nick’s eyes darted over to Louis who was scowling and looking at the floor from the chair he’d sat in. 

“I don’t go into these things looking for fights, you know,” Nick said back, feeling slightly affronted that Harry would imply he would purposefully be rude to Louis. He had in the past, but only on the very rare occasions and both times Louis had definitely deserved it. Louis had done nothing of the sort today. “Oftentimes, he starts it.”

Harry rolled his eyes and slapped Nick on the shoulder. “Just saying. Don’t start anything.”

“I’m a professional, darling. I’m offended you’d think otherwise.”

Snorting, Harry turned around and started asking one of the crew members about their children. When Nick snuck a peek at Louis, he was watching Harry. Instead of the fondness he expected to see, though, Louis looked thoughtful and sad. 

“Ready?” Fiona asked, leading Nick to his seat. “We have a tight schedule. They don’t have much time.”

“Right,” Nick said, nodding. “Alright, lads?” 

Liam smiled brightly and gave a positive answer while Niall and Zayn just offered tired grins and nodded. 

Louis continued scowling at the floor. Maybe Harry had been on to something.

“Right,” Nick said, slowly. “Well, once Harry gets his lovely self into a chair, we can get started so you can be shuttled off to another interview or whatever.”

“Perfect,” Louis muttered sarcastically as he straightened up and plucked at his top. Nick wished he hadn’t heard the comment as it already annoyed him, even if it wasn’t directed right at him. 

He distracted himself with looking at Louis’ outfit in what was hopefully a cool and professional manner. He was wearing a fairly form fitting scoop neck that normally would have Nick wanting to sit and drool a bit over him, but Nick also knew that Louis was uncomfortable with wearing more form-fitting shirts without layers. 

Harry finally settled down and Liam motioned to Nick to get going. 

“Alright. Here we go,” Nick said, and it was like strings were pulled taut on all of the boys. They all sat up a little from their slouched and exhausted positions and Nick watched as their professional masks fell into place. It was something he saw often, but he never really got used to it. “Welcome everyone! As I’m sure you know, we have One Direction here right now. Say hiyaaaaaa.”

The guys all waved at various cameras and said hi as a chorus, but Louis rolled his eyes before slumping over in his chair. He was separated from Harry, and Nick just  _ knew _ that didn’t bode well.

“You lads are so busy, I’m well chuffed you even found the time to come on in here for little old me,” Nick said, smiling and trying to kick things off with what he saw as his self-deprecating charm. 

Nick heard a little snort and found Louis situating himself in his chair so his entire body was turned to the side. Or, as much as it could be in one of the film director chairs they were seated in. 

“We love coming in to Radio 1,” Niall said, smiling and trying to move himself in his chair as well. Nick assumed it was an attempt to get comfortable after a long day of interviews, but then he saw how Niall’s knee hit Louis’ back. Maybe it wasn’t so innocent after all. “We always have a laugh.”

Nick smiled and kept the conversation up before looking down at his notecards and wincing. “You know what we should do?” he suggested before putting the cards back down into his lap “Instead of jumping right into questions and talking about the obvious album you have coming out soon-”

“Midnight Memories! Out next week,” Harry interjected and making Liam and Zayn laugh and shove him a little. 

“Yes, Harold, thank you so much for the reminder. I’d forgotten,” Nick said as dry as he could. “So instead of all of that, I want to know what questions you’ve been answering today that you’d rather not hear ever again.”

“Ooh, that’s a good one,” Zayn said, nodding a little. “I’d rather not talk about what I miss from home. Been asked a lot about that today.”

“Oh, yeah, or how nice it is to be back,” Niall said, twisting in his seat a little to look behind him. “Of course it’s nice, it’s been months and we missed it, but saying it over and over makes me feel like it’s not genuine.”

“What question we’d rather not hear would be a good one to not have to answer again,” Louis said, tone sharp enough it made the others go quiet and look at him for a moment before Liam started laughing uncomfortably.

“That’ll need to be cut,” a member of their team said from behind Grimmy and he heard Liam mutter a soft, “Yep.”

“Right right, well those seem easy enough to avoid,” Nick said, looking at Louis a little confused. Louis had said he was tired and it made sense, but why was he snapping so harshly at Nick? They couldn’t let on that they were friends or knew each other well, but right now Nick felt like Louis couldn’t even stand the sight of him.

And the interview continued like that. Louis only answered one more question in a way that would need to be cut, but he was constantly sitting there mimicking Nick and trying to distract the others from Nick’s question with pointless asides. It was ruining what could have been at least a somewhat enjoyable interview and Nick was quickly going from annoyed and frustrated to full on pissed off.

“Alright, and that’s all I’ve got for you today,” Nick said, his smile tight and not anything close to his usual when he had guests on the show. He loved doing interviews, but today had been trying beyond anything he could have expected. He heard what he thought was a whispered, “Thank fuck,” but he couldn’t be sure. 

Taking a deep breath, Nick said, “Thank you so much for coming and talking to me today. If you don’t mind I’d like to get some photos with you for the Twitter and such.”

Louis sighed, but didn’t say anything else and the others agreed easily even while their management was making signs to his watch and muttering unhappily.

“We need to be gone in two minutes, so that’s all the time you’ve got,” the man in a suit said, and Nick nodded in understanding. At this point, he wanted them out of there as soon as possible anyway. He’d not slept well last night and now Louis had come in deciding to be a complete twat. It wasn’t exactly how he liked to spend his afternoon either.

They piled into the space and Nick took a round of ridiculous selfies with the lot of them, finally turning the camera over to Niall and then Fiona to take a few quickly before all of them yelled thank yous and goodbyes over their shoulder and ten seconds later, the room was empty and silent except for Nick.

What the fuck had just happened?

Nick collapsed on the bench and groaned as he leaned over, his head in his hands. He had been nervous but so excited, and he didn’t know if he had more than five minutes of the interview that could be used. Their fans were going to come after him for sure. Or, well. More than usual. Especially after Louis’ antics. He was not looking forward to tomorrow.

Walking back to where they’d done the interview, Nick steeled himself for having to talk with producer Liam and Fiona. Fifi especially. He knew she wouldn’t keep quiet about what had happened and he really didn’t want to talk about it right now.

Nick eased the door open and for the most part, everyone kept working. He walked over to where his coat and bag were at the table and picked up his phone.

For the first time all day, he didn’t have any texts waiting and the only missed call was from his mum. 

It felt ridiculous, but that of all things was what irked Nick most in that moment. That Louis had been demanding Nick’s attention all fucking day and then he’d come in, acting like a total knob, and left with radio silence. Nick hadn’t done anything to deserve that kind of treatment and he didn’t even have anyone he could vent to about it because it was a big fucking secret.

Nick groaned inwardly and shook his head at himself. He wasn’t upset over their relationship - no,  _ friendship _ \- being a secret. That made sense to him and he got it. He was upset that he was working so damn hard to make sure that he was doing everything right and he was being treated like shit professionally after all of that.

“We’re going to have to cut a lot of that for the video,” Fiona said quietly after making her way over to him. He knew she could tell he was upset and was trying to ease him into the conversation. 

“I know,” Nick said, rolling his eyes. The worst part of all of this was he felt like it was his fault, and it really wasn’t. What a mess. “I’m sorry, Fifi.”

Fiona stayed quiet and looked over her shoulder at producer Liam. “You alright?”

Nick took a deep breath, pasted on a smile, and looked back at his friend. “Of course I am. Used to working with popstars, aren’t I?”

Fiona hummed before taking a step back. “We’re going to have to be more careful of the Tomlinson thing later you know,” she warned. “It can’t continue, alright? So don’t take to Twitter or Snapchat or anything.”

“I won’t, I’m not an amateur,” Nick griped. 

Fiona reached out for a hug, which Nick granted her. He was glad for it. It was nice to feel cared about by someone simply because.

“Get home, eat, get some rest. Maybe talk to your boy about keeping things in line or something,” she said with a wink.

Nick’s blood ran cold. His boy? She wasn’t thinking… How could she? After everything that had just happened, what could have made her think there was anything even friendly between him and Louis? And now she was calling him  _ his? _

“Oh my God, don’t burst a blood vessel,” she said, rolling her eyes and walking back to Liam. “I know you and Harry are just friends, I was only teasing.”

Oh, Harry. Right. 

“I could score a hot popstar boyfriend if I wanted to,” Nick argued, just for the hell of it. He needed something to lighten his mood anyway. And he didn’t want Fiona actually worrying about him.

“I’m sure you could,” she said, laughing. “Now go on, get yourself some good curry and go to bed at six.”

“God, I just might,” Nick said, feeling the exhaustion seeping into him now. It was slowly taking over and he was ready to give into it.

So he did. He went home, ordered some Chinese, and fell asleep before he could even eat it.

It was both welcome and not when he was woken by a phone call several hours later.

“I hate you,” Nick said into the phone without having checked it. He felt awful since he’d dozed off on the sofa. He was too old for that kind of behavior without repercussions, unfortunately.  Maybe he really should put his food in the fridge and get to bed. “What time is it?”

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have called this late. It’s near ten. I didn’t realise how late it was.”

“Louis,” Nick said, feeling wide awake now that he’s heard the voice of the person he’d been waiting to hear from. As he sat up, he couldn’t help wincing at the pain in his back. “Fuck you, by the way.”

“I said sorry for calling so late,” Louis said, his voice raspy and all too familiar. Nick almost wished it wasn’t at this point, but too late for that. Life lessons and all that.

“That’s not why I’m so mad, dickhead,” Nick said, feeling his anger from earlier rushing through him again. “What the hell was up with you during the interview? I get you being tired and all that, but you were a right twat.”

“Oh, fuck off, I was not,” Louis argued, but Nick stopped him before he could continue.

“You really were, mate,” Nick shot back quickly. “Fifi said I should talk to Harry about keeping you in line, it was so bad. They aren’t sure there’s going to be much usable video after that, with how much you were mocking me. Though, at least that was mostly quiet. At least some of the audio can be used during the show. This is my job and your behaviour - which was out of nowhere, by the way - could have messed with that.”

Louis was quiet when Nick stopped for a breath.

“What, going to give me radio silence during a phone call as well?” Nick asked, all of his confusion and frustration continuing to make its way out. He usually tried to hold back, especially when he knew that Louis had had a hard day, but he deserved respect as well. He was going to fight for it if he had to. “You were blowing up my phone before the interview and couldn’t even manage a ‘fuck off’ or ‘sorry’ afterwards and now you’re just going quiet again?”

“I’m sorry,” Louis said quietly.

And was he… was he crying? It sounded like Louis was trying to hold back the sounds of ragged breath, but Nick sadly had enough experience listening to Louis cry on the phone to know what it sounded like. It just usually wasn’t his own fault.

“Fuck,” Nick said, scrubbing his face with his free hand. “I’m sorry, alright? I didn’t mean to come off quite so harshly-”

“No, I deserved it,” Louis said, taking a choppy breath in before blowing it right into his phone’s receiver. “I mean, I was having a shitty day, but I really didn’t take into account what it meant for you and I should have. I’m sorry.”

“What caused you to break like that?” Nick asked. He hadn’t meant to soften to Louis already, but he was genuinely curious. “I’ve seen you in other interviews that were far worse and you held it together better than you did today.”

“God, it was any number of things, but I am sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Nick said quietly.

“It’s not, though,” Louis whispered back, taking another deep breath and this time sounding like it wasn’t quite so difficult. “I shouldn’t ever have treated you like that.”

“Why did you, then?” Nick asked. “Can you explain why?”

“I don’t really want to,” Louis said, groaning a little. “They want me to be careful with how I move and shit and apparently I wasn’t doing well enough with that earlier, so I got an earful. Then I saw how you and Harry were and it annoyed me, I guess, and knew that I had to hide even more than usual since no one knows we know each other and it was just. I took it to the extreme when I really shouldn’t have.”

“Saw how me and Harry were?” Nick repeated, small smile growing on his face. “Oooh, did my having all of Harry’s attention make you jealous?”

“Shut up, God,” Louis bit back, but Nick knew he didn’t mean it.

“You  _ were _ jealous! Fuck, that’s hysterical,” Nick said, laughing. “Love, you know you have almost all of Harry’s attention anyway, right? Like the entire reason he came over to me was to tell me to take it easy on you because you’d had a rough day.”

Louis was quiet after that, even the sounds of his shifting around stopped. “He did?”

“Yep.” 

As the silence dragged on, Nick rubbed at his chest. Every time lately that Louis had mentioned Harry - especially in relation to jealousy or what Louis wanted from Harry and a relationship - that strange niggling had started to bother him. It hadn’t hit him earlier, but now that things were sinking in, there it was again. 

“Fuck,” Louis muttered, pulling Nick back to their conversation. “And then I went and acted even worse, I’m such a dickhead,” Louis muttered.

“Hey, you’re not all bad,” Nick said, smiling a little more. “You looked well fit in that snug top and tight jeans.”

“God, they’re so tight all the time,” Louis whined, sounding more like himself than he had all day. “I never feel fully comfortable in them and they keep making them tighter and tighter.”

“Well I appreciated it, even if you didn’t, and I’m sure Harry did as well,” Nick teased.

Louis chuckled a little then. “Hope so. At least make it all worth it, yeah?”

“Absolutely,” Nick agreed, yawning. His anger had left him even more exhausted than he was before. “I’m going to get into bed for real now, love. I’m just an old nan and all, need my beauty rest.”

“Yeah, you were looking rough earlier. Should maybe get some under eye treatments and such to help you not look so aged.”

Nick gasped. “I looked fucking stunning today, thank you very much!”

“That you did, I was only messing,” Louis soothed, voice finally sounding cheerful for the first time all day. “Get to bed. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Yeah, don’t text the entire show, please,” Nick said as he took the food into the kitchen. “My phone nearly died on the way home today and I’d rather not have to cart my charger around with me all the time.”

“You should get one of those extended batteries,” Louis said, yawning into the phone and causing Nick to as well. “They work great.”

“I’m sure, but I’m not as popular as you so I’d rather be like the rest of the common folk and just use my phone a normal amount instead, thanks.” Yawning again, Nick closed the refrigerator and said, “Now we’re just yawning at each other. You get in bed as well and we’ll talk in the morning, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Louis agreed and Nick could hear him moving around again. “Sleep well.”

“You too, love.”

 

*~~***~~*

 

**December 2013 (1 Year, 5 Months Before)**

_ L: Harry is going to drive me mad _

Nick snorted to himself. It was the night of Louis’ birthday party - the one just for close friends, not their massive public one that happened a few weeks ago - and Harry had apparently gone above and beyond. For someone like Louis who loved attention and celebrating himself, Nick didn’t see how that was an issue.  _ Especially  _ because it was Harry. 

_ Nick: Drive you so mad you finally give him a good snog? _

Sighing to himself and going back to picking out his outfit for the New Year’s party with Rita, Nick did for a moment feel disappointed he couldn’t be there to celebrate with Louis. Especially because earlier that day he had shared that he’d come out to his mum and she’d taken it well. Nick was so happy for him and so proud, and all he wanted to do was give Louis a hug. That would have to wait.

It was okay, though. Who needed a quick snog with a beautiful but closeted boy bander at midnight when he could easily get a nice, chaste kiss with a friend that everyone knew meant absolutely nothing? Well, the kiss with Louis would mean absolutely nothing as well, because he was just a stand-in for Harry. A means to an end. Nothing that had happened between them meant anything. Even if Nick sometimes wondered if maybe, occasionally, it kind of did.

Nick had already determined that if Louis texted him tonight during his own birthday party thrown by the man of his dreams, then Nick would be the best wingman who had ever winged. Or however he should say it. He’d be the best. Even if it made that annoying pain in his chest flare up again.

_ L: You can’t just say shit like that!!! _ _   
_ _ L: What if someone saw? _

As he slowly worked the buttons of his new silk shirt through the holes, he considered how to reply. 

_ Nick: It’s not like I named names and if someone saw you could just play it off as a joke. I was talking about you going mad, after all. _

Louis wasn’t usually so pressed about such things, but Nick could tell he was particularly riled about something tonight. He just couldn’t figure out what it was. It was New Year’s Eve and he was celebrating his birthday with his best mates. Where was the issue?

_ L: Whatever. But I’m not going to snog him even if he stops being a knob _

Louis kept saying that and he kept pushing back when he was going to talk to Harry. The fact of the matter was his original complaints no longer fit. He was fairly secure in his sexuality now and while he might  _ like _ more experience, he and Nick had done fairly well for themselves over the past year or so. They’d tried all sorts of various options and Louis had learned his preferences as well as what he was still open to with a man. Nick suspected Louis was just putting it off now because he was scared of Harry’s reaction.

The fear was valid, but he also couldn’t hide it for much longer. Nick was going to be the one going mad if he did.

_ Nick: Listen, Lou _ _   
_ _ Nick: You’ve got to just do it, yeah? _ _   
_ __ Nick: Not necessarily with a snog, but it’s time to talk to him about it, love. 

There wasn’t an immediate reply that time, which was fine. Really. It was. Nick was sure Louis would reply eventually. After all, he  _ was _ at a party and it was a party all for him, so it wouldn’t do for him to be on his phone the whole time.

Nick finally finished getting ready and headed out to his own party, hoping the drink would be great and the distraction everything he needed.

It wasn’t much past eleven when his phone finally vibrated again. He had assumed he wouldn’t be hearing from Louis for the rest of the night and had drank accordingly. He was possibly too drunk to be dealing with the messages, but against his better judgement he read them anyway. 

_ L: I’m rather upset with you _ _   
_ _ L: Just so you know _

Nick scrunched his nose up in confusion. Why was he upset? Nick hadn’t said anything out of line or even anything new. 

_ Nick: And why’s that? _

Louis typed for long enough without sending anything that Nick had gotten distracted talking to Pixie by the time his phone vibrated again. He glanced at the screen and immediately opened the message.

“Okay, who are you talking to that’s not here?” Pixie asked, leaning into Nick’s space on the couch and trying to grab his phone from him. “Is there a new boy in the life of Grimmy that we’ve not met or heard about?”

“What?” Nick asked, batting at her arms to keep his phone safe. This was exactly the reason why he’d not put Louis’ full first name into his phone. His friends were all entirely too curious for their own good, especially when they’d been drinking. “No, of course not. It’s just someone who had a different party to attend, you know how that goes.”

“Fine. I’m bored. I’m going to get another drink.” And then Pixie stood up and made it a whole three paces away before she was dragged to the makeshift dance floor.

Confident she wouldn’t be coming back anytime too soon and that no one was looking to interrupt him immediately, Nick turned back to his phone.

_ L: Because how the hell are you so sure “it’s time”? Isn’t that up to me to decide? I don’t think I’m ready, so I’m not fucking ready and you shouldn’t pressure me _

Nick groaned and scrubbed at his eyes. He really shouldn’t have had that last cocktail Pixie had made for him. It was entirely too heavy on the rum for his liking anyway and now his eyes were nearly crossing just to get the right letters.

_ Nick: I’m not trying to pressure you _ _   
_ _ Nick: I just feel like it’s been long enough and that you’ve worked through most of why you didn’t want to _ _   
_ __ Nick: I thought I was being a good wingman and building up your courage to do it or summat

Louis immediately started texting back, so Nick didn’t bother locking his phone. 

When had things gotten to be like this? Nick had always been rather attached to his phone, even during dinner parties or nights out with his friends. But here he was, on bloody New Year’s Eve of all nights, sitting on a couch in the corner, watching all of his friends have a good time while he had a bit of a spat with a boy  _ he wasn’t even seeing _ via text. What a way to ring out the year.

_ L: Well you weren’t _ _   
_ _ L: I didn’t want you to do that _ _   
_ _ L: I’m not fucking ready so I’m not gonna do it _ _   
_ __ L: I don’t want to get turned down at my fucking birthday party

_ Nick: But who says he’s going to turn you down?? I don’t think he will _

_ L: But you don’t know for sure _

Groaning, Nick looked around and was glad for the loud music. He was getting so frustrated and his brain was swimming a little bit. He wasn’t even sure if he was typing as well as he thought he was, but apparently he was doing well enough to get his point across if Louis was still arguing with him. 

_ Nick: Of course I don’t know for sure, that’s part of the dating game _ _   
_ _ Nick: Eventually, though, you’re going to have to tell him if you want any chance at your happily ever after _

Nick locked his phone when he saw Louis wasn’t showing as online in WhatsApp anymore and realised how thirsty he was. His head was starting to pound a little already, probably thanks to the sugar-filled drinks earlier, so he stood up and wobbled his way to the kitchen. He felt a bit more sober overall than he had before, but his body wasn’t quite in line with that yet. He needed water and lots of it if his old man, almost thirty-year-old body wanted any hope of waking up tomorrow without a horrific hangover.

Pulling a bottled water out of the cooler, Nick leaned against the counter and drank almost the entire thing, dribbling some on his shirt. At least it was just water and not the pink monstrosity from earlier. Actually, now that Nick looked closer, it seemed he’d spilled some of that as well without even noticing.

_ L: What if I don’t, though? _ _   
_ _ L: What if I decide I’m just never gonna tell him and let him think I’m straight for the rest of my life? _

Nick stared at his phone, unsure why they were even fighting about this.

_ Nick: What? Why would you want to do that? _   
_ Nick: I mean, you can, but I don’t understand why you’d want to if you don’t have to, you know? _

Louis was so confusing. There he was, one of the lucky ones who was surrounded by friends that Nick was a hundred percent positive would support him and love him anyway. His family would be the same too, if Jay’s reaction to the news was anything to go by. Louis had been so happy, elated really, when he’d finally sat down to tell her.

Oh. Right. He’d only just told his mum a few days ago. Maybe Louis wasn’t so ready to go through the fear of coming out again so soon. That made sense. But if that was the case, why was he fighting Nick and talking about never coming out to Harry ever? Harry, who was queer himself. Harry, who would absolutely happily accept Louis, no matter how he identified. There had to be some reason, but Nick felt like it was more than just fear. Coming out was scary no matter who you were coming out to, but this felt like something more.

_ L: Because then at least it would be my choice and you’d be the only one to ever know.  _ _   
_ _ L: Then again, you’re right. You’re too big a liability. You’d tell someone at some point. _

Nick gasped and made a face at his phone. What the hell? He kept secrets better than most people, but just because he liked a gossip he had a bad name. His real friends knew, though, that unless told it was okay to share the information with others, his lips were sealed. 

_ Nick: You might be angry with me for some reason I still don’t understand right now, but that gives you zero right to say that kind of shit to me. _ _   
_ _ Nick: I’ve kept your secret from everyone, including one of my best friends who is your bandmate and the supposed apple of your eye, by the way! I’ve known about your crush and fuck all to do with your sexuality for almost two years now and I haven’t even told my mum _ _   
_ __ Nick: I just wanted to be a good mate and try to get you to finally talk to Harry. Sorry that wasn’t what you wanted. I’m going to let myself enjoy this party now, though, since you’re just saying shit to get me mad. Happy fucking belated birthday and Happy New Year

Nick shoved his phone back into his pocket and did his best to ignore it when he felt it vibrating right away. He grabbed another water, drank some more, and looked for Rita. She could always help him feel better.

“Grim!” Rita shouted as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He should have known he’d find her on the dance floor. “Where have you been, love? I missed you! You were supposed to be my date and ev’rything.”

Rita pouted at him and had to try three times to flip her hair over her shoulder before she finally succeeded.

“I know, I just wasn’t feeling it much,” Nick said as an excuse. She’d commented on how he had seemed off when they were in the car on the way over, so he knew she wouldn’t think much of it. Especially in her intoxicated state.

Patting his cheek a bit rougher than she probably realised, Rita stuck out her bottom lip in sympathy and then began to fall into him. Her heels were too high for her to find her balance again easily, leaving Nick to catch her before she toppled over completely.

“Rita, love, I think we maybe need to get you home, hmm?”

“You’re never one to end a night this early,” Rita said, pulling back and looking at him shrewdly. “If we go home, you won’t be able to put on any of my dresses or shoes tonight. I want to go to yours.”

Nick rolled his eyes. “I don’t do that every time I’m upset, you know,” he argued before starting to move her towards the room holding their winter layers. “Call a car, I’ll get our jackets.”

It was only when Nick plugged his phone into the charger, Rita snoring beside him, that he saw it was almost one. 

He’d missed midnight and hadn’t even gotten a sloppy snog from Rita to celebrate. Happy New Year indeed.


	4. 2014 part 1

**January 2014 (1 Year, 4 Months Before)**

It took another week for Louis to try to send more than just a pathetic apology text. He’d shown up at Nick’s door with a large bag of food on the okay list for Nick’s current January detox diet, and that had been the only reason Nick had let Louis in. 

They never had really talked over their fight, but it had been almost three weeks now and things felt fairly normal again, so he hoped they were alright. At this point he was ready to just sweep it all under the rug and let it go. It wasn’t worth hanging onto. Plus, he thought he had the perfect thing to smooth things over between the two of them.

_ L: If I go to the chippy, will it cause issues for you since you’d probably smell it on me? _

Nick stared at his phone as he kept stirring the tofu and vegetables he was cooking. He couldn’t believe Louis was even  _ mentioning _ that kind of delectable greasy meal. He knew how much Nick was craving it.

_ Nick: I hate you right now _

Tossing the phone onto the counter with a bit more angst than was probably necessary, Nick pursed his lips and kept poking at the tofu, finally deeming it cooked through enough to manage eating.

Food plated up and quickly making himself a tea, Nick unlocked the door before he sat down at his table and stared out into his back garden. Maybe he should try planting something. He could try growing his own veg this year, and then he’d be more excited to eat them since he’d grown them. Maybe.

Then Nick saw the dead plant his mum had given him for Christmas. It was supposed to be a “wee hearty thing that even you can’t kill, Nicholas,” but he had proven her wrong in only a month. Perhaps it was best for him to leave the growing of plants to others.

_ L: I’ll take that as a bad choice _ _   
_ _ L: In that case, I’ll be there soon _

The slightly chewy green beans gave Nick something to gnaw on while he thought about how nonchalant Louis was about coming over. He didn’t even ask anymore, he just assumed it was happening. Nick was happy to let him do so, which was why he’d gone and gotten a key made for him this afternoon. He was a little nervous to give it to Louis, but he also felt like it was time. 

Secretly, he hoped it meant Louis would continue coming over. It usually ended with them in bed, trying something else Louis had been curious about or just Louis wanting to “work on my technique.” It wasn’t like Nick had anything better to do, and the sex really was pretty fantastic. 

Nick could feel himself getting accustomed to it, though. If this continued, he knew that he would get attached. Even more than he already was. It would hurt when Louis left for tour, and it would be even worse when he finally came clean to Harry and they lived their happily ever after, leaving Nick all alone to watch from the outside as yet another one of his friends fell in love and left him behind.

Actually, that was a really great reason not to give him the key. But it was already made now, so he might as well.

“I wasn’t far, hope you don’t mind I got here so fast,” Louis called as he closed the door behind him and kicked off his shoes. “Thanks for leaving the door open for me.”

Without bothering to acknowledge anything Louis had just said, Nick called to him from the kitchen table and said, “What do you think about dogs?”

Louis walked into the kitchen, brushing back the hair flopped onto his forehead. Apparently Harry had been wanting to grow his hair out, but was too scared to do it on his own, so Louis was doing it for moral support as well. Harry’s was slowly turning into a curly mess, but Louis’ was so straight and glossy, Nick always wanted to reach out and touch it. 

“I think they’re great,” Louis said, looking a bit confused. He sat down and snatched a piece of broccoli off of Nick’s plate and popped it into his mouth. “As soon as I’m in our new place, I’m hoping to get one. Lottie said she would care for him while we’re on tour and shit. Why?”

“Just considering one myself is all,” Nick said before pulling his plate away from Louis’ reach and glaring. “You don’t even like veg, leave mine alone.”

Louis rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Did you make enough for me too at least? I gave up chips for you tonight, the least you could do is feed me some of your healthy stuff.”

Nick had cooked for two assuming this was what would happen, but he hadn’t admitted it to himself yet. He kept telling himself he’d reheat it for lunch tomorrow. Underneath it all, he knew, though. 

“I’m glad someone likes my cooking,” Nick said, nodding to the hob. “It’s not bad tonight, though I think I overdid the green beans.”

“I don’t know why you’re like this.” Louis laughed, sounding fond as he grabbed a plate and began to serve himself food. “You’re a fit lad, but you’re always on a diet or something for some reason.”

“Imagine how I’d look if I wasn’t,” Nick argued, pointing his fork at Louis. “I have to work hard for this body, and it’s only going to get harder. I’m almost thirty, you know.”

“Yes, you won’t let me forget, old man,” Louis teased, winking at Nick and flicking his head in an attempt to get his fringe out of his eyes. Nick loved it.

Louis had just gotten word from their stylist that his style for this tour was going to be even more relaxed than it had been last tour. He was allowed to start wearing clothing during their last tour that wasn’t quite so… well… twinky was really the only way Nick could think to describe it. Louis had been ecstatic at first, but a bit less so when he’d seen it was still not anywhere close to his preferred style. This tour, though, Caroline had told him that he would mostly be wearing skinny jeans and band shirts or Vans and Adidas gear. Since then, for their tour promo photoshoots and such, Louis had been wearing more of that style of clothing home from work, and it allowed Nick to admire his body even more than he already used to.

Nick about dropped his fork when he realised he’d just referred to his own home as Louis’ home in his head. That was more than dangerous ground for him to be treading, and he needed to distract himself. Quickly.

“So, I’ve got something for you,” Nick said as Louis continued puttering around the kitchen. “If you want it, I mean. You don’t have to take it if you don’t want to.”

“What’s that?” Louis asked, finally deciding on a hideous pink glittery mug Harry had given him a few years ago. 

Nick dug the key out of his pocket and held it up, waiting for Louis to look his direction. 

Louis had just flipped on the kettle when he turned to look at Nick. His eyebrows shot up, but a smile began to grow and Nick loved that he was the cause of that.

“Is that a key? For here?”

Nodding a bit and shrugging, Nick said, “So, you interested? Then you can let yourself in and I won’t have to keep leaving the door unlocked. Seems unsafe to do that, you know.”

Smirking, Louis shrugged and turned to pull a plate out before dishing some food for himself. “Oh, sure. I guess. I mean, Now I can be one of the elite two thousand who have a key to your flat. Quite the inner circle, really.”

Nick scoffed, but knew Louis was pleased.

Standing up from his partially eaten meal, he walked over to Louis and wrapped his arms around Louis’ waist. There was something about the way Louis seemed so happy to have been offered a key as well as the fact he was giving his regular shag partner a key that had him not wanting to wait for dinner to finish. 

“So,” Nick said lowly. “I assume you came here tonight with something specific you wanted to try, is that right?”

Louis leaned into Nick and tilted his head to the side. Nick both loved and hated how familiar that movement had gotten. The feel of Louis in his arms was a warm weight that he had slowly grown to not just enjoy, but look forward to. This was a dangerous slope he was on, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull away. He always wanted more when the opportunity presented itself, and Louis was coming around enough that Nick felt he could become an addiction.

When Nick nosed up the side of Louis’ neck, goosebumps rose and he groaned when Nick nipped at his earlobe.

“Maybe, yeah.

“Something more than dinner, am I right?” Nick whispered in Louis’ ear, letting one of his hands wander down to tease the front of Louis’ jeans, where he was already getting hard.

“Yeah,” Louis gasped, pushing his arse back into Nick. 

“Well,” Nick said, pulling away from Louis’ body, but taking hold of his wrist. “Think dinner could wait?”

Louis nodded, his long hair falling into his eyes again, but he didn’t bother swiping it to the side this time. 

Without saying anything else, Nick led him to his bedroom. Once he felt Louis’ skin on his and tasted the salt on his collarbones, Nick decided he could allow himself to pretend Louis was his, and he was Louis’. Just for a bit. It would make it hurt more later, but it was a pain he was willing to risk at this point if it meant he could lose himself a little bit more in the man beside him in bed.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**February 2014 (1 Year, 3 Months Before)**

_ L: Please tell me you’re home and you’re alone _

Nick looked around his living room as if someone was going to magically appear. He’d only just gotten home from work and while he was expecting company that night, they weren’t going to be by for at least another four hours.

That said, it had been a week or so since Louis had been by. It felt like ages after all the time they spent together in January and early February, but Louis’ newest siblings had been born early and he’d been home to spend time with his family. He had texted Nick several pictures of the babies while he was gone and told Nick he was returning just yesterday. With the week of rehearsals lost, though, he’d had to spend extra time working and Nick had assumed today would be the same and made plans. If he was wrong, though, he certainly wasn’t going to complain.

_ Nick: I’m home and I’m alone. What’s this about? _

The lock on Nick’s front door opened and he turned around on his couch where he’d been browsing a dog adoption site. He knew by the sound of the shoes hitting the wall it was Louis making use of the key Nick had given him.  

“Alright?” Nick asked in greeting, but when Louis came around the corner, there was steel in his eyes. 

“Just got out of another meeting with updates on how we’d be handling our images on stage this time,” Louis said, anger clear in the clipped tones of his voice. 

His northern accent was even stronger than usual, and Nick was legitimately worried now. He’d never been in the same room as a fuming Louis Tomlinson. Jealous? Sure. Sassy and snippy? Of course. Crying? Unfortunately. But full on angry? No. And he hadn’t really wanted to, either.

“Can you believe that not only are they keeping to all the shit with Niall being the always happy-go-lucky one and all that, but Harry and I are no longer allowed to even interact on stage?”

Louis came out from the kitchen holding a beer that Nick honestly hadn’t even known was in there. Where had Louis found that? It was a Stella and Nick didn’t think he’d bought that brand since it was on discount six months ago.

Then everything Louis had just said set in.

“Hang on,” Nick said, watching Louis take a good swig of the beer and trying not to get distracted by how it made his neck move. Now was not the time. “You’re telling me that you two are in a band together and they just want you to like pretend the other doesn’t exist or something?”

Louis emphatically nodded his head and started pacing the floor. “Yeah, that’s the basic idea. We have all the transitions between parts and all that, right? But not once are Harry or I on stage together while the others aren’t there. And our choreo was finished and adjusted so now we have to relearn shit because he and I like aren’t even able to stand beside each other.”

Scrunching his nose, Nick held up his hand like he was in school. Louis rolled his eyes and flicked him off while he took another angry swig. 

“Are you no longer singing that song where almost an entire verse has you and Harry singing a duet together? What’s it called again? Something about a dress.”

“Oh, no. We’re still singing that.” Louis threw himself down on the couch and then draped his legs over Nick, and it was only then Nick looked at what Louis was wearing. The jeans were so tight, Nick didn’t know how he got them on. “And we’ll still do our duet, in fact we’ll walk down the catwalk during that one. But we aren’t to look at each other or interact. Just walk beside each other while we sing in harmony like the totally straight guys we are.”

“Wow.” It was all Nick could come up with. “What did Harry have to say about it?”

“Oh, he thought it was shit, but I didn’t give him much time to talk before I stormed out and came here.”

Nick blinked. “So the meeting is still going on?”

Shrugging, Louis said, “Yeah, probably. My bailing early might have even made it go a little longer. I just couldn’t stand being in there any longer, you know?”

Nick nodded and massaged Louis’ ankles and calves. “Are you going to be in trouble for this?”

Louis sighed. “Probably.”

They sat in silence and Nick kept trying to calm Louis with his gentle leg massage. It wasn’t much, but he knew that it always felt good for him when he was angry to feel someone working at some of his tight muscles. Hopefully this was the same for Louis.

“It was so hard already with them having me take those sessions to learn how to move and shit so I didn’t look so flamboyant,” Louis said softly, avoiding Nick’s eyes. “Now I can’t even look at my best friend? Or talk to him? We’re with each other all day every day, but heaven forbid we say each other’s name in public.”

“Yeah, it’s all a bit shit, love.”

Louis nodded, then reached for his phone that Nick could hear vibrating. 

“Hey, Haz,” Louis said, watching Nick’s face even as he listened. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I went to a friend’s for a bit to calm down. I’ll be there for rehearsal, but I’m not gonna be going back for the rest of the meeting or anything.”

Louis’ eyes finally met Nick’s, and he felt the energy change in the room. It was like all the tension from earlier had shifted and become something entirely different, something much more welcome. 

Licking his lips, even Louis’ voice sounded a little rougher when he said, “Yeah, thanks for checking up on me. I’ll see you later.”

“How much time do we have?” Nick asked, knowing he and Louis were on the same page. 

“I need to leave in about an hour,” Louis said, sitting up and then moving to straddle Nick. “Plenty of time.”

When their lips met in a kiss that was just as demanding as it was desperate, Nick knew that Louis would likely be late, but it would be entirely worth it.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**March 2014 (1 Year, 2 Months Before)**

Harry was late. He’d insisted on this stupid restaurant that Nick wasn’t sure he was going to like, and now he was over twenty minutes late for their lunch. What Nick did for his friends.

“I’m so sorry, Grimmy,” Harry said, leaning down for a hug before sitting in his seat in a flourish. “I forgot I was meant to wear something for YSL for the pap shoot, so I had to change and it ran long.”

“God,” Nick said, shaking his head. “I hate it when that happens. You’re expected to be wearing Saint-Laurent, and instead you show up in Gucci! The worst.”

“Shut up,” Harry said, laughing. His smile was wide enough to show his dimples, and Nick knew  he was pleased about being teased. “I know it sounds like first world problems or whatever, but I’m serious. I didn’t want to be late.”

“Sure, sure. Life of a popstar and all that.”

“Right,” Harry said, before the waitress came by and took their orders. 

They had a great time gossiping about mutual friends and talking about what they’d been up to since they’d seen each other last, but Nick almost slipped so many times he was getting a bit stressed about it. Louis still wasn’t showing any intention of telling Harry soon despite Nick telling him he really should, and sometimes Nick wanted to just put it out there.

But then it hit him like a ton of bricks at the end of their meal. 

Harry was the one Louis loved. Harry was the one Louis wanted. Harry was the one that eventually would end up with the man that Nick had gotten so used to having around. The man who had warmed his bed and made fun of him about his diets while also going to buy Nick things from the shop, simply because he thought Nick would like it. The man Nick had given a bloody key to his flat to, without even thinking twice about it or the implications of it. He’d just given it away to Louis and it had been the most natural thing in the world, just like all his other friends.

Louis wasn’t anything like his other friends, though, and that’s where Nick’s issue was. Louis had become so much more than just his friend he occasionally had amazing sex with. So much more than just the young, fit popstar who had come to him asking for help in navigating his first gay experiences. 

Looking at himself entirely objectively, Nick knew. He was in entirely too deep with Louis, and he had to stop it. Especially now that he had Harry in front of him for the first time in ages. If he wanted any chance of being able to continue his friendship with Harry, and he really did love Harry just as much as, if not more than, his own siblings, he had to end whatever was happening with Louis  _ now. _ That way, whenever Louis was ready to finally talk with Harry, everything could still turn out okay.

“Grim, did you hear me?” Harry asked, leaning forward and waving his hand. “Wow, you went somewhere else on me there. The early mornings must really be getting to you.”

Nick nodded, taking the excuse that Harry gave him so kindly to explain why he’d spaced out when really he’d been in the middle of a massive existential crisis. 

“Yes, well, not all of us can handle sleep deprivation with the kind of aplomb you do,” Nick said, winking.

“Ooh, look at you using fancy words,” Harry teased, popping a tomato into his mouth. “I really do have to go, though. I’ve got loads of packing left to do before meeting Mum and Gem tonight.”

“Well, thank you for spending some of your last hours at home with such a lowly peasant as myself,” Nick joked, standing up to give Harry a hug. “It really was good to see you.”

“Yeah, same,” Harry said, squeezing Nick tightly before pulling away. 

They parted their ways, and Nick caught the Tube to his flat. 

The band was headed out to some secret location for their tour rehearsals tomorrow and then tour almost immediately after that. Not having Louis around constantly would make it much easier to break it all off with Louis. He’d allow himself one more night to pretend Louis was his, and then that was it. The end. He would wait for Louis to ease back into tour and get into a rhythm with it, get used to being away, and then maybe Nick would say he had gotten a boyfriend or something. See if he could convince Louis to get things figured out with Harry, and then he wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.

Nick let himself into his flat, and looked around confused. Louis had said he had finished his packing and would be there waiting for Nick, but it was empty as far as Nick could tell. 

As he looked around, he saw all the little signs that Louis had been spending more and more time there. There was a ring on Nick’s brand new coffee table already from one of Louis’ numerous mugs of tea. There was always at least one jacket hanging on his coat rack that was too small for Nick and several extra pairs of shoes. Little tidbits that hadn’t meant much at the time, but when he took them all in at once, it made him realize that his flat had felt so much more comfortable with Louis around, and he’d slowly taken over part of it without Nick even noticing.

Nick needed to make sure all of Louis’ stuff went with him when he left in the morning. Assuming he stayed the night, which he might not. 

God, Nick hoped he did, but it would be best if he didn’t. Was Louis even coming by like he’d said he would? If he wasn’t there yet, then maybe Nick wouldn’t even get that last night to bask in Louis’ presence. Would that be better or worse than knowing it was his last chance? His last opportunity with the man he’d been able to watch grow in confidence in so many ways over the past few years? The man he saw was still so unsure of himself in so many ways.

Sighing and pushing those thoughts to the side, Nick headed to his bedroom so he could change into joggers. He deserved to be comfortable as he moped about the not-really-relationship he was going to have to end in order to save himself.

When he walked into his bedroom and flipped the light, Nick froze. The flat wasn’t empty after all. Louis was laying on the bed wearing nothing but one of Nick’s favorite shirts. The silk was spread out beneath him, unbuttoned in order to best show off his entire tan, curvy body, spread out like a gift on Nick’s duvet.

“Was wondering when you’d figure out where I was,” Louis teased, a smirk gracing his entirely too beautiful face. “You going to join me?”

Nick’s resolve only firmed. He was going to let himself enjoy this last night. He’d etch it into his memory so he would never forget it, and then he’d let Louis go.

“Yeah,” Nick said, hearing the desire laced in his own voice. “Yeah, love. I’m joining you.”

 

*~~***~~*

 

**April 2014 (1 Year, 1 Month Before)**

“Grim, your phone keeps going off,” Scott complained from where he was stood by their lockers. 

Nick had dragged him to an early morning cycling class on a Sunday, and for the first time ever, Scott hadn’t bailed on him. Nick was impressed, honestly.

“Who’s messaging you at this hour anyway? It’s ungodly for a Sunday,” Scott teased. “I think you’re the only person I know who’s awake right now.”

“Come off it,” Nick said with a laugh. “It’s probably Rita. Who knows where she is now, but she probably had a fit of inspiration and had to send me all the details immediately.”

Scott laughed along and Nick focused on opening his locker. He was going to get dressed first and then address his phone, but Scott was right. It was settled against the metal enough it made the entire row rattle when it vibrated.

Nick pulled it out, half expecting a call from Eileen or Rita to be blowing up his notifications, but instead it was Louis.

It had been over a month and Nick still hadn’t been able to bring himself to tell Louis he couldn’t be that person for him anymore. It was fine, though. It felt better having some physical space between them, and now the band was in South America, so that really was plenty far away. He just wished that Louis would stop sending him sweaty selfies when he got off the stage. Maybe stop having him come to Nick with his crises over how to do his hair on a rare day off. About whether his flirting was too over the top.

“Hello?” Nick answered warily as he anchored the phone between his ear and his shoulder. He hoped Louis wouldn’t be yelling about as he got off stage or something like he did sometimes last tour. If that were the case, he’d have loads of awkward questions from Scott to answer, and he’d rather avoid those. “Where are you today, love?”

“Colombia,” Louis said, sounding giddy, but also like he was trying to keep himself quiet. “It went so great, Nick. It was so good. I always forget how good it feels to be on stage during the breaks but then I get back on it and it feels so amazing.”

Nick smiled fondly and pulled a top on before answering. “I’m glad. Your job would have been a poor decision if you didn’t enjoy it.”

“I know,” Louis said, sounding pleased. “God, and South America really is amazing.”

“I’ve always been curious to go there,” Nick said, interested. “You’re going to Brazil at some point, right? What’s the big, famous statue there? It’s Jesus, but it’s got a name other than just big, stone Jesus.”

“Christ the Redeemer?” Louis asked, chuckling. Nick heard Scott snort as well, which was a good reminder that Nick wasn’t alone. He’d already forgotten.

“Yes, that’s the one,” Nick said cheerfully, even as he flicked off Scott. “I’m giving you a task to go see Christ the Redeemer and get an epic photo there. Send it to me.”

“Can you imagine us trekking to one of the most famous sites in the entirety of South America, just for a photo for you?” Louis asked, teasingly. “I dunno if you’re worth that, if I’m honest.”

Nick gasped, pausing packing up his gym bag. “Excuse you, I am always worth that.”

“Sure, sure,” Louis agreed, teasingly. “I’ll see what I can do for you.”

“See that you do, thanks,” Nick said, rolling his eyes at Scott and mouthing an apology. “Okay, well I know you’re all rich and famous and all that, but you need some sleep too and I need to stop ignoring my friends I’m actually standing in front of, so I’m going to let you go.”

Nick hoped that was a casual enough way of saying he was with someone so Louis would know he wasn’t just brushing him off. Usually the calls Louis made at this time of day could last hours. That was strange in and of itself, but especially considering how much Nick didn’t like actually speaking on the phone. That and he was trying to wean himself from conversation and contact with Louis anyway. Make it easier to end whatever it is they’d call their arrangement. Right.

“Shit, sorry,” Louis apologised before yawning. “You’re right, though. I need sleep.”

“Mmhmm,” Nick agreed. “I’ll talk to you later. Bye bye bye bye bye.”

“Bye, love,” Louis said on another yawn, and then the line went quiet.

“You and your popstar friends,” Scott teased. “Why don’t I have any popstar friends?”

“Because you’re not nearly as much fun as I am, obviously,” Nick teased.

“That’s a lie,” Scott argued, picking up his bag so they could head out. “You wouldn’t invite me to anything if I were boring, and you know it.”

Nick shrugged and finally conceded. “Okay, yes. You’re right. You’re very interesting. Especially when we get to go to events together and there’s an open bar.”

“That’s right!” Scott said, arms wide. “So again, where are  _ my _ popstar friends?”

“Either hiding in fear cause you got too drunk around them at the last party they attended with you, or you ghosted without saying goodbye or anything after thirty minutes.”

“Rude,” Scott said, looking at his phone for the time. “Rude, and unfortunately entirely correct.”

They had fun chatting until they had to go separate ways. Nick was just getting to his car when Louis sent him another selfie. This time, he was in bed, pouting.

_ L: The air con is shit here and it’s boiling outside. I took a cold shower and I’m still too hot to sleep. _

Shaking his head, Nick quickly typed out his reply. 

_ Nick: Wow, what awful first world problems you’re experiencing, popstar. _

Staring at his screen, he considered also making a comment about Louis being hot all on his own, but ultimately decided against it. While he could be playful and flirtatious with friends where it didn’t mean anything or with someone he really, really wanted, he and Louis were at such a strange state of in between where he was trying to finally pull back, that he really didn’t think it would go over the way he wanted it to.

A slew of pointing emojis came across Nick’s screen and he chuckled before setting his phone back down. 

What would Louis think if he stopped replying to all of his messages? Nick wasn’t sure that was the way he wanted to go, especially considering how hard tour had been last time and how nervous Louis had been leading up to it this time. 

Ultimately, if Louis came to Nick for attention, Nick wasn’t going to be able to say no.

Nick would have to just make sure he was never the one instigating the conversation. If Louis did, fine, but Nick had to start building distance between them somehow and that small step would have to do for starting it.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**May 2014 (1 Year Before)**

Nick stared at his phone and looked around the flat.

It wasn’t empty anymore, which was nice. Nick had gone out and finally adopted a dog the last time Louis had called him because he realised that his flat had been too quiet and he needed change. Change wasn’t going to come in the form of a fit popstar coming by almost daily anymore, so he had to do something about it and he had in the form of the new love of his life, Pig Dog.

Pig was energetic in ways Nick could only hope to be, but at least she helped him keep up a jogging routine. He loved her and adored spoiling her with treats and toys, even if he had a hard time controlling her sometimes when they were at the park. 

She didn’t make up for the lack of texts he was now getting from Louis, though. 

He hated that he wanted Louis to message him so badly, especially when his whole goal was to communicate with Louis less, but something had changed over their last break from tour. 

Or he thought it had. And that was exactly why he needed the space. But now that Louis had stopped instigating conversations so much and Nick was determined not to start them either, his phone had slowly gone more and more quiet. It was what he’d wanted, but he also wasn’t sure how he felt about it now that he had it.

Finally picking it up, he took a photo of Pig and posted it to his Instagram and did a sleepy video with a cute filter on it for Snapchat. Perfect.

It wasn’t enough, though. He wanted feedback. He knew someone he  _ was _ allowed to text that would give it to him.

He snapped a photo and sent it with no explanation to Harry.

_ Young Harold: That’s a mighty fine specimen of a dog you’ve got there, Grimmy _

Smiling, Nick internally fist pumped.

_ Nick: It is, isn’t it? _ _   
_ _ Nick: You know that clothing line I’ve considered doing? I might have to put her face on the front of a jumper or something _ _   
_ __ Nick: It’s what she deserves

Harry doesn’t respond right off, which is fine. They’d already started recording their next album, which seems absolutely ridiculous to Nick, but what does he know? With them burning the candle on both ends, as always, he knew Harry wouldn’t be able to respond immediately all the time. 

Sighing, Nick decided to hurriedly scroll various sites in search of something to talk about on the show in the morning. Why were all his friends always so busy? He used to be busy. He used to have more of a social life. He still did, to an extent, but not nearly like before. Since he couldn’t go out on weeknights anymore, it sure put a damper on things. It had been weeks since he’d even spoken to anyone but Alexa. Pouting, Nick mourned his social life at the expense of his job. It was worth it, he was literally working his dream job right now, but it had been easier to feel happy about it when Louis was still around.

“Fuck it,” Nick said quietly, thumbing back to WhatsApp. He opened the chat with Louis and sent him a similar photo of Pig, caption only a heart.

Once it was sent, Nick’s eyes grew wide. Louis wouldn’t think that heart was for him, would he? He’d assume it was just for Pig dog, because it was. His dog was the only love of his life and probably would remain the only love of his life until the end of his days. That was fine, he could handle it. But he didn’t want Louis to misinterpret it.

Finally realising it was late and he should start his bedtime routine if he wanted his beauty rest for the morning, Nick got up and got ready for bed. His phone didn’t vibrate with an incoming message until he was already tucked in with the lights out, Pig having moved to her doggie bed in Nick’s room. 

Picking it up eagerly, hoping it was Louis, he didn’t want to interpret the feeling of his heart dropping into his stomach when he saw it was Harry.

_ Young Harold: That would be an excellent choice, I would buy seventeen of them at least. _

Rolling his eyes, Nick plugged his phone back in, and rolled over.

By the next morning, Louis still hadn’t replied.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**June 2014 (11 Months Before)**

Nick hadn’t ever imagined he would attend one of One Direction’s shows. He liked the lads well enough, but he wasn’t entirely keen on their music and an entire arena filled with screaming fans wasn’t really Nick’s scene. 

A stadium, however, Nick could try to do. Something about the disbursement of screams into the open air or whatever would certainly be easier on his ears. That and Anne and Robin would be in attendance for the first show at Wembley, along with most of the lads’ families. It was a big deal, having them play in a stadium like that. It was worth a celebration, and Nick always did like a party.

Nick was also a bit nervous, though. Louis hadn’t texted in weeks and since Nick was trying to keep that distance, he hadn’t either. He was a bit worried about Louis, though. The last few texts he’d sent had felt similar to when he was having a hard go of it last year, and if Louis was that bad, Nick didn’t want him pulling back. Tonight would be a good way to try to gauge how he was doing with all the family members and such around. A safe space to observe but not have the danger of them falling into bed together again.

“Grimmy,” Anne called, rushing over and enveloping him in a hug. Just like her son, Anne gave wonderful hugs. They were all softness and warmth and smelled comforting, just like his mum’s.

“Hello, Anne, dear,” Nick said happily as he rocked them in her embrace. “Look at all of this! Can you believe your son is about to go on stage and perform here? Madison Square Garden, Wembley Stadium. What’s next?”

“The world,” Anne said, smile wide and eyes shining. “I haven’t seen you in ages. You sound well when I’m able to catch your show.”

“Oh, I’m worth you switching the channel over, am I?” Nick hugged Gemma, who also came over before she ran off back to the table laden with food. That wasn’t a bad idea, actually.

“Of course you are,” Anne said, smiling and thanking Robin when he came back with a plate for her.

“I’m just going to grab some food while I can,” Nick said, gesturing to where Zayn and his mum were currently getting food. Anne and Robin waved him off and quickly started chatting with someone Nick wasn’t familiar with.

“Grimmy,” Zayn said, smiling. “Nice of you to come tonight.”

“Oh, yes, well you know me. I just  _ have _ to go to the One Direction show when they’re in town. Never miss it,” Nick teased as he picked up a plate. “So what do you have in store for us? Choreographed dance moves? Three hours of yodeling? Possibly some gymnastics?”

“Oh yeah, all of it.” 

“The only gymnastics you’ll see is if it rains and they slip and slide all over the stage,” Gemma said happily before popping a grape in her mouth.

Nick eased his way into the chats with everyone, but as the time passed, he noticed that all of the lads from the band were in the main room with their families except for Louis. Then again, it was fairly late and Harry had made mention of babies earlier. Perhaps Louis’ family was in a quieter room allowing the little ones to sleep until it was time for the concert.

Nick and the rest of the family members followed security down to the area at the end of the catwalk where they were close to the stage. Nick loved having time to chat with Anne. She was like another mum to him and he loved spending time with her.

As time got closer, Louis’ family joined in and Lottie came over to say hi. 

“I’ve been hearing rumours,” Lottie said quietly, a smug smile growing on her face as she studied Nick’s. 

He did his best to keep his expression neutral and relaxed, but his heart rate was definitely spiking. Had Louis told more of his family than just his mum? And what all had he told them, if he had?

“Oh yeah?” Nick asked, trying to act like he wasn’t nervous at all. “What kinds of rumours are those? And aren’t you supposed to be making the popstars beautiful backstage or something?”

“Oh I already did my part, but stop distracting me.” Lottie narrowed her eyes and it was with that one movement that Nick knew she and Louis were definitely siblings. The Tomlinson suspicion was strong and real. “I’ve been hearing rumours that you’re not actually as much of a dick to Louis as everyone seems to think.”

Nick started waving his hands at her, pulling her close and covering her mouth with his hands as he pretended to look all around for people who might be listening in. “Lottie! You can’t just say shit like that! Everyone is listening and you’ll blow my cover.”

Lottie pushed him again, laughing and swatting at him. “Shut up. If you ruined my lippy, I’m going to be mad.”

“It looks perfect, love,” Nick said quickly. “Honestly though, where did you hear those supposed rumours?”

Lottie shrugged and smirked a little more. “You know how it is with hairstylists. People tell them things.”

“Well,” Nick said, sniffing a little and breaking a smile. “I do  _ try _ not to be a dickhead in general, you know. Most people seem to think I’m alright.”

The lights dimmed and the screens on stage lit up, loud music playing over the speakers, effectively ending their conversation. As a ridiculous video played, showing the boys in all sorts of footie and American football kits representing the different places they’d be playing for this tour, Nick thought over his chat with Lottie.

She’d been there for some of the events Nick had attended and even at one or two of the interviews he’d done, but he had never actually spoken with her. He’d never needed to and she’d not ever approached him. The rumour of Nick not actually hating Louis though… that was interesting. He hoped it meant that the band members didn’t actually think they hated each other anymore. They might not know the two of them are friends or even  _ friendly,  _ but at this point improvement was improvement.

The video ended and the screams got even louder as the five lads walked out on stage. Nick had fun with Gemma and Anne, screaming at the top of their lungs and cheering just as hard as any of the others in the audience. Whenever a song Nick actually knew was sung, he’d sing along with all his poor-pitched energy. He knew he was awful, but he also didn’t give a damn. He was seeing his friend’s band perform for the first time, he was going to enjoy himself.

It was only about three songs in before Nick calmed down a little more and started watching Louis closer. Something was off with him. He was barely moving around the stage. He’d seen videos of him performing before, even if it wasn’t in person at a live concert, and Louis was lively. He was energetic and looked like he had never lived quite as fully as he did right in that moment, but that wasn’t the Louis he was seeing tonight.

“What’s wrong?” Gemma asked when she realised he was frowning at the stage. “You’re going to get wrinkles if you keep glaring at them like that.”

Nick gasped. “Take that back! I will not get wrinkles.” Pouting, Nick felt at the skin by his eyes and the corners of his mouth. “And I wasn’t glaring. I’m just confused.”

Gemma shot him a look that clearly read  _ weirdo _ and asked, “Confused about what? It’s a concert. They’re singing their songs.”

“About Louis,” Nick said, pointing to the lad who had his arms behind his back and was barely swaying from side to side as he sang into the microphone stands where they were at the moment. “Is he ill? I’ve seen them perform and he’s not acting like himself.”

Gemma shrugged. “Dunno. Maybe.”

Nick didn’t like the answer. He was certain that it was more than that. He wondered if the way they told him to shut down on whatever it was that was bothering them in the first place was to avoid moving when possible. If so, Nick was going to give someone a stern talking to.

Or, he would when people knew that he and Louis talked. And were friends. Who sometimes shagged. Fuck.

Nick tried to focus on Harry, who was obviously hamming it up even more than usual for his family and friends who had come, and thanks to Anne and Gemma, Nick really did have a very fun time. He couldn’t help looking over at Louis and wondering if it was illness or if it was what he suspected it to be.

When the concert ended, Nick headed back to the dressing rooms with the rest of them, but he could feel his body shutting down on him. He rarely stayed up this late anymore, especially while drinking, and he could feel the toll it was having on him. Between that and dancing, Nick knew he needed to do more cardio. It had been a long time since he’d felt this tired.

“Young Harold!” Nick yelled, making Harry and Niall both turn to look at him. He could hear Niall’s laugh echoing down the hallway as Harry skipped towards him and wrapped him in a sweaty and disgusting hug. “Eew, you are  _ incredibly _ gross. Get off of me.”

Harry let out a cackle, but did as Nick asked. His already sweaty shirt was now even worse off than it had been before. Rude.

“I’m so glad you were able to come tonight, mate. I know this isn’t really your scene.”

Nick fondly punched at Harry, making him laugh loudly again, and said, “Of course. You’re my mate and I like to be supportive of my mates when I can. Besides, Wembley is massive. I’m quite proud of you.”

“Awwwwww,” Harry cooed, going in for another hug. 

This time, Nick didn’t deny him. He liked hugs well enough, even if they came from sweaty popstars. He just wished that maybe he could also get one from a  _ different _ sweaty popstar. It didn’t seem to be in the cards, though. Maybe it would be later. They were in London for three days after all before gallivanting off again.

“I do need to be going, though. I’m an old man now, you know.”

He and Harry talked for another fifteen minutes before Nick finally dragged himself away. 

By that time, things had cleared up enough outside the stadium that Nick was glad to be able to find the car he’d ordered easily. As he settled down, he kept hoping that maybe Louis would text. Maybe he’d say he’d seen Nick in the audience, ask how they’d done, anything.

His phone went off several times that night. Not once was it because of Louis.


	5. 2014 part 2

**July 2014 (10 Months Before)**

Nick startled awake when he heard his front door open. He’d somehow fallen asleep cuddling Pig on the couch and now had an awful crick in his neck. 

Not that that mattered now. Pig had scrambled out of his arms and was barking like mad from where she was stood, bouncing with the force, all while staying in the living room. It was incredibly late at night too, based on how dark it was and how stiff his back felt after laying on the couch for that long. 

His sleep foggy brain was trying to process all of this when it finally hit him that he definitely had no idea who had just come into his flat.

“Pig, hush,” Nick commanded as he forced himself off the couch. “Stop it, we don’t want to wake the neighbours, do we?”

“Is that your biggest worry when someone unexpected shows up at your flat past eleven at night?”

“Louis?” Nick asked, confused. Was Louis even in town? Nick hadn’t thought he was, but he was there, wasn’t he? “Louis, what are you doing here?”

Louis appeared around the corner, wearing only a ratty t-shirt and cut off joggers, and Nick felt the worry he’d been pushing aside for months flare back up again.

Haggard was the best word Nick could come up with to describe how Louis looked. The scruff he was currently growing only accented the dark circles and slightly unkempt long hair that combined to make him look rough and exhausted, like he might collapse at any moment.

Scrubbing at his face, Louis said, “I need someplace familiar. Just for the night. I hope you don’t mind.”

Nick walked up to him and finally wrapped him in a hug. He’d been aching to give Louis one ever since he’d seen how he was on stage last month, and he definitely wasn’t going to hold back with Louis looking so worn down right in front of him. 

“Of course I don’t mind,” Nick mumbled, feeling Louis relax in his arms. “You’re always welcome here.”

There was so much more Nick wanted to say. He wanted to ask how Louis had been doing. How he’d been sleeping.  _ If  _ he’d been sleeping. Whether he’d told Harry and the lads about his sexuality yet. If he’d talked to the rest of his family yet or if his mum was the only one outside of Nick who had a clue. He wanted to know how pushy everyone was being about his body language on stage, and his beard, and how recording was going for the new album. He wanted to know everything that was going on in Louis’ life. 

But mostly, he wanted to know if Louis had missed him at all. 

Nick didn’t ask any of that, though. Now was not the time. Maybe in the morning, when Louis had gotten some decent rest in a bed that wasn’t a hotel room and looked like he could handle a bit more of a conversation.

“Thanks,” Louis mumbled into Nick’s shoulder. “We’ve gotten so much work done on the new house it doesn’t feel like mine anymore and if I only have one night in London, I wanted it to be somewhere I recognise and feel comfortable.”

“Makes sense,” Nick said, ushering Louis to his room while he silently preened. “Do you have any of your stuff with you?”

“No,” Louis said, sitting on the bed and immediately pulling off his socks before standing up to remove his joggers. “I hoped you’d let me use the extra toothbrush and lend me a top or something.”

“‘Course,” Nick said softly. “Go ahead and brush your teeth, wash your face, all that. I’ll set out a top for you while you do.”

“Thanks, Grimmy,” Louis said softly, walking by and pressing a soft kiss to Nick’s cheek as he walked past. 

“Grimmy?” Nick asked, watching Louis walk to the bathroom. “You never call me that.”

Louis shrugged and looked at him. “You said your friends all call you that when we first started this,” he said through the toothpaste already foaming in his mouth. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

Nick gave him a wan smile before turning to pull out a top for him. 

“Yeah,” he finally agreed. “We’re friends.”

Once Nick had changed into a comfortable pair of joggers to sleep in, Louis was done in the bathroom, so they traded places. 

Nick took out his contacts, but he couldn’t help hearing  _ Grimmy _ being said on repeat in Louis’ voice. Louis had never once called him that before. The fact that he had done so now really wasn’t sitting well with Nick. At first Louis’ resistance to doing so had merely struck him as a funny quirk and bothered him. It felt like Louis was purposefully trying to remain a stranger instead of someone closer to him, but over time he’d gotten used to it. He was almost fond of the way that Louis regularly called him Nick or Nicholas, now. He didn’t  _ want _ Louis to suddenly change and call him Grimmy.

Did it mean something? Nick had been wanting to end whatever had been going on with them for awhile in order to protect himself, but was Louis already doing that? Was this Louis’ way of creating space between the two of them? If that was the reason behind it, then why had he even shown up tonight? Was Nick simply overthinking all of this? There was a reason he didn’t stay up late anymore. His mind worked at half speed while going into overdrive and the end result was not pretty.

By the time Nick had finished preparing for bed and returned to his room, he found Louis already sound asleep in bed, Pig cuddled up beside him.

Pig knew she wasn’t allowed in his bed, but just this once Nick couldn’t bring himself to disturb her. He shut off the lights, climbed in to join them, and slept the best he had in weeks.

In the morning, Nick woke up to his alarm blaring, and he hurriedly shut it off before it woke Louis too. Hearing rustling in the sheets, he turned to whisper his apology to Louis, only to find that the sound was caused by Pig, and Louis wasn’t there. Reaching over, he felt some remaining warmth, but it was mostly cold.

“Lou?” Nick called out, already somehow knowing that Louis wasn’t there. As he waited for a response, there wasn’t one and his flat remained silent. 

Padding out to see if his shoes were still by the door, Nick saw a bright yellow piece of paper sitting on the end table by his couch.

_ Grimmy -  _

_ Didn’t want to wake you when you have to be up soon anyways, but thanks for letting me come by unexpectedly. Your bed always was more comfortable than my own. _

_ Had to leave early for mum’s wedding. Still loads to do and prepare for, especially with the little ones. _

_ I’m sorry I haven’t been texting much. I’ll work on doing better with it for you, promise. _

_ Miss you. _

Nick tossed the paper aside before immediately picking it up and reading it over again. 

Louis missed him.

Fighting back the stupid smile that had grown just knowing that Louis had actually missed him, he thought more about the wedding. He didn’t know much about it and had forgotten it was even happening, to be honest. Louis had mentioned it in passing back when the twins had been born, but hadn’t really heard anything since. He was glad that it seemed the lads had enough time off to be able to attend. He was sure Jay had planned it that way on purpose, but still. It was nice.

It was also nice having Louis to himself for another night. Nick had never experienced the kind of ease that came with Louis staying with him. Whenever any of his exes had stayed the night, or even any of his girlfriends, he could never sleep well. It didn’t matter how often it happened. He tossed and turned, never able to get comfortable with the feel of another person in his bed with him. 

Now, with Louis, he wanted him there. He slept better with his weight and warmth beside him. 

Sighing, Nick forced himself to get moving. He didn’t want to throw off his morning routine just because Louis had surprised him by coming by, literally just to sleep for a few hours. Besides, if he broke his rule and reached out to Louis just this once, maybe he could convince Louis to send some selfies while he’s still in his fancy suit tomorrow.

Nick always did like a man in a nice suit.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**August 2014 (9 Months Before)**

_ L: I’m very much regretting signing on for another stadium tour when it’s so bloody hot outside that it is not healthy to spend too much time outside _ _   
_ _ L: Someone obviously didn’t think this through _

Nick looked out to check that Pig was still playing well with the other dogs at the dog park and then tried to formulate a response.

Louis had been… difficult lately. He had been texting more often like he’d promised, which was nice. Nick felt they’d achieved a good, friendly level of communication that felt much more like the rhythm he had with Harry. He craved more, but he constantly forced those feelings down. Louis wanted Harry. Nick just wished he’d actually do something about it.

That wasn’t why Louis had been difficult, though. Louis refused to answer any questions Nick posed that were about anything deeper than surface level stuff, and Nick was getting tired of his worries being swept aside. He had a niggling feeling that Louis wasn’t doing well, and he didn’t want to have to worry about that coming up on promo time again. 

It had taken almost the entirety of their break between tours last year to get Nick convinced that Louis was fully healthy again, and their break this year was far shorter. The guys literally had a week off for holidays before they began preparations for their next tour, which would kick off in February. Nick really didn’t want to have to be concerned about Louis’ well being, but when the man wouldn’t answer his questions and no one else knew about their friendship, it left Nick with much else he could do.

Nick was too old for this. He’d just turned thirty and he was stressed enough about what that meant. It seemed like every day he found a new wrinkle and a new ache in his body. He was falling apart in his old age and meanwhile this young, gorgeous, annoying sassy man was causing him even more worries than his own body was. It was quite the conundrum and he wished it would just pause for a day. 

_ L: I’m serious, Grimmy. I swear I sweat a pound off every night we perform. _

Rolling his eyes at Louis’ dramatics, Nick typed out a response.

_ Nick: Well, I know it starts in Feb like you said earlier, so won’t you at least have more spring dates next year? That will be something nice to look forward to _

_ L: Nothing’s confirmed yet, but you’re right, that will be nice. _

Pig rushed up to Nick, barking and jumping about before a tiny little dog came over and pulled her back into playing with them. Nick laughed and waved his hands. 

“Go on, Piggie. You’ve got a mate that wants to play,” he said with a laugh before she rushed off happily after the other dog.

Turning back to his phone, Nick debated whether he should try asking Louis about how he’s feeling again. It almost always ended up with Louis brushing him off or a fight, and Nick didn’t really feel up to that today. Besides, Nick was well known for being the light hearted one who liked gossip and avoiding the heavy topics, so he supposed he could do that with Louis easily enough too.

He just wished he wasn’t prone to worrying about him so much.

And why did he worry about Louis? Nick wasn’t technically anyone of real importance to Louis and he certainly wasn’t with him every day. The lads could take care of him better than Nick could and they knew him better than Nick did too.

Or, they  _ mostly _ did, anyway.

Sighing at the complicated mess he was somehow still in, all thanks to a sexy little snippy popstar who had sucked Nick unwittingly into his orbit, Nick decided to do what he did best. Ignore the problem and focus on things that made him happy, like his dog.

He took a video of Pig running around, wreaking havoc, and sent it over to Louis. 

_ L: She’s such a good dog! I’m so sad I haven’t gotten to meet her more than just the once _

Nick smirked, but couldn’t help thinking that while he wanted that as well, that he was grateful his dog hadn’t been able to get to know Louis better. Based on how she immediately took to him, he was honestly a bit worried that Pig would actually like Louis better than she liked Nick, and that just wouldn’t do. In order to protect both of them, Nick had to be sure they kept their distance.

_ Nick: She really is a good dog. _

Louis didn’t text back immediately, and that was fine. Nick was a bit stuck in his thoughts anyway.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**September 2014 (8 Months Before)**

Nick was bopping about the room, recording himself singing along poorly to  _ All About That Bass _ and happily being ridiculous with Fiona for Snapchat. It was one of those rare days where he’d woken up completely alert and it just felt  _ good _ to be waking up the nation with music. 

He was just about to do another one with a filter that made him look like a dog when he got a call. 

As soon as he saw the  _ L _ at the top of the screen, Nick froze. 

Louis was excellent with time zones and made sure to never call him during his show. That, and he hadn’t actually called Nick since this past spring. All of their communication had been via WhatsApp texts and occasional videos. A phone call meant something more serious, and Nick couldn’t help but immediately go into nearly a full-blown panic.

Looking up at Fiona wide-eyed, Nick waved his phone about. “It’s an emergency, I’m sorry,”  he said, before darting out of the room.

“Hello? Everything okay?” Nick said into the phone as he closed the door behind him and walked into the currently empty Live Lounge. “Louis?”

Nick would have been perfectly happy if he was never met with the sound of Louis crying into the phone ever again after that horrible call last year. Unfortunately for Nick, though, it was all he could hear at the moment.

“Yeah,” Louis got out before letting out a full sob. “I hate that I cry so much,” he somehow worked out between stuttered breaths that left Nick’s own chest aching. 

“Oh God, love,” Nick said, rubbing his forehead and pacing around the Live Lounge. “Please focus on breathing, okay? That’s all I need you to do right now. Crying is fine, but breathing is more important.”

“Yeah,” Louis said, heaving in breaths but still letting out soft whines as he tried to stop his sobs. 

“God, I hate that I’m never actually able to be around you when you’re like this,” Nick said softly. “Can you wrap yourself in a blanket or something? I’d feel better knowing you’re wrapped in a blanket.”

“It’s a million degrees here, Nick,” Louis said, chuckling even as he cried. “I haven’t washed the sweat off after the show yet. I’m not wrapping up in a blanket.”

“Oh look,” Nick said, smiling. You’re able to get out full sentences and I can clearly understand you. That’s good.”

“Fuck off,” Louis whined, sniffling. “I hate you and have no idea why I called you.”

“Too late now. You did and I’m very worried. What’s going on? It’s got to be the middle of the night because it’s nearly eight here.”

Louis’ breathing got labored again, but there weren’t any wracking sobs like there had been before, so Nick took it as a win.

“Everything’s falling apart,” Louis whispered. “I just need to know it’s going to be okay.”

“I can’t promise that, love,” Nick said, softly. “Especially if I don’t know what’s going on. There has to have been something specific that happened, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Louis said, a little stronger now. Nick listened while he blew his nose and tried to be patient. It didn’t help that Fiona and producer Liam were both making faces at him and gesturing at the time.

“Hold on, love, okay?” Nick said, before poking his head back into the studio. “I’m really sorry, but I have to take this. I swear I’ll be back when I can, but this is important, okay? Is Adele still here? Or Clara?”

Fiona’s wide eyes studied him and he could tell she was near frantic. He didn’t pull this kind of stunt at work and while she and Liam always prepared for surprises that could come up with live radio, he wasn’t usually the culprit. She finally rolled her eyes and said, “Hurry, Grim.”

Nodding and blowing her as many kisses as possible, Nick turned around and saw a few of the camera men coming in to get equipment set up for the Live Lounge performance that day.

“Shit,” Nick mumbled. “Okay, love, you can start talking, but I’m not going to respond much until I’ve found a corner somewhere that’s a little hidden, okay?”

“Yeah,” Louis sniffled. “I’m so sorry to bother you, I knew you’d be awake and didn’t know that anyone else would. I didn’t even think about it being during your show. That’s the whole reason you’re awake, innit?”

“You’re completely fine,” Nick said as quietly as he could before making his way to the stairs. Sometimes there was an empty conference room a couple of floors down. He’d have to try there and see if he had any luck. “Never apologise for needing to talk to someone. Fiona and Liam and big boss Ben might disagree if it’s during work, but I’m sure if worse comes to worse you can call in and be my popstar emergency, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Louis said sombrely. “Zayn’s leaving the band.”

“What?” Nick asked, entirely too loud from the middle of the floor. Waving his hands about and apologising, Nick lowered his voice again. “I’m sorry, could you repeat that? Because I imagined you said something that couldn’t possibly be true.”

Nick skipped a little when he found the tiny conference room was empty with the lights off. He rushed inside, closed the door behind him, and immediately began pacing the room. 

“Zayn. He’s leaving. God, it feels like everything is in shambles, Nick.”

“He’s leaving? Like, now? Is he not finishing the tour or the album or anything?”

“No no no,” Louis said quickly, hiccuping a little. “He’s staying and said he wouldn’t leave until after the first leg of the tour next year. Apparently management has known he’s wanted to leave for awhile, but he didn’t feel ready to tell us until tonight. That’s why there’s a massive break in spring. It isn’t for charity stuff and writing sessions. It’s so we can regroup and make sure we’re ready to go with just the four of us.”

“So the band isn’t breaking up then?” Nick asked carefully.

“No, not yet,” Louis said, breathing calm now, but voice sounding wrecked. “Fuck, Nick. We’d known he wasn’t happy and he would joke about leaving, but we never thought he was serious. We worked so hard to help him through his shit and now he’s going to be leaving anyway. And I’m glad he’s doing what he needs to do, but fuck. Everything’s changing and it feels like I can hardly keep my feet on the ground.”

“That already sounds like the start of a song,” Nick joked. “Use it.”

“Shut up,” Louis said, but Nick could hear his smile. “For real, though. It’s just gotten me thinking and that’s why I panicked and called you. Zayn’s leaving and it’ll just be the four of us. Can we do it without him? We think we can, but like. Can we actually do it?”

“Of course you can,” Nick said, easily. “You’re all incredibly talented singers and I know you have that ability within you.”

“That means even more eyes on me, though,” Louis said, slowly. “Can  _ I  _ deal with that?”

Nick paused. He wanted to say yes, he wanted to build Louis up. But Louis had already been hovering close to the edge, even without more pressure on him. Nick couldn’t say anything for certain. 

“I wish I could tell you,” he finally decided on.

Louis sighed and the line stayed quiet.

Nick peeked at the clock, and saw he was already likely in trouble, but he still had at just over five minutes of Newsbeat to go, so he should be fine. Hopefully.

“Lou, have you told Harry yet?”

“No,” Louis said, sounding petulant. “Here’s the thing, I’m not sure I’m going to.”

“What?” Nick asked, wanting to smack Louis upside the head. “Why not?”

“Because!” Louis said, finally starting to sound more like himself. “Because, he doesn’t seem to be having nearly the difficult time with our separation on stage or in interviews as I do. He doesn’t seem to really care. We’re best friends, but it doesn’t even really feel like it all the time anymore. And I got to thinking. You know how fans always tag us in shit?”

“Yeah,” Nick said slowly, now completely lost as to what direction Louis was taking this.

“Well one of them tagged me in a video clip of an old interview we did where we had to describe each other using only four words. Harry had to describe me, and you know what he said?”

“Oh God,” Nick said, already groaning. “I don’t. What did he say?”

“He said I was spontaneous and loud, loud, loud.”

Nick groaned. “Oh my God, what was he thinking?” 

“Not sure he was. But that got me thinking, is that really all Harry thinks of me?”

“No, I’m sure it’s not. But it was an interview! How open are you really wanting him to be about his thoughts of you in an interview?”

“I don’t know,” Louis argued back. “But I would hope that if he felt any kind of attraction or whatever for me that he’d be able to come up with at least four different descriptors!”

“Fair,” Nick said, scrubbing his eyes. “Listen, I know you’ve probably got more to say, but I really do need to get back up there before Fiona thinks someone’s died.”

“I know, thank you for answering my call.”

Nick listened to him, and Louis really did sound better. “You’re welcome. Feel free to keep texting me. I’m going to put my phone on do not disturb the rest of the show, so blow it up. I’ll answer back as soon as I can and we can talk more once you’ve woken up, okay?”

“Yeah,” Louis said again before sighing. “Hey, Nick?”

This conversation was the first one where Louis had called him Nick instead of Grimmy since he’d seen him in July, and it felt like something was finally right, even if Louis thought it was all going wrong. 

“Yeah?”

“You’re a good friend. Thank you for being there for me, even when it feels like no one else understands.”

Nick leaned his head against the wall. “Thanks, love. And you’re welcome.”

Finally hanging up, Nick rushed back up to the studio, and apologised to everyone he hurried past in the Live Lounge as he got back into the room.

“We had to play an emergency clip, Nicholas. Please tell me everything’s okay so I can stop being so damn worried and move on to angry.”

Nick’s eyes went wide. “We’ve never had to do that before,” he said, scrubbing his face and checking to see how much time they had left before he had to be on again. “Things are mostly okay, yes. Or they will be, anyway. Otherwise things okay?”

He looked at Liam, who was typing frantically at a computer now that Nick had answered. He overall didn’t seem very pleased, which was fair. Nick had put quite a wrench in their usually smooth machinations of the morning, and they were going to have to answer to Big Boss Ben for the emergency clip. 

“Yeah. We had to act like there was a technical difficulty, even while you were running about talking to your mystery person,” producer Liam said. Sighing, Liam said, “You’ve got about two minutes left before we need you on and focused, okay?”

“I’m sorry, I am. It really was an emergency, though. It won’t happen again. I told them my phone is off for the rest of the show, so I’ll be my usual charming self, only focused on the listeners and the music.”

“Who even was it?” Fiona asked as Nick got settled in. “I hope your mum and dad are alright.”

“Yeah, it was just a friend,” Nick said, smiling. 

“Alright fine, be vague,” Fiona said, teasingly. “And if Ben comes in demanding answers, it’s all your fault.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Nick said. He got his headphones on, found some tweets he could talk about, and got back to business.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**October 2014 (7 Months Before)**

Nick pouted at Scott. “But why do you get to interview them and not me? I’m a nice guy, I get good sound bites when I interview the great One Direction.”

Leveling Nick with a look that obviously said Scott wasn’t believing him, he said, “Oh come on, Grim. Last time you interviewed them as a band, Louis hardly answered any questions you asked and single handedly almost ruined the interview. Add to that the fact that you just abandoned your show out of nowhere only a few weeks ago and refused to give any solid details on why. You might get to interview them again later if that comes up, but for right now you know Ben’s keeping you on a tight leash.”

“I know,” Nick said, rolling his eyes and checking the clock. His show had just finished and he had another meeting to get to, but he’d forgotten Scott would be in early today because of needing to get things ready for his secret interview. “So when are you off to this super secret location, hmm?”

Scott gave him a grin that showed how pleased he was with himself when he said, “The car’s picking me up in just a couple minutes. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen them, actually, I’m kind of excited to see what mayhem this interview is.”

Nick rolled his eyes. “You thrive in chaos, and I don’t understand it considering how much you like being in charge.”

Scott laughed and headed to the lift. “Later, Grimmy.”

Nick hummed and waved him off. He still had ten minutes before he needed to be in the conference room planning their Christmas shenanigans, so he started to wander off for a snack.

He was debating between getting a pack of Walkers and an Aero bar when his phone indicated a text had come in. Nick didn’t think he was late, he was usually quite good when it came to his meeting times, but he really didn’t want to misstep right now when he was already on somewhat thin ice.

_ L: I think I might be ready to tell Harry soon _

Nick’s mind was whirling. Thoughts like  _ Finally _ and  _ Fucking hell _ and  _ Oh shit _ were some of the only ones he could grasp onto, but he tried to slow it down so he could figure out how to respond. 

Backing away from the vending machine - snacks could definitely wait when he had something big like this to finish discussing before his meeting - Nick started having questions. 

_ Nick: Before I get too excited, tell Harry  _ what _ soon? _

Excited might not be the best term for how he was feeling right now, but Louis didn’t need to know that. Nick felt relief in droves. The sooner Harry learned about any part of Louis’ self discoveries the sooner Nick’s burden felt that much lighter. But also, was Louis planning to tell him he was gay? About how much he cared for Harry as more than a friend? About the fact he and Nick are actually quite close and good friends? 

_ L: Not everything, not right off at least. But I think maybe telling him about the fact I’m not actually interested in women might be a good start _

Nick nodded. He agreed. For his own selfish purposes, he wanted Louis to come clean about being friends with him, but he knew that the first step was the most important at this point and the rest might come about more naturally.

_ L: We’re in London for tonight, think I can come by? Maybe come up with like a plan of how to do it or something? _

Nick knew he should say no. He should come up with some sort of excuse why that wouldn’t work, why he was too busy or too tired or he already had plans. He knew that if Louis came by, that he’d want so much more than just some talking. As much as he didn’t want to, Nick still craved being close to Louis. He still woke up wishing Louis was beside him, felt ghosts of his fingers against his skin from time to time during that short moment between wakefulness and sleep. If he said yes, that draw would be so much stronger.

But despite all of that, despite his brain arguing against it and the fact that Nick knew without a doubt it wouldn’t end well for his heart, he said yes.

_ Nick: Free as a bird. Lemme know when you’re on your way. _

Fuck.

Nick was just getting back from taking Pig for an early evening walk later that night when Louis messaged saying he’d be there soon. Apparently the super secret location they’d been holed up in all day was fairly close to Nick’s flat.

“Piggie, you get to see Louis again,” Nick said in his high, silly voice he reserved entirely for his god-babies and dogs. “Isn’t that exciting? He’ll be here soon!”

The more Nick talked to Pig, the more she barked back in excitement, and Nick knew she’d love seeing him again. 

“You’re going to love him better than you love me, aren’t you?” Pig just sat there, like a good girl, and panted back at him. “Yes, I know you are. That’s fine. I knew you’d betray me in the end.”

“Who’s betraying you?”

The door slammed shut and Nick rolled his eyes. Louis always had impeccable timing. 

“Piggie. She’s going to love you better than me despite only having met you twice.”

“Well of course she is,” Louis said, kicking off his shoes and coming around to the living room. “Already does love me, don’t you, Piggie poo?”

Nick scrunched his nose. “We need to work on your nickname game.”

“Fuck off, she loves it,” Louis said, squatting down and continuing to coo at his dog as she rushed up to lick his face in its entirety. “You do, don’t you? Yes, you love it just like you love me. Yes you do.”

“This is disgusting, I’m going to make us tea.”

“Excellent, I’m starving.”

“Course you are,” Nick said, laughing into his fridge. “All that hard work as a popstar and being surrounded by food you can’t eat means that you want actual food at the end of the day.”

“God, you know Liam and Harry are trying to eat better which means the rest of us have to pay the price. They only had a single tray of meat today, the rest of the table was fruit and veg. Who wants that?”

“Sounds amazing, actually,” Nick said as he decided on the stir fry he’d bought everything for yesterday.

“God, you too. I don’t understand it. At least Zayn and Niall are on my side.”

“Don’t worry, I’m putting chicken in this so you can have some protein that isn’t plant based.”

“Thank fuck,” Louis said with a laugh. 

“So, about Harry…” Nick drifted off, hoping that would be enough to get Louis started. He heard Pig come into the kitchen as Louis sat at the table, so he looked over to see whether Louis was thinking or ignoring his question.

“I just… I want the timing to be right, you know? I don’t want it to be entirely out of the blue.”

“Have you tried queer coding at all?” Nick asked. “That’s an easy way to get things started at least a little bit. Harry’s quite well versed in picking up on it.”

“How much more coding do I need to do?” Louis asked, arching his brow. “I’ve been subtly adding more rainbows to my clothing options and Harry knows all about that. He also knows about my body language and shit. He definitely knows my girlfriend is just for promo. Like, how flamboyant do I have to be and how many rainbows do I have to wear before he starts figuring out I’m not just a really supportive ally?”

“Well, you know Harry,” Nick said, pulling out a pan. “He’s incredibly smart, but also you’re talking about things that could also be explained away with some other excuse. You’ve never told him you’re not straight, so he’s going to take your word for it, I think.”

Louis groaned and leaned his head onto the table. “So you’re saying just keep doing what I’m doing and if anything related to dating or women or sexuality at all comes up, just tell him?”

Nick shrugged. “Yeah. Basically.”

“I hate you.”

Chuckling, Nick apologised and looked in the freezer for the frozen vegetable pack he’d gotten specifically for this. He reached in and made a sound of discomfort as he remembered he’d done something to his shoulder the other day at the gym. 

“Did you hurt yourself?” Louis asked, sounding worried. “I didn’t know you were injured.”

“I’m not, not really,” Nick argued, reaching for the veg with his other arm. “I just pulled a muscle or something and it’s tight and sore still.”

Louis got up from his seat and walked over to Nick, gently turning him towards the window overlooking his back garden.

“I can’t cook for you when I’m faced this way,” Nick pointed out. He was about to continue being snarky when Louis started putting pressure right where he was sore.

“Is that where it hurts?” Louis asked after Nick had groaned.

“Nope, I just like making that sound for fun.”

Louis tutted in disapproval and then started massaging around gently. It was mostly okay, the area was tight but not entirely sore, but then Louis dug his thumb into the very center of where all of his pain was emanating from.

“Shit, fuck,” Nick cried, trying to pull out of Louis’ grip, but Louis was stronger than he looked. He held on tight and Nick stopped fighting when he started working the area much more gently.

“Were you working on the rowing machines or something that uses similar movement?” Louis asked as he continued prodding around.

“How’d you know?” Nick asked, sounding pained even though what Louis was doing at the moment didn’t hurt so much. “It was fine while I was at the gym, but almost immediately after it started hurting.”

“Yeah, Liam does this sometimes. I’ve learned some ways to massage it so it doesn’t hurt as bad later, but it isn’t much fun as we go.” 

Nick hummed in understanding and then he felt Louis kiss his shoulder, right where the pain was. 

“Well it’s good for me you know what you’re doing, then.”

Nick felt Louis kiss up his shoulder to his neck, and soon enough Louis pressed against his back and wrapped his arms around Nick’s midsection. Resting his arms on top of Louis’, he admired the new tattoos he could see. 

“Hey, Nick?” Louis asked, continuing to press kisses to Nick’s neck. His hands started drifting down Nick’s midsection as well. 

Goosebumps rising across his skin, Nick sounded breathless when he replied. “Yeah?”

Licking the edge of Nick’s ear, Louis blew on it gently, making Nick shiver, and then he said, “Think dinner could wait a little bit?”

“Maybe,” Nick said, acting as if he didn’t know what Louis was implying. He couldn’t be  _ too _ easy. “Depends on what you have in mind.”

Louis slipped his fingers into the front of Nick’s trousers, just dipping low enough to tease him. “I was thinking we could go to your bedroom and try out a few things.”

“Yeah?” Nick asked, swallowing hard. He wasn’t fooling anyone, but he didn’t care. He’d keep the act up as long as possible if it meant that he wasn’t giving in instantly. Every little chance he had to push back against Louis was a win. Especially while his brain was still sounding alarms even as it shut down thanks to Louis’ ministrations. 

“Yeah,” Louis said, smiling. “I was thinking that maybe I’m ready to bottom. Again.”

They had explored a lot, but not once since Nick had topped a few years ago had Louis wanted to bottom. Nick had just figured he didn’t like it, and he was fine with that. They did enough that he never really worried about it, he was well pleased. But he had  _ loved _ that night with Louis. If he really was going to get the chance to do that again, he wanted to get to the bedroom as fast as possible.

Nick was a little worried about why Louis wanted to try again after so long. “I thought you didn’t like it and that’s why we never did it again,” he finally said quietly.

“No,” Louis said, eyes wide. He shook his head and, cheeks pink, said, “Kind of the opposite, actually. I liked it so much, it scared me a little. So I kept putting off doing it again.” Licking his lips, Louis took a deep breath and offered another smile. “I think I’m ready now, though.”

Blinking for about a second, Nick felt like he couldn’t speak or move fast enough now, as if that would somehow make up for the time he’d spent hesitating.

“Yeah, let’s get these back in the freezer and I think that would definitely be possible,” Nick said, whirling around and accidentally pushing Louis into the sink in his haste. “Fuck, I’m sorry, oh my God-”

“It’s alright, Nick,” Louis said, laughing. “How about you get that back in and I’ll get what we need ready in your room?”

Nick nodded quickly and turned back to the counter. “Yeah, good plan.”

As he quickly shoved the food back where he’d gotten it only moments before, Nick promised himself this was the last time. He meant it now, but if Louis was ready to talk to Harry, it really did mean his opportunity for this kind of incredible sex with Louis was dwindling. He had to take advantage while he could. 

In the back of his mind, he knew it was a poor excuse, but it was going to have to do. He wasn’t going to deny the fit popstar currently waiting for him in his bed.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**November 2014 (6 Months Before)**

Nick had held out for the entirety of the band’s existence, but during this round of promo he had finally caved. He was now the person he swore he would never become.

Nick had Google alerts for One Direction because Louis and Harry were rarely answering his texts in their busy schedules, and when they did they were mostly filled with apologies and no actual information. Nick had even been prodding Harry, trying to ask casual but leading questions that could potentially tell him if Louis had talked to him or not, but he wasn’t giving away anything. Louis was avoiding the subject entirely, which didn’t tell Nick anything either. He knew he would know if it had gone poorly, but otherwise he had no idea what to expect from the man.

So here he was. Watching all of the interviews he knew were current and not filmed before he’d talked to Louis about it, and he felt ridiculous. 

First of all, he was able to tell based solely on outfits and hair whether it was an older or newer interview. Mostly because nearly every single one was an older interview. There had been a rare few though that weren’t. He watched those with eagle eyes.

Second of all, he found himself still watching the older ones. He knew these people in real life, they weren’t giving him any new information that he didn’t already have, and yet there he was sitting there, watching Harry and Louis as closely as possible.

Okay fine. Mostly Louis. But he was also watching Harry because he was trying to see if there was a difference between how Harry regarded Louis  _ before _ Louis said he was ready to tell Harry and after.

There wasn’t, as far as he could tell. 

Nick wasn’t really a specialist at body language, though. He could see the difference with Louis on stage between when they’d first started out and now because it was an incredibly blatant difference and he’d known that Louis was having issues with that. This, though, was more than difficult because he was looking for the differences and he wasn’t sure he was finding any.

Nick closed his laptop and shoved it to the side before scooting down in bed and covering his eyes. Why was he like this? Why wouldn’t his friends just fucking talk to him? Why was Louis avoiding the questions?

Right when Nick was considering going to bed, his phone went off. 

“Piss off,” Nick called to it before immediately changing his mind. He groaned and started searching the bed covers for wherever the phone had landed as he’d been shifting about. It had somehow managed to get inside the duvet, which just caused even more hardship than it was almost worth to pull it out, but he finally got it and finally found a response from Harry.

_ Young Harold: Sorry, we’re getting ready for the AMAs so we don’t have much time _ _   
_ _ Young Harold: I don’t think Mum has anything planned for Boxing Day, so that should be just fine. You’ll have to talk to her about it. _

Nick made a faint affronted sound at his phone. Yes, he did want to know about Boxing Day, but he’d asked about that days ago. What he wanted to know about  _ now _ was whether or not Louis had spoken to him about a certain subject.

_ Nick: So is everyone alright over in grand old America? Louis and Zayn well? _

Hitting send, Nick’s eyes widened. Fuck, he should not text when he should be asleep. Harry hadn’t told Nick about Zayn’s news so he had about as much reason to be asking about Zayn as he did about Louis.

_ Young Harold: Fuck off, what rumours have you heard now? _

Actually, maybe Nick’s mistake would help him in the end.

_ Nick: Oh, a little of this, a little of that is all _

He had no idea how to specifically pry without outing Louis if he hadn’t already talked to Harry about it himself. Fuck, this was harder than Nick had ever expected it to be.

_ Young Harold: Well, there’s a lot going on so that doesn’t surprise me _ _   
_ _ Young Harold: You heard things specifically about Louis and Zayn, though? _

Nick was horrible. He was the worst at getting gossip out of people who weren’t already ready to talk, and Harry was one of the most tight-lipped people Nick had ever met. He had no idea why he thought he’d be able to get anything out of him. Harry  _ adored _ knowing everything about everyone, but he rarely shared the information with a soul. Nick both loved and hated that about it.

_ Nick: Okay, mostly Louis. I just asked about Zayn in an attempt to throw you off.  _ _   
_ _ Nick: We all know his public girlfriend is just promo, but I heard there might be someone he’s actually into for real? _

He hoped that wasn’t too much. He didn’t think it was. But he also didn’t want to get Harry suspicious.

After a long pause, Harry finally sent another message.

_ Young Harold: Not as far as I know _ _   
_ _ Young Harold: Rumour mill misses again _ _   
_ __ Young Harold: Got to go, Lou’s gonna kill me if I don’t put my phone down while she does my hair

Fuck. Harry was either playing coy or Louis still hadn’t talked to him. Thumbing over to his conversation with Louis, Nick decided it was time to beg.

_ Nick: Please, put me out of my misery. I’ve resorted to watching your fucking interviews as my brain turns to mush in an attempt to figure out if you’ve talked to him or not.  _ _   
_ _ Nick: Talk to Harry. Or at least tell me why you haven’t. That’s all I ask. _

Nick fell asleep moments later, not having washed his face or anything. When he woke in the morning, his phone was nearly dead and he already had a zit starting to make its home on his forehead. Wonderful.

Louis had sent him a video just moments ago, though, and it looked like it was a link to their performance. As Nick watched it, he saw what appeared to be Harry glancing over at Louis repeatedly as they sang. Or was he making that up? Was he searching for things he hoped he saw because maybe it would mean that Louis had finally talked to him?

_ Nick: That isn’t a fucking answer _ _   
_ _ Nick: Was Harry actually looking over at you or was he looking elsewhere? _

He heaved himself out of bed to start getting ready, but rushed back to where his phone was charging when he heard it buzz, toothbrush in hand.

_ L: I don’t know, that’s why I sent it to you _ _   
_ _ L: And I haven’t told him yet. Still scared. _

Nick sighed. He, of all people, understood the fear of coming out to those you’re closest to. Nick also got to the point though that the anxiety leading up to the situation was worse than the anxiety over the situation itself. Maybe it was different for Louis. 

Going back to the bathroom so he could finally spit out his toothpaste and finish his morning routine, Nick shakes his head. All those hours watching those interviews, wasted. Just because Louis wouldn’t answer his questions.

Once he’d gotten dressed, he realised he hadn’t replied to Louis, and he didn’t want Louis to think he should be ashamed of not having told Harry yet or anything, even though Nick was obviously on the side of telling him. 

Rushing back to his phone, Nick typed quickly so he could finish getting ready before his car got there.

_ Nick: That’s okay. You’re nearly there. Maybe have a goal to do it before your birthday. It can be like a present to yourself _

Nick liked presents and knew Louis did as well. Hopefully Louis would feel like nearly a month was enough time to work up the courage. 

Wait. Today was the twenty-fourth. Louis’ birthday was  _ exactly _ a month away. 

_ Nick: A month is enough time, yeah? Happy month until your birthday, btw _

His phone had charged enough that it wouldn’t die on the way to work, and that was all that mattered. He’d pull the charger he kept in his locker for emergencies and make do.

_ L: Get to work, already. I’m at an event, I’ll text later _ _   
_ _ L: And you’re an idiot, but since you’re being an idiot about my birthday, I guess I’ll deal with it _

Nick rolled his eyes, took an unimpressed selfie, then walked out the door.

He was maybe more pleased than he should have been when Louis sent a selfie of his own back.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**December 2014 (5 Months Before)**

Nick loved being home. His mum and dad were great fun and put up with a lot of shit from him and he didn’t get nearly as much time with them as he probably should. That was part of what made Christmas so special though, right?

He sat in front of the telly, watching yet another Christmas special before all of them turned in for the night. Nick had almost two weeks off from work to just relax and thoroughly mess up his sleep schedule, and he was excited for it. He wasn’t quite ready to stay up past ten yet, but he was slowly working on it. Starting with watching an old, boring as shit version of  _ A Christmas Carol _ with his parents.

Buzzing sounded from the kitchen, and Nick realised he’d left his phone in there when he’d gone in to top off his wine.

“I was waiting to see how long it took for you to realise you weren’t attached to your phone,” Eileen said, winking at him. “You lasted a whole seven minutes, thirty seconds. I’m quite proud.”

“Awwww, Mum!” Nick cooed, giving her a big, wet kiss on her cheek as he walked in to grab it off the counter. “I do love making you proud.”

“It doesn’t happen often, I know,” she teased.

He stuck his tongue out and got to the kitchen as he watched his phone light up with another text.

_ L: They’ve all passed out on me _

Below his text was a photo of all gazillion of Louis’ siblings cuddling together throughout the room, and just as he said, every last one looked to be asleep.

_ Nick: Well if you’re watching  _ A Christmas Carol _ like we are, I can’t say I blame them _

Heading back into the living room, Nick sat on the couch and angled his phone so he could get a selfie that included his parents. 

“Mum, Dad, smile nice for the camera.”

Nick gave a cheesy grin that was still at a good angle for him as his dad looked well annoyed at being interrupted from the film and his mum flashed a peace sign.

“Peace? Really, Mum?” Nick said, laughing. He quickly sent it to Louis and added a quick follow up.

_ Nick: At least we have been able to stay awake so far _

“Are you posting that online so everyone can talk about us some more?” 

Nick nudged his dad with his shoulder. “Come on, Peter. If you wanted more attention online, you could have just told me, hmm?”

His dad rolled his eyes but smiled a little. 

“Ahh, there we are,” Nick said, happily. “I knew you loved me despite my not understanding football.”

“We’re still going to the Twists for Boxing Day, yeah?”

Nick chuckled. “Yes, Dad. Robin and Harry are excited to watch United play Newcastle with you.”

_ L: You’d think they weren’t hyped on sugar and excitement about pressies just five minutes ago _   
_ L: Looks like you are having a good time with your parents, though. Are your brother and sister coming by at all this year? _

Nick smiled and typed quickly, more than happy to finally have Louis talking to him after radio silence all day. He’d wanted to give him space on his birthday, but had planned to text if Louis didn’t first before going to bed. 

_ Nick: Yeah, they’re coming tomorrow afternoon _ _   
_ _ Nick: So what did you do to celebrate your birthday, hmm? _

Looking up, Nick saw the film was nearly over. He could definitely get away with taking the rest of his wine up to his room so he could be comfortable on a bed at least, right?

“I’m turning in. See you in the morning,” Nick said as he gave both his mum and dad a kiss on the cheek. “Happy Christmas.”

“Sleep well, love,” Eileen called after him.

Nick quickly pulled off his shirt and climbed into bed with his wine. When the wine was done he could take care of the rest of his routine. Until then, Louis could keep him company.

_ L: Did all sorts. Mostly just spoiled the little ones for the day _

Shaking his head, Nick was about to put his wine down to text, but then thought why? He had privacy now and Louis was surrounded by sleeping siblings. They could have a nice, quiet chat on the phone. Plus, that way Nick wouldn’t have to put down his wine.

He hit call and waited for Louis to pick up.

“Wasn’t expecting to hear your voice today,” Louis said, voice just above a whisper. 

“Yes, well. You weren’t telling me the details I wanted about your birthday celebrations and it’s easier to push you into submission over the phone,” Nick said, smiling widely when he heard Louis chuckle. “And this way I can keep hold of my wine.”

“Oh, I see,” Louis said, a little louder. “It’s not really about me, the wine was the priority. It all makes sense now.”

“Yes, well. Not going to lie. Eileen got it, and it’s a very good wine.”

“I’m sure,” Louis said, laughing some more. “So what kinds of details are you wanting exactly?”

“I don’t know,” Nick said, laughing and taking another sip. “Just something more than one sentence, I suppose. I know your family loves fawning over you and you do deserve that on your birthday.”

“They do enjoy that, yes,” Louis said, and the fondness was more than clear over the phone. 

Nick loved how much Louis clearly adored his family just as much as they did him.

“Well I got here just in time for a brunch including all of my favorites. We all then took a trip to the mall and made sure to emotionally torture the babies by forcing them to sit in the lap of a man they don’t know with a white beard who talks overly loud. That went over incredibly well, as I’m sure you can imagine.”

Nick was gasping for breath at Louis’ dry tone, but he kept going, and Nick could only hear half of it until Louis recounted dinner.

“...at which time there was an argument about whether my birthday presents counted as my one gift I’m allowed to open on Christmas Eve or if another got to be opened. I’m not sure why this argument happened today when obviously this is the twenty third time this has happened, but alas. Here we are. We were able to take care of it by distracting them with cake and presents, and now here we are. That enough detail for you?”

“I suppose,” Nick said, swishing his wine around because he could.

“Oh, you suppose?” Louis asked, chuckling softly. “Well, good. I was going to ask-”

“Louis, who are you on the phone with?”

One of Louis’ sisters near him must have woken up, because Nick could hear her clearly.

“Just a mate wanting to wish me happy birthday, love. Let me finish the call then we can get everyone up to bed, alright?”

Nick heard some shuffling and murmuring in the background, when Louis obviously directed his attention back.

“Sorry about that.”

“Oh, don’t be. It’s your birthday and only hours from Christmas. Go spend time with them.”

Louis snorted a bit. “Yeah, time getting them to bed, then I need to follow suit. I’m guessing we’ll be woken around six to see what Santa brought.”

“I’m sure,” Nick agreed, happily. “I’ll think of you fondly as I lie in.”

“Wanker,” Louis muttered, hopefully soft enough for the children to not overhear.

“Happy Birthday, Lou,” Nick said, poking at his blankets with his toes. He didn’t know why he was suddenly feeling self conscious about the call, but he was. “I hope it was just as you wanted it. And Happy Christmas too.”

“Thanks. And Happy Christmas to you, too.”

“And tell Harry,” Nick said, trying to sound stern but knowing he missed it by a mile. “I know you haven’t yet, and I’m seeing him on Boxing Day, alright? Please. Just. Tell him  _ something.” _

Louis blew air into the receiver, making it crackle in Nick’s ear. “No promises, but I’ll see what I can do tomorrow.”

“I accept the effort,” Nick said, smiling. “Night.”

They hung up, and Nick drank the last few gulps of wine all at once then looked down at himself. He was half dressed in his childhood bed with an empty wine glass and his phone half dead. 

Rolling his eyes at himself, he pushed the duvet down and climbed out of bed. He did a rather half arsed version of washing his face and brushing his teeth, but felt the better for it, and was just climbing into bed when his phone buzzed. 

Picking it up, he saw a photo of Louis, shirtless and hair mussed, lying on his back in what was obviously a dark room.

_ L: Thanks for the birthday call. I appreciate you thinking of me. _


	6. 2015 part 1

**Early January 2015 (4 Months Before)**

Louis’ leg wouldn’t stop bouncing. Nick was used to this, some part of Louis was  _ always _ moving. And, if he was being honest, Nick wasn’t exactly the most relaxed person ever either. 

That said, Louis was even worse than usual and he had been for the last few days. Ever since he’d returned to London after the holidays and gotten back to work, he’d been staying with Nick almost every night. Nick had no issues with this, if anything he appreciated the fact that Louis was seeking his comfort and presence, especially since he’d given up trying to create space between them. He just didn’t know what to do about the apparent nerves and anxiety Louis was experiencing.

Deep down, Nick knew it was likely to do with everything that was coming up for Louis over the course of the next few months. Tour was starting up incredibly soon, Zayn was going to be leaving at the end of the first leg, and Louis was going to be able to break up with his public girlfriend as well. Something to do with Louis partially taking on the image as the band “bad boy” that Zayn had up until now had.

The music industry was so fucked up, sometimes he was really glad he couldn’t sing and was already at the height of his game doing what he was.

Even knowing  _ why _ Louis was stressed, Nick still felt off kilter, though. What was he supposed to do to help? Emotionally, he really needed Louis to be leaning on Harry. Harry would be there for him during the tour and the transition to only four of them in the band, all that. Harry was also the one Louis actually wanted to be with. 

God. Louis hadn’t been bringing Harry up as much the past month or so, but that could be for any number of reasons. Maybe Louis was so anxious about tour starting soon that his top priority wasn’t thinking about Harry constantly. That seemed the most likely of all the options Nick had considered, but he was also a bit worried that Louis was starting to catch on that Nick really enjoyed his company. Nick hadn’t quite figured out to what extent himself just yet, but he was doing a great job of ignoring it to the best of his ability.

So clearly, for both of their sakes really, emotional support was out. Which was fine. Nick was shit with that kind of thing anyway. Since he couldn’t do that, he would keep doing what he could. Which, essentially, was distract Louis from everything coming up. Ignore any of that was happening. When Louis showed up after a day of rehearsals and meetings and whatever else they had to do to get ready, Nick presented a hopeful safe space for him.

Which meant that tonight they were watching some sort of film that had bored Nick within five minutes and now Louis couldn’t stop bouncing his leg. To the point of shaking the sofa.

“Lou,” Nick said, placing his hand on Louis’ knee. Louis immediately stilled. “I appreciate your need for movement, but I think the sofa has moved at least half a metre towards the kitchen in fifteen minutes.”

“Shit, sorry,” Louis said.

And that was it. He apologised, and pulled his knees up to his chest, and stayed still as he stared at the telly with his eyes glazed. 

“Okay, what the fuck is going on?” Nick asked, trying to be kind, but also realising that just ignoring everything wasn’t going to work. “Louis Tomlinson going quiet and doing just as I ask is not what I’m used to. So something is bothering you.”

Louis turned his head just enough to glare at Nick. “Nothing’s bothering me, fuck off.”

“Oh, sure. Yeah. Fuck off to  _ my own home. _ ” Nick gestured around the room that showed the art Louis labeled as pretentious the first time he’d been there. Nick had maybe added more just because of that. “Seriously, what’s going on?”

“I fucking told you, nothing.”

Nick continued to watch Louis as he stared angrily at the TV for another minute, still not moving. Something was definitely up and Nick wasn’t going to allow him to pretend everything was fine and dandy. Especially not after they’d finished eating the incredible meal Nick had made them from scratch. 

“Nope, none of that,” Nick said, standing up and turning off the screen. He turned to Louis and took his hands, trying to get him to rise from the couch.

Louis, of course, refused.

“You’re such a pain in my arse sometimes,” Nick groaned before leaning over and picking up Louis. “You’re heavier than you look, must be muscle weight or something.”

“I hate you,” Louis said, remaining as dead weight over Nick’s shoulder. 

“I was expecting you to fight me more,” Nick said, sounding obviously strained as he made his way carefully to the bedroom. “You as dead weight is actually harder than the fighting would have been.”

“Yes, I’ve learned this over the years with Paul,” Louis said, sounding pleased with himself. “Not sure why, but dead weight is much heavier and harder.” Louis sighed a little before saying, “We’re gonna miss him.”

“Who?” Nick forced out before leaning forward and essentially dropping Louis on the bed. He stood back up, hand on his side and his chest as he tried to calm his breathing and heart after the strenuous activity. “Fuck, I’ve been doing more at the gym, you’d think I would be able to carry you from one room to the next a bit easier with all the hours I put in.”

Louis smirked at Nick for a second before it dropped again. “Paul.”

“What? Paul?” 

“Paul Higgins. He left. We’ve got a new tour manager and head of security this year.”

“Oh,” Nick said, still trying to connect the dots. “That’s...a big deal for you.”

Louis refused to make eye contact, but he nodded before scooting over to his side of the bed and patting on Nick’s side. Nick stripped off his shirt and climbed in easily, opening his arms so Louis could cuddle up to him. Just as he expected, Louis laid his head on Nick’s chest and immediately his hand wormed its way up to Nick’s chest hair. Louis loved running his fingers through it, teasing it. It had made Nick self conscious at first, but he liked it now. 

“Paul’s been with us since we first needed security basically,” Louis said quietly. “We were all close with him, but I was especially. He told us he was leaving in November, but it didn’t really hit me until we got started with rehearsals I guess and for the first time, he wasn’t there.”

Nick sighed, lightly scratching at Louis’ back. He leaned over and kissed the top of Louis’ head best he could from his angle and said, “I’m sorry, love.”

“It’s okay,” Louis said softly. “It just feels like everything’s changing and I can’t keep up.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.” Nick stayed quiet to see if Louis would say anything else, but he didn’t. 

Deciding that was enough talking for tonight, Nick gently sat up, displacing Louis off of his chest. He turned and pulled Louis’ shirt off before guiding him to lay down on his back.

“Let’s see if we can get you to forget about all of that for just a little bit,” Nick said, teasingly as he stuck his thumbs into the waistband of Louis’ joggers. Digging around a bit, Nick noticed the reason he couldn’t find the band for Louis’ pants was because he wasn’t wearing any. 

Arching a brow, Nick looked up at Louis. His cheeks were pink and he had a slightly embarrassed smile. 

“Didn’t see the point of any when I hoped these would be coming off anyway.”

“Oh, you hoped, did you?” Nick asked, crawling forward so he was hovering just above Louis, not a single part of their bodies touching. “You hoped I’d bring you back here? Get you into my bed, and do some nasty, naughty things with you, hmm?”

Thoughts were flying through Nick’s head as he imagined all the things he could possibly do to Louis to get his mind off of everything with the band, and by the end of talking, his voice was raspy with want. He allowed himself to nose at Louis’ neck and as he breathed out, warming the skin, he saw goosebumps rise.

Smiling in triumph, Nick kissed the juncture of Louis’ neck and shoulder before pulling back up. Louis still hadn’t answered, but his mouth was hanging open a bit, so Nick took that as a good sign. He wanted a verbal answer, though.

Eyes laser focused on Louis’, Nick lowered his hips and ground against Louis. That was enough to get Louis to throw his head back, his fringe going high enough that if his eyes were open, Nick could see them clearly for the first time since they’d come into his bedroom.

“Yes,” Louis gasped. “Yes, I hoped.”

“Hmm,” Nick hummed, pleased. He leaned down and began to kiss his way down Louis’ torso. “Let’s see what other hopes I can fulfill for you tonight.”

 

*~~***~~*

 

**Late January 2015 (3.5 Months Before)**

So, sex was really great at distracting Louis and because he had needed a lot of distraction, they had in turn had a  _ lot _ of sex over the past several weeks. More than they had ever before, thanks to Louis staying over as often as he was. 

Nick couldn’t find it in himself to complain.

“Fiona,” Nick wondered one morning. “What do you suppose the moral implications are of using your dick to distract a friend from stressful situations?”

“Nicholas Grimshaw, don’t you dare pull out your willy in the middle of this studio or, so help me, I will kill you.”

Looking at her entirely unimpressed, Nick pressed his hand to his chest and said, “Where in the world would you get an idea like that? I am a professional. I would never do that. But if I did, it would be a gift. I have a lovely willy.”

“I’ve seen it, and it isn’t as lovely as you want to think, mate.”

Nick gasped in offense as he watched her focus on the computer screen in front of her. “Oh my God, I stripped at the party last year, didn’t I?”

Producer Liam arched a brow at Nick. “The work Christmas Party? I knew I left early for a reason.”

“Why do neither of you trust me to keep my clothes on when I’m somewhere in a professional capacity?”

“It was his 30th birthday party, actually, and don’t worry. Rita and I were about the only ones left and Grimmy here was complaining he’d never get a hot boyfriend to stay because his dick wasn’t pretty enough,” Fiona explained causing Nick to burst into giggles. He had entirely forgotten about that, but he had also been well pissed. “You’re back on in two…”

“Shit.” Nick turned around just in time to take his microphone off mute and welcome the listeners back. Once he had the next song going, Nick was turning in his seat to look at Fiona again, but she shook her head so he rolled his eyes and turned back to the computer. He pulled his phone out of the pocket of his bag to do a Snapchat video showing off his song of the week, when he saw a text waiting from Louis.

_ L: What do you think, Grimshaw? One more night before a man leaves for his world travels? _

Fuck. Nick hadn’t  _ forgotten _ per se, he’d just lost track. He was certain that Louis’ flight was in two days and not tomorrow. That was what happened when he distracted Louis instead of talking to him.

_ Nick: Of course. What time do you think you’ll be by? _

Checking the time Louis initially texted, he realised it was almost two hours old at this point and Nick had just been so busy he hadn’t realised. Quickly typing up a quick follow up message, he sent it and then set it down to focus on his job for a bit. 

_ Nick: You’re up early today _

There. Now he only had another hour and then he’d be able to focus on the  _ many  _ distractions of Louis anyway.

The hour dragged on, though, and he was practically tripping over himself to get out of the building so he could allow himself to look at his phone. Whoever said he didn’t have any self control obviously should see him today. He was rocking this.

_ L: Having to listen to your scratchy voice on the radio would do that to anyone _ _   
_ _ L: I’ll be there by the time you get home from work _

Nick read Louis’ reply for probably fifty times just in the car on the way home. He got out at the corner instead of in front of his flat so he could run into the corner shop and get some things to make Louis’ favourite pasta that Nick makes. If it was his last night to imagine that Louis belonged at his flat with him, Nick was going to do his most. 

He had a feeling about this tour. It wasn’t going to be like the others where Nick kept expecting Louis to say something but he never did because things got in the way. Nick could just tell. 

Everything was going to change. He just could not for the life of him figure out if it was going to end well for him or not. He hoped so, but if he was honest with himself, he never had been very good at self preservation.

Grabbing the required items for the sauce, Nick kept his time in the shop as short as he could then headed back to his flat. As soon as he walked in, he could tell Louis was having a rough day. The tension was obvious, and Nick hadn’t even seen him yet. 

“Hey, Lou. Did you get everything packed and ready?”

Louis didn’t say anything, but Nick knew he was there because Pig didn’t rush to greet him at the door and his Vans were sitting beside the coat rack. The silence somehow made the tension even stronger, and Nick was getting nervous what he’d find as he walked further.

Taking care of his own shoes and coat as quickly as possible, Nick took the groceries to the kitchen and it was only when he was coming out of the kitchen to head back to his bedroom that he saw the various pieces of luggage shoved into the corner of his - otherwise empty - living room. At least that answered one question. 

“Lou?” Nick called again, walking down the hall. For some reason, his bedroom door was closed and he didn’t understand why. Even when Louis stayed over, they never closed the door unless Pig was misbehaving. 

Hesitating a moment, Nick slowly opened it as quietly as possible in order to not bother Louis if he was napping. 

Louis definitely was not sleeping. He was naked - and  _ incredibly  _ hard - on Nick’s bed, smirking. Pig, meanwhile, slept innocently on her doggie bed in the corner. 

“Was wondering when you’d get here,” Louis said, sounding breathless as he shifted a little. 

Nick couldn’t take his eyes off of Louis from where he was frozen in the doorway. The tension Nick had been so sure of when he walked in was apparently a tension of a different kind than he was expecting, but it didn’t make him any more able to fully comprehend what he was looking at. It was like a dream, or something.

“Are you coming in or what?”

Nick swallowed harshly then stumbled inside. “I got things for dinner. I know it’s early, but I thought…”

“We can order food later,” Louis said, rolling onto his side and reaching for Nick’s hand. “I don’t have much time left.”

Nick snorted but walked towards the bed. “You make it sound like they’re going to kill you, not that you’re about to head to Australia and their warm weather to perform for your adoring fans.”

Louis was just as dramatic as Nick was, if not more so, and he appreciated that in a person, but he didn’t like the way Louis talked about leaving home sometimes. He had to snort and kid with Louis to keep him from getting too serious and making Nick think too much about it. 

Climbing onto the bed, Louis propped himself up, looking him up and down. His eyes left a path that burned so brightly on his skin, it was like he had touched him despite knowing he hadn’t. It also had Nick wishing he was already out of his clothes.

“It feels a little like I’m dying,” Louis whispered in response before leaning in for a deep, filthy kiss that quite entirely was taking the air from Nick’s lungs. “I need you to help me feel alive.”

“We should maybe talk about that foreboding feeling,” Nick quipped before leaning down and latching onto Louis’ shoulder and sucking just hard enough to leave a tiny bruise. “But let’s start with helping you remember how very alive you are.”

Louis smiled his almost wickedly sharp smile, the one he saved for when he was pleased he got his way and everything was going according to plan. Nick both loved and hated how soft he was for that smile. He would do almost anything to ensure it continued. 

That was when he remembered. This was their last night. This was his last chance to make Louis smile in that particular way all by himself. His heart dropped, but Nick was determined. He might feel like everything was going to change and he might not know the outcome, but he was going to make sure that he etched Louis and every sound he made tonight into his memory. Nick would not forget him like this. 

Pulling back just long enough to shuck off his shirt, Nick leaned over Louis again and smirked.

“I’ll give you the best send off you’ve ever had,” he promised before leaning in for one last bruising, toe curling kiss before he really got to work.

“You better,” Louis said back.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**Early February 2015 (3 Months Before)**

“And here for a bit of a goss, like always, is Sinead! Hello, Sineady!”

“Hello, Grimmy,” Sinead said into the microphone.

“I hear you’ve got some really exciting news for us this morning,” Nick said, shifting excitedly in his seat. “You always come in with the good stuff and keep us up to date, but you wouldn’t even give me a hint on what today’s is about.”

“Oh yeah, well today  _ is _ the good stuff, and I wanted to see your face when I told you because you’re at least somewhat close to the source on this one.”

Nick tilted his head and narrowed his eyes. “Oh? Close to the source how?” 

Nick didn’t like to brag, but he did tend to acquire friends who had a tendency to at least be mentioned in Sinead’s gossip chats. She was kind enough to keep the focus on other things when she could, not wanting Nick to comment too much on his friends’ lives on air when there was only so much he would say (or that was true) anyway, but he was genuinely curious who it might be now.

“Well, as you know, Louis Tomlinson from One Direction has been in a pretty serious relationship with his girlfriend, Gabriella Harris. There’s even been rumors of them moving in together these past few months because she’s always seen around Louis’ house.”

Nick had no idea what to do with his face, so he was fairly certain his weird combination of a nose scrunch, slightly narrowed eyes, and a smile that might look more like a grimace was probably a little jarring for Sinead, but he couldn’t help it. The gossip today was about Louis. He really wished he’d had a warning.

“Right, I’d heard something about that just last week,” Nick lied easily and he was pleased he sounded natural. At least the listeners couldn’t tell he was lying through his teeth. Hopefully.

“Well,” Sinead said dramatically, wide smile on her face, “some photographs just surfaced of Louis making out with a girl in a pool at the hotel the band was staying at.”

Nick’s jaw dropped. He knew that Louis was having to do something about ending the supposed relationship, but he hadn’t realised it was going to be a cheating story. It made it all somehow feel so much more  _ dirty. _ Especially since Louis had been talking to Nick just a few days ago about how happy he was to finally be free of the public girlfriend. Now he was being thrown right into another?

Forcing his brain to work, Nick started asking questions that were legitimately going through his head. “Photographs of what? How did these even come out? Isn’t there high security at the kinds of fancy places they would be staying?”

“Oh yeah, well. These aren’t very  _ good _ photos, but all the same it is definitely Louis Tomlinson and  _ not _ his girlfriend, which brings up even more questions.”

“Right,” Nick agreed, getting kind of into this chat. He was  _ perhaps  _ more invested than he should be, but he hoped it would play off alright for the listeners and his team and that no one would think anything of it. “Like was he  _ cheating? _ I wouldn’t imagine someone like Louis would be a cheater, would you?”

“No, and that’s why it’s finally exciting that this news broke overnight,” Sinead said, leaning forward. “Initial thoughts were that he was cheating on Gabriella, because of everything we were talking about earlier, right? Well, just about an hour ago, we got word that Louis’ representatives put out a statement that said that Louis and Gabriella parted ways amicably a couple of weeks ago and would appreciate privacy as they now try to move forward without the other.”

“Ohhhhh,” Nick said, leaning back in his seat with his eyebrows raised. Well that turned out better than he was expecting, if he was honest. “Well, that’s far more interesting than just a Twitter statement or whatever.”

“It is,” Sinead said, practically cheering. “So, now we have a single Louis who is already looking like he is ready to get back in the market.”

As Sinead moved into her next topic that wasn’t nearly as interesting to Nick, something to do with the meteoric rise in selfies since Instagram, Nick bit his lip and wondered if he should text Louis. He was somewhere in Asia, and Nick was always confused about the time there. 

Pulling up WhatsApp, Nick smiled at the fact that Louis’ thread was at the top of the app. It almost always was. The two of them were nearly constantly texting each other this time around. 

After the disaster of last year when Nick had tried not to text Louis unless Louis texted him first, he decided not to reinstate that particular rule for himself. Louis was too anxious for that kind of behaviour anyway, and really Nick loved his daily banter and texting with Louis. He wanted to have better contact with him so he could try to help Louis from getting as worn down as he had been last year, if possible. He also maybe wasn’t in the habit of denying himself things he wanted, and he had already been denying himself Louis in so many ways, he might as well allow himself this.

That decision had meant that there was rarely a time of day that there weren’t messages flying between the two of them. Sometimes it was Nick talking to himself, and sometimes it was Louis messaging for hours while Nick slept, but it worked and felt almost more natural than when he was chatting with Rita, Alexa, or Harry.

_ Nick: So congratulations are set, I suppose! I hear you’re a single man now _ _   
_ _ Nick: Wasn’t expecting that to be the gossip that Sinead came in with today _

Nick set his phone down, not sure if he should be waiting for a text or not and picked it up again almost immediately when it vibrated.

_ L: Thanks! Those pool photos were a bear to make sure they turned out right, but it was relatively painless _ _   
_ _ L: I’m a free man according to everyone again! _

Nick snorted but texted back quickly.

_ Nick: Yes, but still a straight man _

Biting his lip in an attempt to tamp down his smile when he saw Louis was immediately responding, Nick burst out in laughter when he read Louis’ response.

_ L: Yes, well. We can’t all be perfect. _

“I hate when you do that,” Fiona said, sounding bored. “Are you ready for the callers? We’ve got that game to do for tickets to All Time Low.”

“Of course I’m ready,” Nick said, sticking his tongue out. “I’m always prepared.”

“My arse,” Fiona muttered with a smirk.

Sending her a kiss, Nick turned to his phone when it vibrated again.

_ L: Seriously though, I’m glad it’s over. Back to laying low and not lying. About that, anyway _

Nick smiled softly. He was sure it felt like a weight had lifted. Hopefully this going smoothly would be a good omen for everything else Louis was nervous about heading into tour.

_ Nick: There’s always any number of lies you will have to tell _ _   
_ _ Nick: I’m sure it’s part of your charm or something _

Nick checked the time and puttered about a bit as he waited for Louis to reply. Just before he was about to give up on Louis getting back to him in time, a message came through.

_ L: Thanks for always listening to me. I think that you’re actually my best friend these days, because it’s always you I go to first about shit. Not even Harry anymore. _

Nick would have to think on that a bit more, because he wasn’t sure what to think about the fact he was incredibly fucking pleased to think that he was Louis’ best friend.

_ Nick: I think I might have to say the same to you, but don’t you dare tell young Harold or you’re disowned _

Louis sent back laughing emojis and a thumbs up sign. Yeah, Nick’s secret was safe with him. If Louis came clean about him and Nick being each other’s best friends, there would be so much more he’d have to explain and at this point, Nick needed to come to terms with the fact Louis might never be comfortable with sharing his sexuality with anyone outside of his family. There was nothing wrong with that, it was far from Nick to judge. It wasn’t his life. He could dream of Louis possibly coming clean about being friends with him, though. It would be nice to be able to tell his mates about Louis and the ridiculous things he would do sometimes. 

Even so, he still didn’t regret any of it. As he bit his lip, he had to admit that while the secrets weighed on him, having Louis to himself was more than a worthy trade.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**Late February 2015 (2.5 Months Before)**

_ Nick: I might be doing X Factor with Rita this year _ _   
_ _ Nick: Then you’d get to see my ugly mug even more often as you watch your favourite show _

Nick turned to look at Rita, passed out after her long day of promoting  _ Fifty Shades of Grey,  _ which Nick would honestly be perfectly happy never seeing again. He plucked at her dress he had tried on in a drunken fit earlier and enjoyed the way it made him feel. Maybe he’d have to use some of the fabric for his fashion line. There was a black and white shirt that he hadn’t decided on a fabric for. Maybe this would work. He’d have to ask his contact.

Going back to look over more of the art that had been sent over to approve, he frowned. The jumper with Pig on it didn’t look quite right. He made a note and kept going. 

_ L: The fuck would you do a thing like that for _

Nick rolled his eyes. He felt like he was  _ always _ rolling his eyes when he was talking with Louis. He also had a fond smile on his face, but that was neither here nor there.

_ Nick: Because apparently my day job, a dog, all the side gigs, figuring out my Topman line, and keeping up with my famous friends just wasn’t enough to keep me busy  _

Typing it out like that, he knew the very idea was ridiculous. He knew how demanding the schedule of the show was. It would mean he’d have to give up a lot of the weekend gigs that he enjoyed working too. He didn’t get much of a chance to do additional events anymore considering so many of them required him to be up later than he liked to be with the Breakfast Show, but he’d not have a chance to do more than the odd one if he were to take on the X Factor like he was thinking of doing.

In the end, though, he and Rita had said they were a package deal. It was both of them or neither of them. They just had to decide if it was something they actually wanted to do.

_ L: Well, when you put it like that _ _   
_ _ L: Guess there’s no option other than to sign your life away and go for it _

Nick pushed his laptop away and promised himself to finish looking over what had been sent after he finished in the morning. His meeting with them wasn’t until late afternoon anyway. He flipped off his bedside lamp and settled in beside Rita. It wasn’t often they were in bed before ten when they hung out like this, but she had fallen asleep almost as soon as they’d made themselves comfortable with their recorded trash telly, so he at least didn’t feel guilty about texting Louis now.

_ Nick: Do you really think it would be that big of a mistake? _

Nick worriedly ran his fingers through his hair and scratched at his scalp as he considered more pros and cons of doing the show. He wanted to do it, but was also a bit nervous. Glancing down at his phone, he saw Louis was still typing, which likely meant he kept going back and deleting what he had said. That didn’t really help Nick feel any better about it, if he was honest.

_ L: It’s not that. I just worry it wouldn’t be as positive as an experience as you want it to be. I know you, Grimshaw, and I don’t want you signing up for something that could be nasty for you _

That made Nick pause.

_ Nick: Are you saying you worry about me? _

He wasn’t sure why, but even through the years of worrying over Louis, he had never once considered that it might go both ways. Just the thought of it had a warmth that was slightly disconcerting making its home in his chest, and he didn’t want it there. Not when Louis was never going to be his. 

_ L: I worry about your ability to take care of Pig, more like _

Nick pouted at his phone, but almost immediately another message came through.

_ L: Of course I worry about you. Anyway, what did Harry say when you talked to him about it? _

Narrowing his eyes, Nick considered how to answer. He felt like he was being baited, but also he didn’t have to think too hard. He knew his answer would please Louis.

_ Nick: Wouldn’t know. Haven’t told him yet. Rita and I haven’t talked to anyone about it outside of our teams _

Nick never really talked about this stuff with Harry, anyway. They weren’t like that. On the rare occasion that they’d talk about something of substance with their lives, it was more a summary of what was already happening, not what had the potential for happening. 

And why was he sharing the possibility of doing the X Factor with Louis anyway? He took this sort of thing to Henry. Pixie. Aimee, Alexa, sometimes even Scott or Greg. Literally any of his friends that he saw in person on a regular basis. He didn’t share this kind of thing with Louis. They often had so many other things to discuss, he never really thought about it.

Thinking it through more, though, Nick realised that had been changing more recently. He and Louis were talking so consistently now, that sometimes Nick told Louis before he even told Eileen when something happened in his life. Maybe he should talk to his mum tomorrow. Then again, he might have to remind her what the X Factor was. She always chose to watch Antiques Roadshow instead, so she might not remember the X Factor exists.

_ L: Well, if you want to do it, then I say go for it. Make sure you’re ready to fight for your life, though.  _ _   
_ _ L: I can’t save you when it all goes wrong if I’m touring _

Sighing happily at the reminder that Louis cared, even just as a friend, Nick looked at the time and realised it was far too late for him to be awake still. The morning was going to be rough, but at least he’d already gotten ready for bed. No breakouts would mar his face due to poor self care.

_ Nick: Noted. Night, Lou. Thanks for the support. _

_ L: Night, Nicholas. Don’t let me hear the official word from Harry if you decide to do it. _

Plugging in his phone, Nick nodded. He wouldn’t dream of it.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**Early March 2015 (2 Months Before)**

_ L: Can I call? _

Nick looked around the meeting room he was in. He was early because he didn’t expect the Tube to actually be running on time after weeks of delays. Luckily they told him the meeting room was open and that he could stay there until his meeting with the Topman legal staff.

_ Nick: Sure. Waiting for a meeting to start, though, so I don’t have long _

His phone rang almost immediately and Nick smiled. 

“Hello, darling,” Nick said, sounding absolutely smug as he played up his accent and everything. “It almost feels like you couldn’t  _ wait _ to hear my voice. I can’t help but feel a bit pleased at this development, I must say.”

“Fuck off,” Louis said, chuckling, but the laughter didn’t disguise the tension in Louis’ voice. “I called right away because you don’t have long and I have a lot to just...get off my chest I guess.”

“Oh, well, go for it, love.”

Nick settled into his seat ready for a phone call full of placating Louis’ worries and humming to ensure Louis knew he was still listening. It had happened a couple of times already this tour, and he didn’t mind in the least. He was getting to be a pro with it, actually, and that made his heart warm a bit more than maybe it should.

Louis sighed and Nick couldn’t help but wonder what look was on his face at the moment. Was he biting his lip as he looked off into space with a furrowed brow? Was he scrubbing his face with his hand? Pulling on his hair? He didn’t like not being able to read Louis’ physical cues to know exactly how distressed he was, but he knew just hearing him speak would be enough soon.

“I’m worried about Zayn.”

Nick waited for more, but it didn’t come.

“Oh, well. Worried about him in what way?”

“Like, he’s not...here. He’s  _ here,  _ but he’s not really mentally present, if that makes sense? It’s like he’s already gone.”

“Oh,” Nick said, kind of surprised. “Well I do feel like that’s somewhat to be expected. It’s how anyone gets at the end of a job, right? Put in your notice and it’s like you’ve already checked out.”

“Yeah, but it’s more than that,” Louis said, and Nick could hear how Louis was pondering every word he said here. It was like his words were more crisp, more curated. It was almost his interview voice coming out showing off his elocution lessons rather than the sloppy northern feel Nick was used to. “I don’t think he’s doing well.”

The way Louis said it, like he was trying to infuse his words with so much meaning, had a cold feeling trickle down Nick’s spine. 

Slowly, Nick asked, “Are we talking physically? Emotionally? Like, not doing well in what way?”

Whispering, Louis said, “I’m not sure he’s doing well in  _ any _ way. I’m scared, Nick, but I don’t know what to do.”

“Fuck,” Nick whispered and scraped his hand against his face. He really wasn’t expecting it to be this heavy at two on a Wednesday. “I think maybe he needs to know you’re still there for him, even if he’s leaving, you know? Maybe he needs support from you. Is there anything you can do to show him you’re still friends? You’re still there even if he’s not fully there anymore?”

Louis hummed. “You might be right. We’ve all been kind of tip-toeing around him the last week or so because he’s been acting off and usually that means he needs his space, but maybe he needs the opposite right now.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Nick said.

“Thanks,” Louis said, sounding more relaxed and determined than he had before. He also sounded tired, but that wasn’t new. It was tour, after all. “You’re a good friend, Nick.”

“You’re the first to ever tell me that,” Nick said, being silly, and he somehow knew Louis was sticking his tongue out at him right now. Or flicking him off. Probably flicking him off.

“I’m sure,” Louis said, laughing. “Truly, though. Thank you.”

Right then, the door opened and multiple men in suits came walking in. 

“You’re very welcome,” Nick said, knowing he needed to end the call. “My meeting is starting now, though, so I’ll talk to you later. Good luck. I hope it helps.”

“Me, too. Bye, love.”

Nick ended the call and shoved it in his pocket so he could stand and shake hands with everyone, but he couldn’t help it. He was hearing the softly spoken _ Bye, love _ in Louis’ gentle rasp on repeat.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**Late March 2015 (1.5 Months Before)**

“Hullo?” Nick croaked into the phone. 

Nick really needed to start putting his phone on do not disturb when he went to bed at night. Then again, if he were to do that, he would have a few numbers that were the exception, and the person calling right now was one of them, so it wouldn’t have helped him at all. The thought was still one to consider, though. 

What bloody time was it anyway? It had to be early. It was pitch black and his first alarm hadn’t even gone off yet. 

There still hadn’t been a response. Clearing his throat, Nick tried again. “Louis?”

“Zayn’s gone.”

Nick blinked furiously in the dark and tried to clear the cobwebs from his mind, because this felt important. Especially with Louis’ laboured breathing in the background.

“Zayn’s gone?” Nick repeated stupidly, wishing that this would somehow start to make some sense. At the moment, it felt like everything was in code and he didn’t have the means to translate it.

“Yeah. He just left the tour. He’s going home. Calling it stress leave, but he’s pretty determined he isn’t coming back.”

Louis’ voice was going high from the stress and he was talking faster and louder than Nick could keep up with and  _ God _ he needed a coffee.

“Woah, woah, woah,” Nick said, actually holding his hand out like it would make a difference to Louis who was like halfway around the world or something. “Hold on, I’m still trying to process what’s going on and the time and shit. Let me at least get out of bed so I feel like I’m alive, okay?”

“Yeah, okay. Sorry for calling, I just…” Louis’ voice drifted off and Nick sighed.

“It really is okay,” Nick said. He tried clearing his throat again, as he threw the duvet off of himself and climbed out of bed. The chill of the floor on his bare feet was doing a lot to help him feel more awake, thank goodness.

Nick pulled on his glasses and looked at the clock. His alarm would be going off in just twenty minutes anyway. He might as well go and start the coffee.

“Okay, so try telling me all over again, but maybe speak slower this time.” Nick shrugged on a cardigan and dragged himself to the kitchen, but Louis wasn’t speaking. He was definitely still there and his breathing didn’t sound as laboured as it did before, which was good, but he wasn’t speaking “Lou?”

“Yeah, sorry,” Louis apologised, and Nick could almost imagine him shaking his head. “I just… we’ve been preparing for this, you know? Like, you know as well as I do that he was going to leave the band. And I  _ told _ you I didn’t think he was doing well. But we didn’t think he’d just fucking  _ leave…”  _

“Fuck,” Nick said, once the implications of all of it settled in on him. “So you don’t think he’s coming back before the end of the leg? It’s not that much longer, right? I thought you guys would be home in a few weeks.”

The coffee wafting into the air was helping his brain process things a little faster, but he still felt like the situation didn’t make any sense. He could only imagine what Louis was feeling.

“I really don’t,” Louis whispered. “They’re calling it stress leave, and management are still trying to get him to join us again before we finish Asia, but there were issues we were running into with the Philippines to begin with and he’s literally boarding a flight home, so is the flight out here really worth it for just the one show left after Manila before going down to South Africa? You know? Like, it’s doable, but I just… no. I think we just did our last show as a band of five.”

Nick didn’t really know what to say. “When is the news going out? About the stress leave, I mean?”

“Not sure,” Louis said. “There’s already reports out there about Zayn’s flight, I guess, so probably soon. My bet is it’ll be the big gossip on your show today.”

Nick nodded despite Louis not being able to see. “I’m sure. Sinead will be going mad with it.” Blowing air out with his cheeks puffed up, Nick looked around his kitchen. He should sit down. “How long until it’s trending? Think that’ll happen before the show starts or should I pretend like all is well with the world and let the bottom fall out when someone else brings it to my attention?”

“I dunno,” Louis groaned. “I’m still trying to get my head on straight, because it sounds like I will literally only be allowed into the Philippines to do the shows, so I’ll have to fly in for them and shit rather than staying the night, and we have to make sure we’re completely ready to redistribute Zayn’s parts and…”

“Hey,” Nick interrupted, knowing that Louis’ mind was going a mile a minute towards panicking over everything they needed to do for damage control. “It’ll be fine. You guys will be great.”

Louis took a deep breath and blew it out again. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. You’ve got a couple of days, but Harry sent me a video of Liam trying to hit Zayn’s high note like last week or something, so I know you guys have been working on all of that already. You know these songs like the back of your hand. It’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like we’re completely ready. We’re filming shit right now before heading to Manila and we’ve got to have the concert ready to go by then. It’s not enough time. It’s why we were supposed to have two  _ months _ off before our first concert without him, not two  _ days.” _

Nick scratched at his scalp before getting up to finally pour himself a cup of coffee. “I know, but needs must, right?” 

Louis huffed, but didn’t say anything, so Nick took a scalding sip and walked back to sit down at the table. Before he got there, Pig finally made an appearance and whined at the door. He let her into the garden before finally taking his seat.

“Listen. You’re going to be fine. It might be rough for a little while, but I bet the fans don’t care. They’ll love it and scream for all of you and throw their bras anyway.”

Louis snorted and there was some rustling on the line before Nick heard Louis whispering something. 

“Hey, I’ve gotta go. The filming thing I was talking about…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Nick said, waving his hand despite Louis not being able to see him. “You get to work, no lazing about for you.”

Louis chuckled, and Nick felt proud.

“You feeling alright now, though?” Nick asked cautiously. He didn’t want to send Louis back if Louis was still on the verge of a panic attack like it sounded he might have been initially.

“Better than before, thank you. Would it be alright if I called again later tonight?”

Pursing his lips, Nick thought through his schedule for the day. “I’m actually meeting with a few different people from legal as well as my manager to figure some things out, so text before you call to be sure I’m able to talk. I don’t fancy trying to speak in code about things I’m not supposed to know yet.”

“Sounds good,” Louis said softly. “Thanks again. I appreciate you answering even though it’s arse o’clock in the morning. You’re a great friend.”

The words were everything Nick had been hearing for months now, so he wasn’t sure what the issue was now. They somehow pinched a nerve just to the left of his heart, like his lungs suddenly hurt to breathe or something.

“Of course I am,” Nick finally responded, attempting to lighten things at the end. “Now get out there and show everyone why they love you.”

Louis chuckled. “Will do, will do.”

They hung up and Nick stared into his coffee trying to figure out why hearing Louis call him a good friend was something to be hurt over. Hell, they had only recently talked about being best friends, and they  _ were _ friends. He had been so pleased the first time Louis mentioned it to him.

But now, for whatever reason, it hurt. Nick had an inkling of why, but he refused to be jealous. He refused to long for something that was outside his possibilities. He better get damn well used to being Louis’ friend, because that was all he was ever going to be.

Nick took a sip and started thinking about how much he wanted to be sure Louis was okay. Things were changing even faster than they had originally anticipated and Louis didn’t do well when things didn’t go according to plan. Not when they were big things. For being a fairly chill person regarding schedules in general, Louis did rely on overall plans with a fervency that initially took Nick by surprise. He’d come to love that about Louis, though.

Nick froze, elbows on his kitchen table, coffee mug in hand.  _ Love. _ He  _ loved _ Louis. That was why it hurt to hear Louis call him a friend. 

Fuck. Nick practically crashed his mug against the table, spilling his drink all over in his haste to stand up and start pacing. 

Of course he loved Louis. Look at everything they’d been building for almost three years now. Shit, it would be three years next month. How hadn’t he recognised the signs before? This was, in a way, the longest relationship Nick had ever been in. He’d had boyfriends before, of course, but honestly as soon as they’d started getting serious in any way, Nick always mucked it up. Either he would distance himself because he felt like the boyfriend was more invested than he was, or it wasn’t good timing with his career and being closeted and all that, or  _ something.  _ But now…

Now everything was different. Nick was out, he wasn’t the one closeted. Louis was. Louis also was interested in someone other than him and, as he stated so easily earlier, he only saw Nick as a friend. So of course Nick had to bloody well fall in love with him. The perfect, unattainable man. He’s a beautiful popstar out there living his perfectly famous life as he galivants around the globe with his perfect bandmates and Nick was just left here. Pining after a man who would never want him like that.

Nick startled when his alarm started to blare, and he realised it was time to start getting ready for work. Pig scratched at the door, ready to be let in and have her breakfast now, so he took care of her before heading to the bathroom. Hopefully a shower and a fancy coffee he could grab on the way to the studio would be enough to distract him over this unfortunate development for the next oh… forever. 

At least there was one good thing to come out of this revelation. With his mind being taken with how the hell exactly he’d landed himself in love with Louis Tomlinson, he had no concerns over accidentally dropping the bomb that Zayn had left the band.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**Early April 2015 (29 Days Before)**

Nick shoved his headphones in and threw himself back into the seat of the car and pouted. He knew he was being ridiculous, but honestly. It felt like everyone was singing and playing love songs. It made sense, he supposed. It was spring, which meant everything was blossoming and weather was getting warmer and all those couples that had gotten together over the winter were starting to come out of hibernation. They were  _ so damn excited _ to show everyone how in love they were. 

Good for them. Nick really wished they would just fuck right off.

He never usually minded it. He rarely paid much attention to it in the past, and when he did, he’d just gag a little at them teasingly and secretly feel fond over everyone finding love. This year, though, Nick had found love and that love just… did not feel the same.

The current Ellie Goulding hit was playing so loudly, thanks to his driver, that Nick could still hear it through his attempt to blast the old Arctic Monkeys album. He turned his own volume up louder and narrowed his eyes. Why the bloody hell was there so much traffic on a Tuesday afternoon? Nick could probably get home faster walking.

Why walk when he could pout in the back of a car, though?

Nick wasn’t usually this bad, and he could admit he’d been more grumpy than usual. He was nothing if not self aware. He just felt like everyone was trying to flaunt their love and happiness in front of him and no one could even know that he was secretly sitting there, wishing Louis could love him back.

Rolling his eyes at himself, Nick decided right then that he would try not to be so bitter. He’d get over his  _ thing _ for Louis soon as he saw him and Harry together, he was sure of it. Louis hadn’t mentioned anything about talking to Harry recently, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t happen any day now. 

Even if Harry was in LA or something while Louis was reportedly in London. Apparently all of them were trying their hand at writing their own songs with various songwriters so they could get most of the songwriting done and some of the recording started before having to get back on tour. 

Traffic finally started moving when once again Nick’s attempt at wallowing as he drowned in  _ Suck It And See _ was interrupted, but this time the interruption was much more welcome.

“Aimee!” Nick said as cheerfully as he could manage, fake smile on his face and everything. He could see his own reflection in the window, and while the smile looked a bit too wide and his eyes a bit too tired, he overall thought he still managed to pull off a carefree air.

“Grim, you are alive!”

Scrunching his nose a bit, Nick looked away from the window. “What do you mean? Of course I’m alive. If you were all that worried you could have texted me earlier or, oh I don’t know, listened to my show? It’s every morning on that station a few people know as Radio 1.”

“Oh fuck right off,” Aimee said, and it was sharper than he was used to hearing from her. “It’s not like I haven’t been trying to reach out to you, Grim. You just have been avoiding all of us.”

Nick gasped. “Excuse you, I have not been avoiding anybody.”

“Yes you have, stop using excuses.”

“I’ve been legitimately busy, thank you very much,” Nick said, hand to chest. He couldn’t believe he was being attacked in this way. Today really was a shit day, and to make it worse, it looked like the sky had decided to full on rain finally. “I’m sorry that I haven’t been available for mid-day meet-ups with all the meetings I’ve had. Between the clothing line and X Factor and extra gigs for work and various promotions coming into Big Weekend, things have been a bit crazy and a man’s got to sleep at some point. I’m not really sure what you’re wanting me to say.”

“Exactly!” Aimee cried out followed quickly by, “You’re hiding a man from us, we know you are.”

Nick shook his head, mouth wide open and other arm in the air. He knew she couldn’t see him, but he truly couldn’t come up with the words to explain what he was feeling. He could not keep up with her thought process. She was making leaps everywhere and he was not following.

“A man?” Nick finally asked, brows furrowed. “What the fuck got you to that conclusion?” 

“You always keep them secret at first, and we get it. Privacy and all that combined with early days in a relationships, etcetera etcetera etcetera. We’re used to that, and this one seemed to be doing you pretty well because you were  _ so happy,  _ Grim. You were the happiest we’d seen you in ages back in January. But then you started moping around and throwing yourself into work and here we are. You have been hiding a man from us. Did you break up? Is that what’s been going on?”

“Oh my God,” Nick groaned, scrubbing at his face. “I’m unfriending all of you. I need new mates. You are so far off base, I cannot even begin to explain.”

“If there wasn’t a man, then why are you moping?”

“I’m not moping!” Nick cried out before apologising to the driver. He needed to work on keeping his voice down. “I swear to you, I’m not. I’ve just gotten the opportunity to do a lot of amazing things all at once and I’m tired. I’m not avoiding anyone or anything, I swear it.”

Aimee sighed. “Well, you need to talk to us more. You need to let us be your friend, babes.”

“I am, though?” Nick said, lifting his voice as if it were a question. “I’m entirely lost where I’ve made you think you aren’t my friends. Do you not have keys to my place? Have you not watched Pig for me while I’ve gone on weekend gigs and such?”

“Yeah, but you’ve not really talked to any of us in ages. We’re worried about you.”

Ah. There it was. The real reason behind all of this. “Are you guys actually worried or are you just sad that I’ve not been supplying you with goss?”

“Both, I suppose.”

“Well I’ll work on more goss for you, but honestly it’s been a bit dry lately. I’ve not had any to share since I’ve been so busy. But I will try and actually talk to all of you more, okay?”

“Fine,” Aimee said, sighing. “When will we see you next, though?”

Rolling his eyes, Nick said, “I don’t know, love. I really am quite busy right now. I swear that I’ll send you some dates once I’ve had a look at my diary, alright?”

“You’re such a big shot you have to pencil in your friends,” Aimee tutted. “Just be sure you aren’t neglecting yourself, okay? You have to make sure that you’re actually getting rest and all that. It’s important, yeah?”

“I will,” Nick said, though he felt the promise was a bit hollow. He had been trying to take care of himself, but it wasn’t making him feel any better. When it came down to it, he just really missed Louis, but there wasn’t much he could do to change that, could he? Until he could find a way to fall out of love with him, he would just make do with keeping busy.

They hung up just as the car pulled to the kerb in front of Nick’s flat, and he thanked the driver before climbing out and dashing through the spring rain to his front step. He unlocked the door as quickly as he could, and rushed inside out of the rain. It didn’t matter. He was still sopping. He’d definitely need to change clothes before heading down to sign the updated paperwork for the X Factor. He still wondered if it was the right choice, but if nothing else, he could say it was another item off his list of life goals. Breakfast Show, check. Design a clothing line, check. Be a mentor for an up and coming singer, check.

If only the rest of his life was falling in line.

“Piggie,” Nick called, whistling and wondering why the hell his dog didn’t always greet him at the door. Wasn’t that some sort of dog requirement? She did some days, but others she refused. All he wanted was a companion to fawn over him and love him unconditionally. Was that so much to ask? “Pig dog, where are you, darling?”

When Nick turned into the living room, he found the reason Pig hadn’t welcomed him. Louis was sound asleep on the couch, Pig draped over him. She happily panted her welcome to Nick, but refused to move. Bloody traitor. He couldn’t blame her, though.

He took in Louis’ exhausted form, and couldn’t help but smile. He’d missed him so much. The flat always felt empty, no matter how many people were crushed inside, when Louis wasn’t there. That being said, though, Louis would really regret sleeping for too long on the couch. He needed to move somewhere he could fully stretch out and get comfortable.

“Lou,” Nick said, softly shaking Louis’ shoulder. “Love, let’s at least get you to bed. You’ll feel better sleeping there.”

Louis groggily opened his eyes and gave Nick a soft smile that made his chest squeeze a little. It was nothing, just his heart malfunctioning. No big deal.

“Hey, sorry for just coming over without saying anything. I meant to text,” Louis said, voice rough from disuse. 

Nick wondered how long Louis had already been there, but didn’t bother to ask. “It’s alright, you’re always welcome here. You know that. Let’s just get you to bed, yeah?”

Louis stretched and sat up on the couch. “I really didn’t mean to fall asleep. I’ve got a writing camp to go to in a couple days, just wanted to see you before we left.”

“It’s alright,” Nick said, happy Louis wanted to see him. He’d take what he could get, and he didn’t even want to consider how pathetic and desperate that made him. “Nice to see you’re still alive even with all the stress of the last several weeks.”

Louis snorted and stood slowly, groaning. 

“I’ve got a meeting this afternoon anyway. Just came home to take care of Piggie before heading over there, though I’ve got to get changed now too thanks to the rain.”

“What meeting?” Louis asked, yawning into his hand as he slowly padded down the hall.

“Got to sign some papers for X Factor,” Nick admitted, feeling a bit unsure how Louis would take the news. He hadn’t seemed too keen earlier, but Nick really was fairly excited for the chance. 

“Good on you, love,” Louis said with a yawn. “I’ll just sleep while you’re gone and you can wake me up when you get back, yeah? And no worries about Pig. I let her out when I first got here. She’s fine.”

Nick sighed, watching as Louis peeled off his outer layers, leaving only his socks, boxers, and t-shirt, before climbing onto his side of the bed and giving Nick a sleepy smile.

“Thanks, love. Rest well.”

Nick changed out of the clothes that were sticking to him and watched as Louis quickly fell back to sleep. He was glad that Louis felt comfortable in his flat, but he still was a bit confused. Didn’t Louis have his own home? He always had excuses for not going there and Nick didn’t want to complain, but it did seem that if Louis never spent time there, then there was no home it would ever feel like his safe place.

Then again. Nick  _ did _ like being Louis’ safe place.

Sighing and getting back to himself, Nick hurriedly pulled on a nice shirt and a new pair of socks before rushing out the door. He already knew the X Factor powers that be didn’t care for tardiness, and he didn’t want to anger them further.

He didn’t even notice the fact that this time around, when the love ballads came on the radio, he didn’t mind so much.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**Late April 2015 (13 Days Before)**

Louis was bouncing off the walls and Nick had no idea what to do about it.

“I hate jogging, but I think I need to do something. Harry and Liam jog all the time, I could never get into it. If your dog wasn’t so damn recognisable, I’d take her to the park myself and see if that helps make it more interesting. I’ve got so much energy!”

Nick watched Louis pace the living room again.

“I can see that,” he said, trying to sound as droll and bored as possible. He loved it, though. It was like Louis’ energy was infusing him with energy.

He’d loved having Louis around so much for that reason. Louis would leave for a few days here or there, but he’d come to Nick’s directly from the airport a few weeks back and other than the writing camps and the footie match shit, he was pretty much always around. 

“I’m serious,” Louis said, lifting his eyebrows and pushing his fringe out of his face. It was getting long enough it almost looked like it was resting and caressing Louis’ cheekbones. 

Nick needed to stop thinking about Louis’ hair like that or he was likely to get jealous. He couldn’t allow himself to be jealous of Louis’ own fucking hair, so obviously that thought process needed to be cut off immediately.

“I understand you are, and believe me, I can see it. Ever since the match a few days ago, you’ve been like Pig when she’s stuck inside too much.”

Louis nodded and held his hand out. “See? That’s why it would be perfect if I could take her to the park. Too bad I can’t risk it.”

“Yes, can’t have people thinking we are friendly in any way, can we?” Nick teased, smiling even though it hurt a little. 

Rolling his eyes, Louis stopped pacing and put his hands on his hips. “You know, if things were different…”

Nick waved him off and looked back at his laptop. “I know, love. I didn’t say that to be mean, I was only teasing.”

Smile sharp, Louis said, “Yeah, I know. A bit of banter is all, right?”

“Exactly,” Nick said, watching as Louis went to the kitchen to make another tea. It could be soothing for him, but it also would just be adding to his caffeine levels, and Nick wasn’t sure that was the best idea.

Even so, he had his own worries to think about. His manager had just sent him more dates to add regarding the X Factor and he was starting to get a little stressed. Things were ramping up with the clothing line just at the same time X Factor was going to start getting a bit crazy, and he maybe didn’t take that into account.

“Did I tell you about the last songwriting session?” Louis called from the kitchen.

Nick froze. Louis had  _ not.  _ In fact, he’d been coy and teasing about it. Usually, songwriting seemed to feed Louis and made him so excited. He would tell Nick about all the ideas they’d come up with and worked on, how certain songs had started really coming together, and so on. The one he’d had a few weeks ago, though, he’d come home and refused to say anything.

“You told me, and I quote, ‘It’s a secret, Nicholas,’ so no. You have not,” Nick answered, trying to crane his neck in a way that would show him a reflection of Louis on his large, windowed doors. “Are you only going to tease me some more, or are you actually going to tell me about it?”

Louis came around the corner carrying two mugs and set one down on the coffee table by Nick’s feet. It was just the right colour, which told Nick Louis made it perfectly for him. As if he wasn’t pining over Louis enough already. Now he finally had perfected Nick’s tea.

Once Louis had settled beside Nick on the couch, feet curled up beneath him, Louis gave him a smile. “Well, I’m still not going to give you details, but I will tell you a little bit.”

Louis slurped at the tea and winced when it was still too hot. Nick sighed. Of course it was too hot, he’d just finished making it. Tutting, Nick took the mug from Louis and set it on the coffee table as well so Louis wouldn’t be tempted to take another burning sip.

“Okay, so tell me.”

Nick made a show of taking his laptop, closing it, and setting it down beside him so Louis knew he had his full attention.

Louis was chewing his lip and had the sleeves of Nick’s jumper he’d stolen that morning pulled over his hands, but instead of nerves, he looked bright and excited. 

“We finished writing a song,” Louis said, smile wide. “Me and Liam. Think it’s really good. Started recording the basics too, and the other lads liked it. Hoping to get their vocals on it and everything in the next week to see how it all turns out.”

“Oh, that’s great,” Nick said leaning back into the cushions. “What’s it about?”

Louis smirked, and then said, “That’s something I’m not ready to tell you about yet.”

Nick studied Louis’ face, and he could tell there was more he wanted to say. “Oh, just say it already.” Nick repositioned himself so he was facing Louis as well. “You’ve got my full attention, don’t you? I know you want to talk. Just talk. Let it all out. You never seemed to care if I was ready or not before, so just get on with it.”

Louis stuck his tongue out, but settled into the couch a bit more as well. Tangling their feet together and staring at them, Louis said, “I think we’re getting there with feeling confident. Like, without Zayn I mean.”

Raising his brows, Nick nodded slowly. Louis hadn’t wanted to talk about Zayn since he’d gotten back a few weeks ago. Nick hadn’t been sure if it was because Louis preferred doing it when Nick couldn’t see him or if the emotions were still too raw from it all happening as it did, but if he wanted to do it now, he was more than willing to listen.

Picking up the tea and blowing on it, Louis seemed to consider his next words. “We just… It feels like we’re back on our original schedule now, you know? This is how it was supposed to go at this point, so it feels like solid ground again after swimming and nearly drowning for a bit there. It’s nice to feel sure of myself again.”

Nick could feel his face softening into a small grin, and he could do nothing to stop it. Not that he wanted to. “I’m glad to hear that. That’s one of my favourite things about you.”

Louis looked up sharply. They didn’t usually talk about this kind of thing, mostly because that’s not the kind of relationship they had. Nick figured they could switch things up every now and then, though.

“What is?” Louis asked. His eyes were a clear blue and showed just how earnest he was for the answer.

“Your sense of self.”

Louis snorted. “You, of all people, should know I am anything but sure of myself. Hell, that’s why we started talking in the first place, right? I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted and needed to figure it out.”

Shaking his head, Nick sat up and moved closer to Louis. “That’s not true at all, though.”

Looking down into his tea, Louis tried to speak. “Nick-”

“No, listen.” Nick slid further into Louis’ space and forced him to look back into his eyes. “You were questioning one aspect of yourself. One piece of the whole. That doesn’t change who you are. What’s important to you.  _ That _ you already had figured out, and you never lost it. Yes, I did my best to help with that one part, but the rest? You held onto it harder than most people I’ve met in the music or film industry.”

Louis didn’t drop his eyes this time, and Nick waited for him to say something. The only sound he could hear for a few moments was Pig sleeping in the kitchen.

“I haven’t felt very sure,” Louis admitted, almost on a whisper. “I felt like the only thing that was always there other than my mum was you.”

Nick wanted to lean in and give Louis a strong kiss. Something to show everything he felt and knew to be true about this man through that one passionate touch. 

He couldn’t do that, though. It wasn’t his right. He would accept anything Louis wanted to give him, but he would not take advantage and force Louis to give Nick something with emotional depth and weight he wasn’t ready for. Something he was saving for Harry.

Reaching out and almost touching Louis’ cheek before realising even  _ that _ felt too intimate at the moment, Nick settled his hand on Louis’ shoulder and squeezed it. 

“You had the other guys too, right?” Nick finally said. “And your fans. And the rest of your family.” 

Louis took a shuddering breath and nodded. 

“You have so much more than you realise. But yes, I’ll always be here for you. I’m just glad you’ve come to feel more sure of yourself and your own strength too.”

“Thanks, Nick,” Louis whispered.

Nick smiled, and once again felt himself leaning in, so he cleared his throat and shifted back out of Louis’ personal space. He hadn’t even realised how close they had gotten, and he needed to clear his head. He couldn’t do that while he was too close to Louis.

Pushing his glasses up, Nick picked up his laptop. “Unfortunately, as much as I’d love to entertain you for the rest of the afternoon, I really do have to get back to some people.”

“That’s fine,” Louis said, smiling. He took a sip of his tea, and hummed happily. “Think I’ll finish this then go outside with Pig for a smoke.”

Nick watched Louis stand up and call for Pig, who immediately woke from her slumber and started to bark around Louis’ feet. 

It had been nice having Louis back for so long, but Nick really needed him to leave again. He could feel himself falling for him more and more each day, and he wasn’t sure his heart was going to be able to handle it when Louis eventually left.

Because that was one thing Nick could always count on. Physically  _ and  _ emotionally, Louis was always going to leave.


	7. 2015 part 2

**Early May (2 Hours After)**

Nick was about to check on the status of his car when his phone dinged. Checking into it, he saw it was a Google alert. Nick really was regretting setting those last year, but he never could bring himself to change them. Quickly tapping on it, sure it wasn’t going to be anything important, Nick almost dropped his phone when he saw the headlines.

_ Louis Tomlinson’s Phone Hacked  _

_ Louis Tomlinson’s Big Gay Scandal! _

They went on and on and Nick’s heart was starting to beat so hard he couldn’t hear clearly. Shaking, Nick sat down on the nearest surface, which happened to be a stool that was supposed to be there for aesthetic, but he was very grateful for the purchase now.

Swallowing harshly, Nick was about to click on one of the links when his phone started ringing.

It was Harry.

Swallowing as best he could, Nick tried his best to sound normal, but knew he was fucked when his voice broke. “Heya, Harold.”

There were all sorts of voices in the background until Nick heard a door close and then it was silence. That felt more ominous than anything, if he was being honest.

“Hey, Louis asked me to call you…”

Harry drifted off, and Nick’s blood ran cold. It was true, then. All the headlines and things weren’t just a sick daydream he’d had. Louis was dealing with all of this and he’d actually asked Harry to call Nick. The fact Harry was the one talking to him was what made him realise the situation was about as bad as it could be.

“I saw some of the headlines just now,” Nick admitted slowly, unsure what Harry wanted him to say. “Is he alright?”

Harry let out a laugh that was more harsh than usual. That alone told Nick how much Harry was trying to hold inside. 

“Not exactly, but he’s just been outed when not even his own band and fucking best friends knew he wasn’t straight, so I’m not sure I expect him to be. And yet, for some reason I don’t understand, you’re the first person he asked for.”

Nick closed his eyes and rubbed at his chest. He knew Harry would be mad, but he hadn’t expected his passive aggressive verbal lashing to hurt quite so bad. Then again, he thought Harry would have more time to come to terms with the fact Louis and Nick had kept their relationship a secret before needing to reach out to Nick. He’d figured Harry would be so caught up in exploring the brand new relationship with Louis that he would push the potential for anger aside and talk with Nick about it later. 

He’d thought a lot of things. None of that mattered now. The worst that could have happened had.

“Sorry. I just… He’s asking for you. I know it’s a lot, especially because we’re in LA, but-”

“I’ll come,” Nick interrupted, standing up and feeling like he could control  _ something _ for the first time in five minutes. “I’ll catch the first flight out that I can get. Just tell me where to go once I get there and tell him I’ll be there as soon as possible, okay?”

Harry sighed. “Thanks. His phone’s been turned off for his own protection, and the guys are trying to calm him down between meetings with management and PR, but I’ll let him know.”

“Fuck,” Nick muttered. “Okay. I’m coming. I’ll catch the next flight I can, but I’m not sure when that’ll be.”

“Thanks,,” Harry said. “You have a lot to explain when you get here, but just… hurry, okay? He really needs you.”

“Yeah. I’ve gotta go. Got to make calls about work, wake up Scott and Chris, all that.”

“Sure. See you.”

Nick hung up and immediately grabbed his luggage and started tossing random things inside. He didn’t even care what he packed, really. All that mattered was that he let everyone know he couldn’t make it in and wouldn’t be back for several days. And booked his flight. Fuck, he’s got to book a flight.

Mind whirling in a panic as to what all he needed to do as well as the constant fizzing beneath his skin reminding him to do it all as quickly as possible, Nick almost forgot about the car that would be waiting to take him to work. 

“Fuck fuck fucking fuck,” Nick muttered when he got the text they were there. He quickly chatted with Martin, the driver, before trying to remember what he’d been in the middle of when he had been interrupted.

Looking at his suitcase, he realised his ridiculous packing job was as good as it was going to get. He quickly threw on clothes that he hoped were clean, grabbed his passport out of the carry on he still hadn’t unpacked from a quick trip he’d taken for a weekend in May, then kissed Pig dog and ran out to the car.

As soon as he was seated, he texted every single friend he knew that was in town explaining he was going out of town unexpectedly and needed someone to care for Piggie. He couldn’t remember who was on holiday or in town or anything as his brain didn’t seem to be able to recall those sorts of details at the moment, so he just sent the same message to everyone.

Finally feeling like everything he could take care of was done, Nick leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes when he heard the radio playing in the background. Martin knew Nick worked at Radio 1, so he was kind enough to tune in to his station whenever he gave him a ride.

“Shit, work.” Eyes popping open, Nick grabbed his phone again. He’d gotten so distracted with his need to pack and purchase a trans-Atlantic flight at last minute that he hadn’t remembered to call in.

“You’re running late again, aren’t you?” Producer Liam asked. It sounded like he was teasing, but Nick felt awful having to let him down. 

“I’m literally about to call Scott, so if you could call Chris, I’d appreciate it. I know it’s shit and I know it’s not professional, but it’s an emergency. I’m so sorry. I’m not going to be able to make it in today and probably won’t be in the rest of the week.”

“You’re supposed to interview Tom Hiddleston,” Liam said, sounding dazed. “Like, he’s going to be here in three hours.”

“I know, but at that point I’m going to be on a plane, hopefully somewhere over the ocean,” Nick said, leaning over and rubbing his forehead. “I need to hang up with you and call Scott so there’s a hope he’ll be in on time for the production meeting, alright? I’ll explain later, if I’m able, but for now just know I won’t be in. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, okay.” Liam sighed. “I hope everything’s okay, sorry for whatever happened. Be safe.”

“Thanks, mate. Talk to you soon.”

Nick hung up and immediately rang Scott. He had to call him three times before he finally answered, but just like Nick hoped, he agreed almost immediately and was already getting up to rush out the door.

All plans made as best he could at the moment, Nick sighed and fell back into his seat. He felt antsy with energy he didn’t know how to handle. It was like he’d been running at full speed with so much to do that now it was all handled, he didn’t know what to do with himself. And now he was going to have an entire gazillion hour long flight like this too. 

Maybe the flight would have internet. That would be nice. 

For the first time since he first heard the news, Nick thought about the fact Louis’ phone was hacked. Fuck. What did he have on there that outed him? Photos, right? Had he read that, or was he just making it up?

Nick didn’t want to look up the articles and give them hits. It would be massive news everywhere, and he didn’t want to add to all the shit he knew was probably being published. He only wanted news from the source. 

That got him thinking, though. What if  _ his _ phone had been the one that was hacked? He knew he wasn’t likely to be interesting or famous enough for that to happen, but he supposed it  _ could. _ What kind of damning evidence did he have in his camera roll?

Nick pulled up his photos and began to scroll. Besides the shit ton of selfies and a million photos of Pig, he had various photos of the art galleries he’d gone to with Alexa when she was considering a new painting, several from random trips home, and all sorts of mundane things that defined his life. 

What would definitely be of interest to people, though, were the photos he had of Louis as well. Some were just photos he’d saved from Louis’ social media accounts, but most were of Louis playing with Pig. Louis making them tea. Louis laughing at a bad joke.

Louis lying shirtless in Nick’s bed, fast asleep.

Yeah. Nick’s camera roll was pretty damning. But Louis’? Nick hardly remembered Louis taking any photos when they were together, probably in case something like this happened. He was likely being careful and protective. 

And then a thought came that made Nick absolutely sick. What if the damning photos had nothing to do with Nick? What if they were of Harry? Or, even worse, what if there were photos of Louis with  _ some guy Nick had never even heard of? _

Nick shut down that line of thinking immediately. He didn’t want to be sick in the back of Martin’s car. Martin was reliable and wonderful and left Nick to himself most mornings, which he appreciated, and he also let Nick choose the music. He couldn’t lose him by messing up his car.

Swallowing harshly, Nick checked the time and saw they were going to get to the airport in time for his flight. The biggest worry would be security, but hopefully it wouldn’t take long to get through at near six on a Tuesday.

He should probably let Harry know that he got a flight, though, so Harry could have an idea of when to expect him.

_ Nick: I’m on my way. Flight leaves close to seven. Couldn’t get a direct flight, so I won’t get in until evening, but I’ll be there. _

Locking his phone, Nick leaned his head back, and watched London go by as he tried to shut off his brain.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**Early May 2015 (23 Hours After)**

Nick was too old for this. His body was literally aching and he knew he probably stank from almost twenty hours of travel, but none of that mattered. All that mattered was that he was now following security up to the room where Louis was.

He’d held off on his own nerves and jitters until now. He hadn’t been worried about himself, why should he have been? Louis was the one in trouble, he was just there to help.

But then he realised exactly how much all of this impacted him. The fact the band literally didn’t know they were friends until now. The fact they were close enough for Louis to ask him to come. The fact he still didn’t know what exactly it was that was damning enough for Louis to be forced out of the closet by it.

The bodyguard - Paddy, Nick thought he’d said upon introduction - stayed quiet on the lift, so Nick messed with his phone and tried to see if he could connect it to WiFi. He had his notifications for pretty much everything turned off because he was still feeling overwhelmed and paranoid, but he felt better knowing he had the internet should he need it. 

After failing to connect again, Nick thumbed out and glanced at the red number above WhatsApp. He was nowhere near ready to look at the 279 unread messages waiting for him after his flight. He could only imagine what they were saying after they woke up to the news and realised he also happened to leave the country. 

The lift stopped and Paddy led them to one of the few doors on this level. He knocked, slid in the keycard, then opened it and waved at Nick to enter.

“Thank you,” he said, faintly, before walking in. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but a seemingly entirely empty room wasn’t it. He’d expected chaos, or at the very least the entire band all thrown together on a couch like Nick was used to seeing them for interviews. Instead, all he saw was a spacious living space and kitchenette covered with various wrappers and empty paper coffee cups.

“I’m in here,” Louis’ rough voice called out from the bedroom, and that was what finally pulled Nick out of his stupor. 

Leaving his bags where they were, he hurried into the bedroom where Louis was alone, curled up in a ball leaning against the headboard. 

“I’m so sorry,” Louis said quietly, shaking his head and swiping the tears that were already pouring down his face. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen, and I didn’t think…”

Louis started hiccuping through his sobs and Nick didn’t even remember getting to the bed. The next thing he knew, he had crawled onto the king size bed and pulled Louis into his arms.

“Shhhh, you have absolutely nothing to apologise for,” Nick said as soothingly as possible, tears running down his cheeks as well. He couldn’t help it. Seeing Louis like this made him ache so entirely, he felt like he would burst if he didn’t let it out somehow. He never cried, but he definitely was now.

“I do,” Louis said, nodding fervently even as he grabbed hold of Nick’s shirt, tightly. “I have so much… I do need to apologise.”

“No, you really don’t,” Nick said, as forcefully as he dared. He sniffled and squeezed Louis to him even tighter. “It’s the dickheads who did this that should be apologising. Not you.”

Louis pulled back and looked at Nick. His eyes were rimmed red and it looked like he hadn’t slept in days, but he still somehow managed to look at Nick the same way he always did when Nick said something he didn’t like. 

“Yes, that’s not going to happen, though. And I dragged you into this mess.”

Nick rolled his eyes. “I came willingly.”

Louis hummed and leaned his head against Nick’s chest. “Harry was so upset. Still is, kind of, but I think he’s calmed down a little.”

Nick sighed and tried to settle back into a more comfortable position, but he wasn’t finding one. “Come on, love. Tell me all about the last couple days. I know next to nothing and would like not to step into the rest of this totally blind if I don’t have to.”

“Just lay down already. We can cuddle and cry,” Louis said with the hint of a smile. Nick was glad to see it was still there a little.

“No promises I won’t fall asleep like that,” Nick said, finally laying down and holding his arms out for Louis to fall into. “I spent something like twenty hours traveling. I know I smell it, and I definitely feel it.”

“That’s fine,” Louis said with a yawn. “I should sleep too. But I’ll try to get it all out before we doze off. Then we can actually take care of some of this shit in the morning.”

“Paddy said you guys got me a room though.” Nick pulled Louis into him and immediately leaned down to smell Louis’ hair and give him a kiss. He might not have been sleeping, but he did smell like shampoo, so he was glad he was still taking care of himself despite everything. All things accounted for, Louis was probably doing better than Nick was at this moment.

“Don’t worry about that,” Louis said into Nick’s chest. “I’ll sleep better if you’re here.”

Nick hummed, but otherwise, just drew shapes on Louis’ back.

“We’d just gotten back from recording some vocals at the studio when we were pulled into an emergency meeting. Some rag I’d never even heard of had somehow gotten their hands on photos from my phone. There was nothing we could do, they were just giving us a heads up out of courtesy, or something. Didn’t seem very courteous to out me, but they didn’t seem to care.”

“God,” Nick said, practically spitting in his anger. “Fucking wankers.”

Louis sighed. “Yeah. So. Everyone immediately went into damage control mode, but I wanted to know what the photos were. I almost wish I hadn’t asked.”

Nick could feel Louis’ tears soaking into his shirt, so he just closed his eyes. As if not looking at Louis would help him pretend none of this was happening and it was just a bad dream. He knew better, but he didn’t know what else to do.

“What were they?” Nick asked after a few beats of silence.

Louis froze as soon as Nick asked the question. “You mean, you’ve not seen them?”

Nick shook his head. “No. I refused to click on any of the headlines and Harry wouldn’t tell me anything. Why?”

“Fuck,” Louis said, sitting back up again. 

Nick reluctantly opened his eyes and found Louis sitting there looking more nervous than Nick had ever seen him. He was biting his lip until it turned white, and everything about his posture had Nick practically able to see the worry rolling off of him in waves.

“They were of us.”

Nick furrowed his brows. “What do you mean? I don’t remember you ever taking any photos of us? Certainly no selfies.”

Louis leaned over and covered his face as he groaned. “Oh my God, this is almost more embarrassing than the lads seeing the photos.”

“Shit. That bad?” Nick’s heart was racing, but it felt like his body had gone completely cold. His arms and legs were prickling, like his blood had frozen and was trying to stab him from the inside. “They saw all of them? How bad are they?”

“They’re not nudes or anything,” Louis said, finally dropping his hands, but he still wouldn’t look at Nick. “But they… They make it pretty clear that we had been… up to things.”

“Can I see them?” Nick asked softly.

Louis shook his head. “They took away my phone, and I’d rather not go to those sites either.”

Nick nodded. “Okay. Yeah. Makes sense. So, it was me. Us. And I’m recognisable?”

Louis winced and nodded. 

“Okay,” Nick said slowly. He was pleased it wasn’t some random guy, and secretly he was also happy it wasn’t Harry. Not that he’d ever admit that out loud. But then he realised exactly what it meant now that he knew it was  _ him _ in the photos. “That… yeah. Okay. Wow. Well, everyone at the station probably understands now. Like, about why I didn’t come in. At least there’s that. That’s going to be weird to go back to.”

“Sorry,” Louis whispered again.

“No no no,” Nick said in such a hurry, it almost sounded like one long word. He reached out for Louis and pulled him back in. “I meant it when I got here. There’s truly nothing for you to apologise for, okay? You are not the one in the wrong here. We can get through this, all of it. We’ll be fine.”

“I just,” Louis was shaking again. “I feel like I can’t trust anyone. I feel like nothing is mine. It’s like they dug inside of me and took some part of me that I thought was safe and protected and just projected it onto this massive screen that the whole world can see and now nothing is safe.”

“Oh, love,” Nick said, rolling onto his side so he could fully hug Louis into him and let him cry some more. “I’m so so sorry that someone has done this to you. Has made you feel this way. I’m so sorry.”

Louis nodded and cried into Nick’s shoulder some more. 

“Can we just,” he took another few shuddery breaths, before wiping his eyes. “Can we not talk anymore tonight? Can I just be with you?”

“Of course,” Nick said, softly. “Of course. Anything you need. I’m here for you and no one else.”

“Thanks, Nick.”

Nick kissed the top of Louis’ head and got comfortable on the pillows. His arm would fall asleep shortly, but he didn’t give a flying fuck. The man in his arms that was still shaking as he cried was more important than any of that.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**Early May 2015 (35 Hours After)**

Nick finally woke up and he had the worst headache. His head was pounding, he was worried he would piss himself if he didn’t get to the toilet immediately, and it felt like his lips were cracking from how dry the air was. This trip was really off to an amazing start.

He picked up his phone to take with him and glanced at it, only to see it was dead. Figured.

Dropping it onto the end of the bed, Nick hurried off to the bathroom to relieve himself before going out and grabbing his bag so he could hopefully shower while Louis continued sleeping. And while his phone charged.

He hobbled out of the bathroom and headed out to get his bag when something moved on the couch, making him jump and squeal loudly.

“Oh my God, Harold,” Nick said, hand on his chest. He bent over in an attempt to keep from passing out, that really was too much movement when he was still so achy from the flight and lack of water. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry,” Harry said, sitting up and scrubbing at his face. 

Nick looked at him a little closer and saw lines on his cheek. He turned and squinted at the clock in the kitchenette. 

“It’s six in the morning,” Nick pointed out. “Were you asleep on the couch?”

Harry shrugged. “Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Why were you asleep in Louis’ bed?” As soon as Harry asked it, he winced. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s alright,” Nick said with a sigh. “I’ll explain, I swear, but is it okay if I shower first? I didn’t get a chance last night.”

Harry waved his hand at Nick and laid back down on the couch. “Go for it. Wake me when you’re done.”

“You could go into the room, you know,” Nick said as casually as he could. “Much more comfortable than the couch.”

“No, that’s okay,” Harry said quickly, and Nick sighed. 

Now this had made things weird not only with Nick and Harry, but probably with Louis and Harry too. Hopefully Harry would be more understanding once they’d explained. Nick thought he would, but he wasn’t sure. 

“Alright, I’ll be out shortly.” Nick pulled his bag into the bedroom and saw Louis sitting up in the bed. 

“You scream like my sisters,” he croaked.

“Yes, well I’ve been perfecting that for years, darling,” Nick teased. “Need to do any business before I shower?”

Louis shook his head. “Harry out there?”

Nick nodded and Louis pursed his lips. 

“I’ll be just a sec,” Nick promised, and hopped into the shower.

It was when he got out that he had to finally address his horrific packing. He had plenty of clothes, but zero underwear, no contacts, and only moisturiser for his face. At least he’d remembered his toothbrush and toothpaste, even if the tube was almost empty.

Choosing a pair of loose joggers and an old t-shirt, Nick finally emerged from his shower to hear Louis speaking quietly with Harry.

“Can you just please bring them in here for me?” 

Harry must have responded somehow, because Louis whispered a quiet, “Thank you,” just as Nick walked out of the bedroom.

“Clean now,” Nick said quietly. “Had to use your deodorant. Forgot my own. Forgot lots of things, actually. Sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Louis said, smile tight. 

Harry put his phone down and reached his arms out to Nick. “I’ve not really said hello and thank you.”

“You know what, you haven’t. Anne would  _ not _ be happy to learn her darling boy has lost his manners.” Nick stuck his nose up even as he made his way quickly to his friend. He was so relieved Harry wasn’t too angry with him, even with all the secrets that had obviously been kept.

“Hello, Grim. Thank you for coming when I called,” Harry said, shoving his face into Nick’s neck. 

Nick laughed a little, and pushed Harry’s long hair away from where it was tickling his neck.

“You’re very welcome. Hello to you, too.”

Harry pulled back and then looked a little awkward until there was a knock at the door. 

“That’s probably them,” Harry said cryptically before getting up for the door.

Nick looked at Louis in confusion.

“Niall and Liam,” Louis explained.

“You all need to learn how to have a lie in,” Nick teased, shaking his head. 

Louis rolled his eyes, but turned to look at the others joining them. “Hey. Morning.”

“Hey, Lou,” Liam said, giving a tight smile. “Hi, Grimmy.”

Niall waved, but otherwise kept his distance from Nick. Both he and Liam did, actually, choosing to stick close to Louis on the loveseat. Harry sat back down on the couch, but made sure to leave space between them. Considering Harry was almost as cuddly as Louis was, he felt a little hurt by it, but figured under the circumstances it made sense.

Louis sat up straight, clearing his throat, then glanced at Nick before looking at Harry, Liam, and Niall one by one.

“I know it seems obvious by now, but I wanted to actually say it myself. I’m not straight. I thought I might be bi for awhile, tried to convince myself I was actually, but I’m not. I’m gay.”

Louis’ eye contact with the men didn’t waver, and Nick couldn’t help but be proud. Louis was so strong. Even with everything that was going on right now, he was still choosing to reclaim what he could of the situation and tell them in his own words who he was.

Nick also felt like he was intruding. He saw Niall and Liam leaning in for hugs, and Nick tried to ease himself off of the couch so he could at least slip into the bedroom and give them the semblance of privacy. This wasn’t something he should be a part of.

“No, Nick. Wait. I want you here,” Louis called out. 

Trying not to openly grimace, Nick gave an awkward smile and when he turned he saw four sets of eyes on him. That was… exactly the opposite of what he wanted.

“Oh, okay,” he said before sinking back into the couch. “Just wanted to give you lot a moment.”

“I know, but I waited until you were here for a reason.” 

Nick looked at Louis, confused. Louis offered him a smile, and Nick couldn’t help but reciprocate. 

“Okay,” Nick said softly.

“So,” Louis said, wiping his hands on his knees. “I know you probably have questions. Feel free to ask them.”

“When?” Harry asked immediately. “I mean, like, you and Nick?”

Louis looked at Nick, and it was then that his age showed. He looked so young, but also so sure of himself.

“A few years?” he said, almost like a question.

“Years?” Niall said, pulling back physically in surprise. “That long?”

“Yeah, well. It’s complicated,” Louis said, looking over at Nick.

Nick snorted. “Complicated is a good word, yeah.”

“What does that mean?” Harry asked Nick. 

Nick looked over at Louis, but he just nodded. Sighing, Nick said, “We only started talking when Louis got drunk at my house - a party you brought him to, actually - and as soon as I knew, I suddenly became his favourite person.” Nick winked at Louis to show he was teasing. He was so bad at serious situations like these, he had to try to liven it up somehow so he felt less awkward.

“Shut up,” Louis said, but he was smiling fully for the first time since Nick had gotten there. It was definitely a win. “You were nothing close to my favourite person. You were just the person I’d accidentally told while drunk and…” 

Nick saw Louis’ eyes go wide and he knew what he had been about to admit. He assumed Louis wasn’t ready to discuss the specifics of what he and Nick had been up to, even if they were usually that open with each other. Nick secretly hoped they weren’t, but he wasn’t one to judge.

Thankfully, Louis felt the same. When he continued, he said, “...and I knew I couldn’t take it back, so I just kept talking to you.”

Nick smiled at him softly, remembering how it had all started. It was so crazy to think back to that day, three years ago. They’d both changed so much, and his feelings for Louis had grown more than he ever could have imagined.

Harry cleared his throat, and once again drove home the fact that it had all only happened because Louis was in love with Harry. His friend. Sitting beside him on the couch. Nick really had to tamp down on his fondness so as not to give even more of a wrong impression than Louis’ photos already probably gave off.

“Okay, but like, how long have you two been seeing each other?” Liam asked.

“Oh, no-” Nick started.

“We’re not, it’s not like that-” Louis interrupted, but Nick couldn’t keep quiet either, so he cut Louis off again too.

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

Nick and Louis finally went silent, awkwardly looking at each other again. Why the hell did Louis want him here for this? Wouldn’t it have been better to do it on his own?

“You’re not… together?” Harry asked tentatively, looking between them.

Louis sighed. “No.”

“Just friends,” Nick added. “Though, I am glad you know we’re friends now. That was bloody hard to keep under wraps.”

Louis snorted, but refused to make eye contact with Nick when he looked at him curiously.

Once again, silence rang in the room. 

“So, more questions?” Louis asked again.

After a few moments of quiet, Harry asked, “Why didn’t you tell us? Did we make you feel like you couldn’t?”

“No,” Louis said quickly. “Nothing like that.” 

Louis took a deep breath, and as he let it out it was like Nick watched him deflate. He wrapped his arms around himself and curled his shoulders in, like he was trying to take up as little space as possible. Nick wanted to badly to wrap him up in his arms and protect him from everything that was weighing on him, but he knew he couldn't. Now wasn’t the time.

“I never meant to keep it a secret this whole time. I was so unsure of myself for awhile, but by the time I finally figured it out, it seemed like this whole huge  _ thing _ and other stuff seemed more important. Like the next album, or the next tour, or all of us were tired, and the more I put it off, the bigger it became in my mind. I kept saying I’d tell you tomorrow, but then I didn’t.” Shrugging, he said, “I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

“Of course it’s okay, Louis,” Niall said, leaning in to cuddle him. At least he and Liam were offering the physical comfort Nick couldn’t give at the moment. 

“Yeah, it’s not like you  _ have _ to come out to anyone,” Liam said.

“Yeah, because I already have, whether I wanted to or not,” Louis said, bitterly. 

“I’m so sorry, Lou,” Harry said, standing up to go over and drape himself on the others on the love seat so he could give Louis a hug too. “I’m sorry this happened to you. You know we’ll always love you and always be here, no matter what, right? This changes nothing for us.”

“Yeah, I know. Thanks, Haz.”

With that, Nick did finally escape the room. Louis could come get him when he was ready.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**Late May 2015 (12 days after)**

Nick was so frustrated. Harry did not have the same sense of time zones that Louis did, and he really should. He was far worse than even Rita, constantly calling Nick an hour before he was supposed to wake up, saying he thought Nick hadn’t gone to bed yet or some other shit.

That wasn’t all Nick was frustrated by. It felt like everything had changed, and yet nothing had at the same time. He still texted and talked to Louis on the phone regularly. Everyone at work stopped asking him questions about the scandal, instead pretending like it hadn’t ever happened. He still saw them looking at him curiously, but he refused to answer any questions they had for him, so at least that got them to stop openly ogling. The ratings for show also spiked for a short while, but had already dropped almost as low as they had been before. Probably due to a lack of a statement from either Nick or the band at large. Even his friends had stopped calling and texting constantly demanding to know the details.

Everything was back to how it was before. Everything  _ except  _ the fact that Harry fucking Styles wouldn’t leave him alone.

“You know, it wasn’t so long ago that I wished we would talk more, but I’m kind of regretting putting that kind of hope into the universe,” Nick said as he picked up the phone. Newsbeat was on, so he could get away with it for a whole three minutes and forty-seven seconds.

“You love me,” Harry said, his words slurring a little.

Nick narrowed his eyes. “You’re drunk.”

“Nope,” Harry said, giggling a little. “But I  _ am _ smoking some really incredible weed.”

“God,” Nick groaned, checking the time quickly. Two minutes, fifteen seconds. “You need to get to sleep instead of calling me nonstop. What’s the supposed emergency this time? Is your hand on backwards?”

“Of course it’s not,” Harry said, laughing. He wouldn’t be laughing so hard if he remembered that was something he’d actually told Nick back when they’d first started hanging out. “I’m just calling to see if there’s anything you wanted to tell me.”

Nick rubbed at his forehead as he watched the time tick down. “I don’t have time for this, Harold. Newsbeat is almost done, then I’ve got to get back to work. But no, I don’t have anything to tell you. What in the hell do you think I’d have to say anyway?”

“I dunno,” Harry asked, drawing out the last o for a ridiculous amount of time. “Maybe something to tell me about a  _ boy?” _

Twenty-three seconds. “I really don’t. And now I’ve got to go because you speak too bloody slow. Have a good night, Harold.”

Nick hung up and put his headphones back on so he could hear the end of the news report. Tina was going a little long today, which meant that he was able to read the follow up texts Harry sent. 

_ Young Harold: You think you’re being sneaky but you aren’t _ _   
_ _ Young Harold: I know there’s something you’re not telling me, but I’ll get you to tell me soon _

“Oh, what the fuck,” Nick muttered before shoving his phone back in his pocket. 

_ Nick _ wasn’t the one who should have boy news. It  _ should _ be Harry with the news. He knew Louis wasn’t straight now, so he really didn’t see what the hold up was. He and Louis should be fucking like rabbits as they made up for lost time or whatever instead of getting high and constantly bugging Nick. His phone vibrated again, and he chanced one last look. When he saw the contact, he realised he really should change it to his name now. Now that it didn’t really matter who saw it.

_ L: Please ignore Harry. He’s a fucking idiot when he’s high. _

Perhaps a bit more forcefully than he needed to, Nick took his microphone off mute. “Thank you, Tina Daheley! Now I’ve got some Taylor Swift as well as some Arctic Monkeys on the way. But first, here’s  _ Cheerleader.” _

Nick made sure the song started and then slouched down in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest. Yeah. Nothing had changed. Louis still loved Harry. He and Harry still seemed to not have gotten their shit together. 

And Nick? Nick was still head over heels in love with Louis. If only he could figure out how to fall out of love with him, Nick could move on to being happy that amidst all of the shit that Louis has been dealing with, at least he could finally come clean and have the relationship he’d always dreamed of with Harry.

Until then, he’d just keep waiting and lamenting that while it felt like everything had changed, everything was still exactly the fucking same.

 

*~~***~~*

 

**Early June 2015 (23 days after)**

Nick finished his cigarette and put it out, promising himself he’d take care of the planter full of old cigarettes tomorrow. It was a long weekend for him so he could get shit started with the X Factor, so he didn’t have to be up early and he was very much looking forward to it.

“Come on, Piggie. Let’s go inside,” he called, opening the door and watching as she came running happily back to Nick. “God, you’re a mess. You’re going to need a full wipe down before I can let you run about.”

She yipped happily and he just rolled his eyes at her. 

“Come on, you monster. Let’s get you taken care of.”

He picked up one of the full-sized towels he left by the door and bent over to dry her off. His back and knees popped as he did so, making him groan.

“Your daddy is getting too old for this kind of behaviour from you,” Nick lamented. “I’m going to be the ripe old age of thirty-one here this summer, but we’re going to pretend I’m only twenty-seven.” Catching a look at his reflection in the doors, he grimaced. “No one would believe that, considering how old I look. Not sure they’d even believe I’m only thirty. I need a new moisturiser or something.”

Pig just kept panting and trying to get away from her full body wipe down. When a knock sounded at the front door, all hope of giving her one more swipe was gone. Pig darted towards the door, barking in excitement, and Nick pushed himself off the floor.

“Calm yourself, Piggie. Whoever it is isn’t likely to stay. We aren’t expecting anyone.”

When Nick finally opened the door, he froze. Pig was jumping up, yapping excitedly at Louis. Louis was dressed in his usual skin tight jeans, but tonight it was paired with a semi-sheer black top, his hair done in the messy quiff Nick loved so much, and he was holding a bouquet of flowers. A  _ very large _ bouquet of flowers.

“Hey, Nick,” Louis said, leaning over to rub at Pig’s head while giving Nick a small grin. “Mind if I come in? There’s some things I think I need to say.”

Nick couldn’t bring himself to say anything, he just moved to the side, holding the door open so Louis and Pig could come inside. 

“I thought you were in LA,” Nick finally forced out as Louis kicked off his shoes. They were dead nice ones, actually. Shiny black with brown soles, and he liked how they topped off his outfit.

“I was, but before tour started up again, I really wanted to stop by. We start in Cardiff, you know.”

“Oh yeah.” Nick had forced himself to stop memorising where the band was and had finally turned off his google alerts for them. It was the first time in over a year he didn’t know where the band’s next show was. 

“These are for you,” Louis said, handing them over to Nick. “Made sure not to have lilies included, so you won’t be sneezing constantly.”

“I appreciate that,” Nick said, numbly reaching out for the bouquet. It was so large around, he didn’t know how Louis had held onto it with just one hand. “No one’s ever bought me flowers before.”

“You should always be given flowers,” Louis said, quietly.

Nick leaned down to smell them...  _ and _ to cover his smile. Without thinking, he turned towards his kitchen, sure he had something that could work as a vase. If he remembered correctly, Aimee had gifted him some a few years ago when he had expressed an interest in learning the language of flowers. Obviously that hadn’t turned into anything, but she was always supportive of his various whims.

Louis had apparently followed him, because once he’d filled the vase he’d dug out of his cupboard, Nick turned and found Louis leaning against the counter. 

“How’ve things been?”

Nick smirked. “Is that what you came for? Small talk you already know the answers to?”

Louis shook his head, but looked down at his feet. “No. I didn’t.”

“What did you come for, then?” Nick asked. He was honestly a little nervous this was Louis being sweet and trying to break off whatever it was they had been doing so he could be with Harry officially. But deep down, a small part of him he didn’t want to acknowledge also hoped. Hoped that maybe, just maybe, Louis felt the same way he did.

Nick kept watching as Louis reached up and rubbed the back of his neck before he finally looked up at Nick through his lashes. 

“I wanted to tell you that I love you.”

Nick blinked for a moment before what Louis said sank in. “I’m sorry, I got distracted by your very unfair use of your cheekbones and eyes and overall sexiness. I thought you said you  _ loved me?”  _

His voice had cracked, but at this point, Nick was fairly certain that was the least of his worries. He seemed to be full on hallucinating. Maybe his cigarette had been laced with something more exciting and he hadn’t even realised.

Louis chuckled before walking towards Nick, this time much more confident. Nick backed up, almost immediately hitting the counter. Louis leaned right into him, looped his arms around Nick’s neck, and stared at his lips for a moment before meeting Nick’s eyes again and smiling widely.

“I did say I love you. I was kind of hoping you might want to say it back, actually.”

“Why would you think such a thing as that?” Nick asked, breathlessly. It was only then that he realised his hands had landed on Louis’ waist. He definitely hadn’t told them to do that, but it was apparently his body’s natural reaction to having Louis so close to him. Squeezing Louis just a little to make sure he really was there, Nick closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Louis’. “You can’t seriously be daft enough to love me. Not when I love you too, and that means we’ll be stuck with each other for… well. Forever, probably.”

Louis’ breath puffed against his chin and neck before he leaned in for a soft kiss that Nick fell into easily.

“I guess I’m exactly that daft,” Louis said quietly.

“Thank fuck,” Nick said before surging forward. He pulled Louis as close as he could and relished the feeling of Louis being in his arms, warm and happy and sure. It was how Nick had always wanted him, always imagined it would be like if Louis was actually  _ his _ and not pining after…

Wait. Harry.

Nick pulled back, causing Louis to chase after him until Nick moved one hand to push against Louis’ chest. He needed Louis to know he was serious here.

“What about Harry?” Nick studied Louis’ face, which quickly went from worried to confused. 

“What about him?”

Nick scoffed in disbelief. “You’re in love with  _ Harry, _ not me.”

Louis smirked and shook his head. “I’m really not.”

“But…” Nick blinked several times. This still didn’t feel real. What did he mean, he wasn’t in love with Harry? “Of course you are. That was the entire point of what the past million years have been, right? Gaining your courage so you could finally tell him you love him and want to have fifty babies together.”

Louis sighed and his face went soft. Reaching up to push his hand through Nick’s wilted quiff, Louis studied Nick’s face before he said, “That’s what started all of this, yes. I  _ thought _ I loved Harry.”

“So you don’t?” Nick asked, just wanting Louis to be clear with him. He couldn’t afford to think Louis meant one thing only to find out that he could potentially change his mind. Nick didn’t think he could survive that with his heart in tact.

“I will always love Harry,” Louis said, eyes following where his hand had drifted down to the chest hair that was peeking out of his unbuttoned shirt. “But I don’t love him romantically. I love him like a friend, like a brother.”

“Does he know any of this?” Nick whispered. “Did you ever talk to him about everything?”

Louis bit his lip and looked up at Nick. “Yeah. I felt I owed it to him. I kept so many secrets, most of which I really should have told him earlier. At least about you.”

Nick’s back was starting to hurt, pressed against the counter as he was. He took Louis’ hand and paused by the living room before heading back to the bedroom. Pig followed easily and hopped into her bed in the corner, allowing them to cuddle on the bed. Talks about feelings were hard enough without having to stare each other down. At least this way they could take comfort in having the other near while they got through the difficult part.

“What all does he know?” Nick asked softly. “Just so I know how much I can say or whatever.”

Louis sighed and tucked himself even closer into Nick’s side. “You can tell him anything you want to. Nothing’s a secret anymore. Not from them. Obviously don’t go blabbing everything on the radio or anything.”

Nick gasped and swatted gently at Louis’ shoulder. “I would never.”

“I know,” Louis said, turning his head into Nick’s chest to give him a soft kiss. “But he knows. Basically everything. At least from my side.”

“You told him about your crush or whatever it was then?” Nick asked, smiling a little. “I’ll be honest, I’m curious how that went. I really was sure you two would be a power couple or something ridiculous like that.”

“He took it fine,” Louis said slowly, but Nick felt like there was something he wasn’t saying.

“Mmhmm, what does that mean?”

Louis groaned. “He said it was mutual. That he fell for me back on X Factor when he thought I was straight. He always thought that maybe it could happen? I guess? But he said that I was different after Take Me Home tour. He said it felt like he’d lost his chance.”

“Oh God,” Nick said, leaning forward and kissing Louis’ head. “You alright?”

Louis took a deep breath. “Yeah? Yeah, I think so. It just felt weird, you know? Like…” Louis sat up again, like he often did when he had something he wanted to be sure was understood clearly and required the use of his arms to explain. “It was like this dream relationship I had always imagined but had too hard a time working through the logistics of for myself? Once I got to the point of being ready for it, I realised that wasn’t actually what I wanted. That maybe I already had what I wanted.”

“That’s a lot of hypotheticals,” Nick whispered. It was quite ridiculous, but he felt out of breath despite the fact he was literally doing everything he could to  _ not _ move. “You mean me?”

Louis nodded and smiled. “Yeah. I was always so scared of telling Harry because I was afraid of being  _ wrong.”  _

Louis took another breath, and then Nick could almost see it in Louis physically. It was like a damn had burst and he wasn’t holding back anymore. He’d found his words, and he started spitting them out, getting faster and accent thicker the more he went on. 

“By the time I was ready to tell him I was gay, I realised I didn’t know if I actually  _ was _ in love with him. That maybe I was in love with you. But I didn’t know if you felt the same way, in fact I had quite convinced myself of the opposite, and then everything went down with my photos being leaked and that was awful in so many ways, but the one that bothered me most was I was scared it would mean I would lose you. That it would scare you off or you wouldn’t want anyone to know or that it would be too much. But then you came. You came and you were  _ perfect.”  _

Louis’ eyes were bright, and he was gripping Nick’s hand so tight, he could hardly feel it.

“I’m not perfect,” Nick whispered. It was all he could bring himself to say. He didn’t think his brain was functioning at all, his heart was in overdrive like it was trying to make up for it all, and his entire body wanted to cuddle Louis and protect him from everything and everyone.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Louis said quickly. “Believe me, I  _ know _ you aren’t perfect. But you were everything I needed in that moment, and you didn’t think twice. You just came, jumping in headfirst, not knowing how the band or anyone or anything was going to treat you.”

“So what took you so long?” Nick teased, softening it by pulling Louis’ hand over so he could kiss his knuckles gently. “It’s been almost a month, and I swear Harry hasn’t left me alone for a second. I thought he was waiting for you to tell me that you two were finally together or something, but he wouldn’t tell me anything and it was driving me insane.”

Louis sighed. “He thought we were already together. He has been trying to get me to just tell you how I feel for weeks now, but I wanted to do it in person and we had studio time and Corden and all of that shit to do, so I couldn’t make it back until now.”

“And you love me,” Nick said happily.

“I do,” Louis said, leaning down for another kiss before settling back into Nick’s side. “You okay with that?”

“Yep, cause it just so happens that I love you too. You’re stuck with me now.”

Nick could tell that Louis wasn’t asleep, but was finally relaxing fully against him, and he couldn’t remember when he was last so happy. 

“So, I can mention you on the show now and things?” Nick asked softly. “I’ve kind of been avoiding everything to do with the band that I could so I wouldn’t do something I shouldn’t. I’d really like to talk about my boyfriend and tell nutty stories if I can, though.”

Louis sighed. “You can talk about your boyfriend and your partner if you like. I want to be both of those for you, but as of now you can’t use my name. I think my team emailed some shit over to you and are waiting for your signature, actually.”

“Oh, right. I’ve been ignoring that,” Nick said, drifting off. “Reading that kind of stuff makes my head hurt.”

“Don’t you have lawyers and shit for that?” Louis asked, laughing. “Actually, they should have it too, since I told my team to go through your people when I was answering all their questions right after we got the news.”

“I do,” Nick said easily. “I already signed some things while I was in LA with you, too, so I wasn’t too worried. I was just scared of what all would be in the contracts so I wasn’t taking calls from legal or anyone.”

“You are an actual child,” Louis said, poking Nick right where he was most ticklish.

“Stop immediately,” Nick cried, rolling away from Louis and almost falling off the bed. “I hate you, fucking hell. You know how much I hate being tickled!”

Nick shifted and when he turned onto his side, Louis was smirking, but his eyes were on Nick’s chest. When he looked down, he found that Louis had successfully unbuttoned him almost entirely without his noticing.

“What do you say,” Louis said, crawling over Nick so he had no choice but to fall onto his back with Louis hovering above him. “We take off all these clothes and enjoy each other tonight?”

“Had enough talking then?” Nick asked, feeling breathless already.

“There’s been entirely too much talking, yes,” Louis said, leaning down for a searing kiss. 

Nick moaned into it, heat spreading quickly enough that he wanted to get rid of everything on him that wasn’t Louis.

“Yeah, okay. But Louis?”

Louis paused where he was kissing down Nick’s neck and lifted his head to make eye contact. “Yeah?”

Nick lifted his hands to cup Louis’ cheeks. Thumbs gently brushing his scruff, Nick said as seriously as he could muster, “I love you, Louis Tomlinson.”

Smile blinding, Louis leaned in for another kiss then said, “I love you too, Nicholas Grimshaw.”


	8. 2018

**Early August 2018 (3 Years, 2 Months After)**

Louis stretched in the bed and when he rolled over to cuddle up to Nick, he found the bed was warm but empty. He heard voices coming from down the hall, so they were all likely congregating in the bathroom like they tended to in the mornings and before going out for the night.

Mallorca had been something he and Nick were planning for at least a year. Nick loved having big trips or parties to celebrate his birthday despite the fact he feared getting older and Louis loved to spoil him. As soon as everything was set for Nick moving from breakfast to drive time, though, he knew they had to make it massive. Celebrate the end of an era, moving on to different things, all that. They’d invited all of Nick’s usual friend crew, and over the course of ten days, they were all rotating in and out as they were able to join in the fun and celebrate Nick.

Louis got up and pulled on a pair of pants before leaving the room and found all the bedrooms and bathroom empty. He and Nick, along with Pixie, George, and Alexa, had rented out a large house with a pool for the group that would be staying there for the long haul and the rest of the group were renting out their own lodgings elsewhere. 

The house was still the main gathering place, though, and who even knew how many social media posts had been made over the three days they’d been there so far. It was ridiculous, and Louis was loving every minute of it.

“Lou!” Nick called, and Louis shook his head fondly. Nick had been drunk almost the entire time they’d been here, and it looked like he wasn’t changing anything based on the orange drink he had in hand.

“That’s not just orange juice, is it?” Louis asked, coming into the kitchen and giving Nick a quick peck.

“Nope,” Nick said, smiling widely. He put his sunglasses back on and leaned back against the counter, his gray boxer briefs not hiding much.

Louis turned and looked at Pixie, who was laughing into her hand. “You posted again, didn’t you?” Louis asked her.

She nodded again and turned her phone so Louis could see it.

“Good thing he has absolutely no shame,” Louis said, laughing. 

“Why should I have shame?” Nick asked, standing up straight and walking over to Louis. He wrapped his long, gangly arms around Louis, pulling him into his chest and started swaying them. “I’m well fit and I’ve bagged myself a gorgeous boyfriend. I see no reason to be ashamed of anything on the eve of my thirty-fourth birthday!”

Louis looked over at George, who was hunched over the dining table, face plastered to the table top. He and Pixie had decided that while they would enjoy themselves, their first priority was making sure everyone made it home safely at the end of the day. Because of that, it seemed their partners were definitely dealing with the brunt of the alcohol exposure while they felt just fine.

“You’re right, love. You’re right. But maybe we should shower, hmm?”

“God, I would kill for a bath,” Nick said, slumping in Louis’ arms. “Think I could fit in that tub upstairs?”

“I’m sure you could, yes,” Louis said. “Go for it, but maybe have some water while you’re up there. Give the drinks a pause.”

Nick pouted. “Fine.” He handed Louis his drink and only tripped once on his way to the stairs.

“What time is it?” Louis asked, sniffing the drink and being hit with the strong scent of vodka. He knew it was likely the afternoon already since they’d gotten to bed near five, but it still felt too early to be drinking something so strong.

Dumping it into the sink, Louis turned and looked at Pixie. “It’s almost two. Supposed to meet Liv, Fifi, Miquita and all of them at half three, though. Should all start getting ready. Alexa’s getting dressed already, so we should probably all start getting ready if we want to be anywhere close to on time.”

Louis chuckled. He used to think he took a long time to get ready, but he was nothing compared to Nick and Alexa.

“You herd Alexa and George and I’ll take care of Nick?”

“Deal,” Pixie said with a smile.

“Stop talking about me like I’m not right here,” George mumbled from the table.

“Of course not, love,” Pixie cooed. “It is time to get you looking human again, though.”

“Need help getting up there?” Louis offered.

“God, if you don’t mind,” George said, sitting up and waving him over. “If I got Pixie to help, I’d just crush her.”

“I’m not helpless, you know,” Pixie fought back. “I’m strong.”

“I know, darling, you’re the strongest person I know,” George said, even as Louis had to give him a lot of help for getting out of the chair. “I swear, I just need something to eat and I’ll be fine again.”

“Yes, you’ll be back to dancing with lampshades on your head any moment now,” Louis teased.

“What?” George asked as they started making their way up the stairs. “Oh my God, I forgot about that.”

“Don’t worry,” Pixie said happily from behind. Louis was fairly certain she was recording their trek up the stairs based on her giggles. “It’s all on my Instagram Story. You and Grim were in rare form last night.”

“Kim’s gonna send us the photos right?” Louis asked once they hit the landing and George was able to shuffle to the room on his own. “I know he got at least a few that I’m going to want for posterity.”

“He already sent them to me, actually,” she said, quickly working on her phone. “He posted one or two on his own Instagram, but I’m not sure he tagged you. He wasn’t sure he was allowed to.”

Louis shrugged. “Yeah, it’s fine.”

Pixie started laughing again, nodding behind Louis. When he turned around, he saw that Alexa was in the bathroom minding her own business as she did her hair and behind her, Nick was stepping out of his pants right beside her. 

Pulling up her phone again, Pixie immediately started filming. Nick’s bright white bum was right there as Alexa stared into the mirror uncaring of Nick going about naked. Again.

“Babe,” Louis called to Nick, and he immediately turned, baring his front side to both of them and the camera, and Louis covered his face to hold back his laughter. Peeking through his fingers, he watched as Nick homed in on Pixie’s phone.

“Pixie, are you recording?” he asked, striking a pose. “Making everyone jealous of my boy, are you?”

“Oh my God,” Louis gasped, folding over. “Just get in the bath.”

Nick grinned a little more before plopping himself down into the tub and only then did he turn on the water.

“I’m going to have to edit that more than I expected,” Pixie said, giggling some more as she turned towards her room.

Later that night, Nick was obviously trying to take the alcohol easier than he had been before and so was George. Because of that, they were both loving the company, but feeling exhausted and Louis was positive that everyone could tell.

Coming back from the loo, Louis found that George had settled down in Louis’ seat and Nick was leaning into him.

“I’ve been usurped,” Louis teased, settling down beside Pixie.

“I know. I’m telling everyone I need new men in my life.” Pixie showed Louis what she was about to post. It was a dark photo of Nick’s head on George’s shoulder as he listened to Liv tell another story. George was labeled  _ I need a new husband _ and Nick was labeled  _ I need a new friend. _

“You should follow it up with a selfie of us saying at least we’ve got each other or something,” Louis suggested.

“Yes, let’s do that.” 

She pulled out her phone and made sure the angle was a good one for both of them. Louis wrapped his arm around her shoulder so he could lean his head against hers. Once she took the photo, he pulled back and glanced over at Nick again. He couldn’t help it. His eyes were  _ always _ drawn to Nick whenever they were in the same room.

Nick was already watching him, small fond smile on his face. Louis winked at him and Nick smirked before turning his attention back to Liv.

The rest of the night was filled with food, drink, and good conversation before they decided to head back home a little earlier than they had the night before. Everyone wanted a decent night’s sleep so they could be sure the house was ready for Eileen coming in to join the fun.

On their walk back to the house, Louis and Nick walked in silence as they looked out at the water, sparkling in the light of the moon.

“It’s beautiful here,” Nick said quietly. “We should never leave.”

Louis chuckled. “Alright. Forever living in a house where we have to share the restroom with three models sounds like a great time.”

“You’re well fit and you know it,” Nick said, pulling Louis close to him and kissing his temple. “And I love you. Don’t care where we are as long as we’re together.”

Louis looked up at Nick and smiled. “Same, love.”

That night, as they climbed into bed they pulled out their phones to go through their notifications before settling in to sleep. Louis saw he was tagged by Pixie and Alexa both this time, so pulling up their stories he saw that not only was he in the selfie with Pixie from earlier, but they’d both also taken photos of him and Nick on their walk back.

The photos were beautiful. Louis looked over at Nick who was biting his lip as he stared at his own phone screen. When he glanced up, he saw Nick was staring at the same photo of them, silhouettes leaning in so Nick could kiss him so gently on the temple as they held hands.

Nick went to the group chat he had with everyone here and started typing.

_ Nick: I need everyone to send me their versions of the photo Alexa and Pixie posted. It is forever going to be my lock screen. You have no one to blame but yourselves. _

Louis and Nick’s phones both vibrated as no less than six photos were sent to them. They happily set about choosing which one they preferred and getting them set up.

“They’re good friends, Nick,” Louis whispered. “I’m glad I have them as well as you.”

Nick smiled. “Same.”

As they leaned in for one more soft kiss, Louis once again thanked his messy drunk self that had been dragged to Nick’s flat all those years ago for not being able to keep his mouth shut. It took them awhile to get here, but he’d never been happier. He used to tell himself that just one more night would be all he needed to be able to have the courage to do what he didn’t think he could.

But now, he had everything. And he would for one more night. And then one more. And then one more….

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you again for reading! If you enjoyed, please consider leaving a kudos and a nice comment. I'd also appreciate it if you might give my [fic post](https://lululawrence.tumblr.com/post/185862941143/you-dont-care-about-me-one-more-night) a reblog. Thank you!


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